Rambling Man

The dis-service industry.

2012-01-11T18:16:00.001+08:00

Travel broadens the mind they say, but it can also confirm your prejudices I find.

I have a theory that Western Australia has a problem with its service industry, specifically the fact that most of the people working in it seem to hate serving. It happens all the time in Perth. Rude waitresses, disinterested check-out chicks and indifferent shop assistants are pretty much the norm. In fact when you come across a person who wants to help, smiles and says "thank you" it's a cause for celebration and makes you make a note to go back again. It happens even more in country towns. Kalgoorlie was renowned for its hopeless staff and spit-in-your-drink waiters; but that can almost be understood if you are on $8 an hour and the drop-kick tradesman you are serving is earning $150,000 per annum. However what stuns me the most is when you get rude or hopeless service in a tourist town!.

Here in Exmouth I would imagine that quite a lot of businesses depend on the tourist dollar, after all most towns of 1000 people can't support multiple pubs, restaurants and bottle shops. Yet the people in these business feel than can be incredibly rude to you. Well to me anyway, they may be great to you for all I know. For example the other day I went into one of the bottle shops in town to get some wine and beer. There was a offer on for two bottles for $25 which listed a few different wines. All I wanted to know was if I needed to buy two bottles the same or was it mix and match? Pretty easy and simply answered with "It's mix and match" or "they both need to be the same". But this was not the answer. First I got a look like I was speaking Swahili, then I had to repeat my question twice more, both times the answer was "what does it say on the label". Sadly there's no emoticon for sarcastic fukwit. I tried to explain that it was not clear on the label but this just got more sighing and eye rolling. Eventually the miserable git came from behind his counter and deigned to read the label on the fridge door. "Oh it's mix and match". What was so hard about that? It's not as though there was anyone's else in the shop that he needed to serve. If I'd realized that there was another liquor shop in town I'd have walked out. Needless to say I won't name the outlet in question (it was Cellarbrations) but if you are ever in Exmouth, WA,then get your booze at Thirsty Camel. It's a stupid name but has friendly staff.

It happened again the next day at the visitor centre at Myerling in the National Park. The place was pretty deserted, that is to say we were the only people for miles around, and you would have thought the woman working in there might have been pleased to have someone to talk too, but no. Firstly we were totally ignored in the information area, then when we moved across to the shop, making the bitch manning the place have to get up and walk four paces, she was totally disinterested. When my dad tried to make polite conversation about how quiet it was the silly cow may as well have told him to "get fu##ed". If you don't like tourists then you probably shouldn't work in a tourist information centre. Or am I just being narrow minded? Luckily the staff at the hotel have been great, and the waitress at the pub last night was lovely too. I'd mention that they were all young and generally not from WA but that would just prove my theory.

The rest of the holiday has been going quite well. I haven't drowned the folks and blamed the snorkeling so that's a good thing. The hotel is great but seems to have a shortage of working light globes. I had to get them to come replace five the day we arrived as we were sitting in the dark. I suppose they never really check the rooms in the dark so don't really know if globes are blown but I does seem a bit half arsed for a five star "resort". This place also suffers from the flaw that drives me mad in hotels. No power outlet by the bed to charge your phone up. Why is that? Loads of places I've stayed are like this. You can sort of let them off if it's an old building or a bit cheap, but any hotel built since 1990 must realize that lots of travelers have mobile equipment that needs charging. This one thing should have a separate section on tripadvisor so you're not left charging your phone by unplugging the minibar. There are also a lot of kids here. I sort of expected that as its school holidays, and these are hotel rooms with kitchens, but is also very expensive so not generally the place I'd expect to see families. Although there doesn't seem to be any shortage of cash here, which is just as well as dinner at the hotel on Monday night came to $200. It was very nice, but I could've eaten a big pile of chips after as it was a bit nouvelle on the portion size.

The only real blot has been the weather. There's a cyclone up the coast at Port Headland and it's been giving us funny weather. Unpredictable might be a better word. The boat trip today was cancelled and the forecast is for rain and possible storms tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be clear enough for us to get out to sea but we'll have to wait and see.

Until then here is a shot of the hotel pool. I suppose if we do get stuck in the room it's not the end of the world.

Unnerving

2012-01-09T16:20:00.001+08:00

Should the propellor look like that?

North to Alaska!

2012-01-09T10:34:00.001+08:00

Well Exmouth actually but it's still north. Back at Perth Domestic Airport for the first time since the 'improvements' which seem to involve making you do all the work yourself. Self check in. Self bag tag printing. Self bag weighing. Self sending it off down the belt. I'm half expecting Qantas to ask me to fly the aircraft. The only thing that's not DIY is the security. I've been x-rayed, sniffed and bomb tested yet no one has checked my ID to make sure I am who I say I am. I'm not a security expert but that does seem to be a tiny flaw in the system. At least we can all sleep easy that my bags are explosive residue free.

Home and hosed

2011-06-23T20:37:00.000+08:00

Been back for a week now and have just about got over the trip. I always think it's weird to need a holiday to get over your holiday but that's what its felt like for the last week.

After the excitement of trying to get to Heathrow the flight was pretty much uneventful, which is the way I like them to be honest, just the usual boredom, food and movies. I couldn't tell you what I watched though, I think it had Matt Damon in it and the grey haired guy from Mad Men, which is pretty much my usual movie experience on long flights. You watch them but have absolutely no recollection of what they are. Does anyone else find that? I can't even blame the medication as I forgot to take them with me on the return flight. Maybe its just the tiny screen and jetlag that makes airline movies so unforgettable. Or maybe the champagne and Singapore Slings; who knows. Singapore Airport was completely deserted again when I got there, so quiet it's just bizarre, after 13hours on the 'plane you arrive to silence and wonder if something very apocalyptic has happened while you were over the bay of Bengal. It never has of course, it's just another normal day in my favourite, cleanest, politest and least threatening totalitarian state.

I did however set some sort of record for arrival at Perth "International". The plane landed at 11:30 pm and I was in the taxi at 11:48 pm! I can't quite believe it and I was there. Straight off the plane, through the magic self serve immigration gate, told by the quarantine lady that my tea bags are ok to bring in, bag third on the conveyor and sent straight out the door by the customs man. I was expecting the usual hour at least but this was amazing. The most amazing thing was the fact that there were actually taxis at the taxi stand. This, as you may know, is unheard of at Perth Airport at midnight. The driver didn't actually know how to get to Mt Lawley but you can't have everything I suppose. Why do taxi drivers here never know the way and why do they not listen when you tell then how to get somewhere? This guy asked so I said go over the secret bridge (well I said 7th avenue bridge, but that's much less exciting) and along Railway Parade. So we go over 7th Av bridge and along Carrington then back down Central the wrong way then right on Railway Parade and then up Fourth then along Beaufort then back down Third. That's not quite what I said but I suppose he has to earn a living ($35 for a 15 min trip, not a bad hourly rate).

I've been back at work for three days now and it's like I've never been away. The same issues, the same whinges and the same ridiculous children's names...two lots of Coco today. In the same school. No matter how "alternative" you think you are naming your kid there will always be someone with the same idea. It's why I believe people should just stick to normal, traditional names. At least your poor kid can end up one of many Patricks instead of one of may Tequishaes.

Final food photos attached, I was offered many more courses but just tried to sleep instead as there is only so many omelettes and sausages you can have on one airline.

Dinner

Smoked Salmon and Mozzarella Salad

Seared tournedos of beef in green peppercorn jus (what happened to 'gravy'?)

Banoffee pie

Singapore sling, my new favourite aeroplane beverage

Breakfast

Sliced fresh fruit

Spinach quiche with grilled tomatos and beef sausage

There was bread, pastries and tea and coffee too but I assume everyone knows what they look like.

Coming home

2011-06-14T00:02:00.002+08:00

So I'm at Heathrow again. It doesn't seem six weeks since I was here last, how time flies...except when waiting for a flight of course.

I nearly didn't get here at all due to the perils and failings of the French automobile industry. When dad started his car this morning, about half an hour before we set off, it went completely mental. That's the only way to describe it. The windscreen wipers started, the lights were flashing, the engine and air con fans were running flat out. It was like a silent movie apart from the noise of the engine running like mad. The biggest issue was the total inability to switch the damn thing off, even taking the key out didn't work. Well not actually a key, the "renaultcard" thingy as a normal ignition key would be far too normal for a Renault. Eventually I had to stall it and even then the lights and wipers and all kept going. We had to disconnect the battery to finally kill it. I thought I was in a Stephen King novel for a moment. Reconnecting the battery didn't help, it just set it off again. All totally weird. The diagnostic display in the dashboard was telling us there was an "electrical fault". You're not kidding M. Frog-mobile. Even the guy at the garage was stumped when we phoned him. The old man'll have to try and get his breakdown service to tow him to Gloucester tomorrow. Gods alone knows how much it'll cost to fix but at least he's finally realised it just has to go. Hopefully it can be made mobile for not too much and he can pass it off in a part exchange for something not made by Renault. Moral of the story, don't buy a Renault.

Luckily their neighbours are fantastic and drove us to Heathrow at the drop of a hat, not something you expect them to do on their day off. I'm very grateful and lucky that their Renaults both seem to work.

So now I'm in the lounge person a copy of super yacht monthly and watching children's BBC. These business types have very eclectic tastes in magazines and tv viewing.

To all those in Perth, see you soon. To all those in blighty; it was good to see you and I'll see you sometime.

I'll just leave you with the news from the local paper, which conjures up some great mental images;

And they say the devil has all the fun.

Oh! And the picture at the top is the local winery. Just like Margaret River, only a bit more damp.

Tired of Life

2011-06-10T21:10:00.000+08:00

That's a pretty depressing title, but don't worry, I'm just tired of London and, ergo, life. At least according to Dr Johnson that is. I got back last night after four days in the big city and, as much as I love it there, it's nice to be away from it again. It's just so full on all the time, especially when you are staying in Covent Garden. Basically this is ground zero for tourists, con men (preying on the tourists), buskers (preying on the tourists) and expensive cafes (preying on the tourists). Now I understand that while here I am a tourist but all the other tourists still piss me off. There's the huge groups of European school kids all with matching backpacks and all unable to keep to one side of the road/pavement/escalator, creating a huge, noisy, brightly coloured polyester roadblock wherever they are. Then there are the Americans, lovely people I'm sure but we don't all need to hear about your medication and latest surgical procedure (why do the yanks say "procedure" when the rest of the world says "operation"? Is that buzzy game called Procedure! in the US?). Still Covent Garden is a great location and the cheapy Travellodge on Drury Lane is both cheap and cheerful.

It was only about two blocks from the British Museum so I went there on the first afternoon. I only wanted to see one exhibition about Eric Gill the sculptor which is probably the best way to visit, if you just go there and wander about it's just overwhelming because of all the stuff in it. I'd suggest you decide what you want to see before you get there. The bit I wanted was just one room and pretty deserted so it was ok. I have now discovered what a strange man Gill was, and not a little unpleasant. I love his fonts, graphic style and his sculpture but I'm not so keen on his rabid catholicism, misogyny and mistreatment of his daughters (whom he had pose naked for him. Seedy much?). He was also completely obsessed with sex and genitals. Which just goes to show how catholic he really was. The rest of the Museum was completely heaving with school kids and yet more Eurotrash. I suppose it shows how weak Sterling is that all these foreign johnnies can come here and have a look at the stuff the British nicked from them in the first place; you have to look pretty closely to find the British items in the British Museum.

At least the foreign tourists want to be there. I was at the British Library next to see the exhibition of sci-fi stuff. Lots of first editions and examples of great works with interesting explanations (and a TARDIS obviously. The BBC must have a clause with all UK institutions that the merest mention of space or time must involve a cross-promotion for Dr. Who) when these three northerners come noisily in to the room;

"What's in thur Garry?"

"Just loads more borin' books"

"Bloody hell, it's a bit shit in 'ere in't it"

Books. It's the British LIBRARY! Fuckwits. I was more annoyed because they were next to me and I was looking at Orwell's original notebook with the ideas he'd scribbled down for 1984. I'm in awe and these dicks just want to watch Deal Or No Deal. The next day there was a headline in the Evening Standard that one in five Londoners can't read. I'm not sure if that shouldn't be "will not" or "do not" read but either way there could be no hope for this country. I can't imagine Chinese people being led past the original of Li Bai's poetry and calling it a boring book. (I looked that up by the way as my knowledge of Chinese literature is about the same as those northern gits knowledge of English literature, but at least I know who George Orwell is.) The BL is a really interesting place to visit though, I mean you can't borrow any books but they have some great things on display. And an excellent bookshop.

After such a depressing stop I headed back to the hotel for a cuppa and a sit down. Just down the road, on the corner of Drury Lane and Long Acre, is a massive building which I've never managed to work out what it is, but this week there were hundreds of similarly dressed men going in and out and generally hanging around in the vicinity. They all had dark suits, waistcoats and various tiny lapel pins. It turns out this massive place is the Freemasons Hall. You'd think that a secret society wouldn't build a massive stone temple right in the middle of London then all hang about outside. It's almost as if they want to get found out. Gods know what they do in there but it obviously involves slim briefcases and, judging by the shop over the road, lots of regalia. I know now where to get a little apron adorned with "mystical" symbols. And swords. Who knew there was still a demand for a sword shop in the 21st Century but you can buy anything in London.

This was further proved by a wander round the Inns of Court. This is the area where all the Barristers roost and is centred on the Temple Church (as in Knights Templar and the Crusades) south of the Strand and the Royal Courts of Justice. It's like a different world with different rules and strange terminology, the whole place is stuck in a time warp. Apart from the Jaguars and Aston Martins parked in the car park. It seems the legal profession isn't totally keen on sticking with the old ways. The church might be 12th Century but the cars and suits are not. Although this is where I saw the only wig and gown shop I've ever come across that doesn't cater to drag queens and country and western singers, just lawyers, judges and barristers. Although there may be some cross over for all I know.

I went to Greenwich the next day, a place I've never really taken too but was convinced to give another go by some friends. I went down the river to get there which was different, freezing and deserted. It's odd that the trains are packed but the ferry had three people on it, all of us tourists. It's not as though it's slow as Westminster to Greenwich only took about 20 minutes. Perhaps the commuters don't fancy a freezing wait on the dock each morning. Can't say I blame them for that. There was a massive ship parked (?) at Greenwich called The World which I thought was a bit odd, it's not exactly cruising season, but it turns out it's no ordinary vessel. The people on board actually live there and constantly cruise around the world. It sounds like hell on earth to me but apparently it's very exclusive. The Smallest studio on board cost US$600,000 and there are US$20,000 per month utility fees! I thought my strata fees were astronomical. It also explained the number of orange people with tightly stretched faces and giant sunglasses walking around Greenwich. And also explained the number of Maybachs waiting at the jetty. What a weird isolated world they must live in on the worlds most exclusive floating Butlins. I wonder how many of them succumbed to the wonderful tat for sale in all the gift shops in town? Normally I wouldn't be looking but someone asked me where they could get a tasteful snow globe when they visit London. It appears that there is no such thing as a tasteful snow globe, but you can buy some wonderful stuff. Union Jack Gemstone iPhone Cover anyone? My favourite are the royal wedding souvenirs which were obviously over ordered. There is a gift for everyone, even republicans. At least I assume that's who the ashtrays are for so they can stub out their fag on Kate and Wills' faces.

I went off to Canary Wharf on the way back to town. What a strange otherworld this place is. A land of expensive suits, skyscrapers, dated marble corporate lobbies and tax-payer bailouts. It's a bit like Manhattan on the Isle-Of-Dogs, just with awfully dated architecture, a lot of it with a whiff of the pharaohs about it; all slanted uprights and weird pedestal roofs. A tiny bit of hubris from the Tory backed developers at the end of Maggie's reign I think. Mind you it's not as if anyone working there seems to have noticed that they owe the UK taxpayer a huge wodge of cash and a great big thank you. This week there's a car show going on, guess what the cheapest brand there was? BMW. I've never seen so many expensive vehicles in one place before in my life. Jag, Bentley, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Aston Martin, Range Rover, Mercedes. There was a £350,000 Lexus that everyone was sitting in. Looks like there's still some bonuses to be spent.

Every year the Royal Academy has a summer show where both very famous and unknown artists can show their work. I went this year to have a look as for the first time they had a photography gallery. I cannot believe how much some of these people want for their work, and not to sound too conceited, I can take pictures as well as any of them in there. Well unless they have people in them, then my abilities completely disappear. Maybe I need a career change, as long as I can charge £700 for every print of course. The rest of the works on display were a bit too IKEA for my liking, lots of dodgy watercolours and white canvases with white paint on them (stuff which gets contemporary art a bad reputation in my opinion). Nearly everything in there was also on a massive scale. Who buys a painting which is 10m by 5m? Or a sculpture of a twitching dog rummaging in a rubbish bin? I assume they are all aiming to be bought by institutions, or more likely by Charles Saatchi which is a guaranteed career maker. It worked for Tracy Emin. A print of her's was for sale in the RA show. It consisted of a litho of five handwritten words and was a snip at £15,000. Really? Really! It's not even in biro. She wrote it and some other mug printed copies. Even if I didn't already hate her for being a talentless bint I'd certainly hate her for her brazen money grabbing cheek.

Luckily my day was saved by the tube trip back to the hotel. Some stations are so deep that they need lifts to get you to street level and these talk to you, to let you know the doors are opening or closing and which lift arrives next. It appears that the Queen has recorded the voice at Kennington station as it's the poshest lift I've ever heard. Even the grammar was archaic: "Lift number two shall be the next lift". Everyone at the station was in hysterics so I assume it's new. Maybe its for the Olympics, they certainly need to do something to get the locals on side. There are London 2012 shops at all the stations and tourist centres all selling the most dreadful crap. To be fair it's crap mostly because the logo is terrible and the two mascots they've created look like sex toys. But you can buy commemorative models of great British engineering emblazoned with the 2012 branding. These are a Mini (obsolete), Concorde (obsolete) and a Routemaster Bus (extremely obsolete). All a bit sad and tragic really, much like the UK's medal tally is likely to be.

Royal Courts Of Justice: note the TV crew:

Temple Church: Next stop Jerusalem:

Bargain time:

Canary Wharf, where the sun always shines and you can never go bust:

She was the Queen of Hearts you know:

Go on, stub it out, right in her eye:

Great Court at the British Museum. Amazing roof, average coffee:

You have to be careful in Soho as to which are the sex shops and which the cake shops:

Slacking off

2011-06-07T22:12:00.001+08:00

Ok I've been really slack with the blogging. To be honest I've been so busy during the day and so knackered at night that it's just got away from me a bit.

So what's been happening. Well I went back to Cardiff for the day to see how my old uni town was faring (I Think this is the source of the confusion that I might be welsh, I'm not, I just lived there for a while). It didn't get off to a great start as the train system here is a bit of a shambles. The train I got on was already thirty minutes late at Lydney, but I didn't realise this as it was so late it appeared to be the next train arriving a minute early. Not a problem I hear you say...oh but no! Because it was so late it decided to terminate at Newport, 15 minutes short of Cardiff. Why? Apparently this makes the statistics the train companies give about on time running appear better as, you know it wasn't actually late in Cardiff was it? It just never got there. Anyway we all get off and wait on the platform for the next train to Cardiff central, arriving platform 2. Oh no actually it's platform 1. Off we all traipse, up the steps over the bridge to platform 2. Sorry ladies and gentlemen it's platform 3 now so you better get your asses back over that bridge as the train is leaving in about 30 seconds! Bloody British Rail (except of course it's not BR anymore, it's about a million different companies, the one running my train was DB, the German State Rail company, who seem to do a much better job in the Fatherland). It was also at this time I discovered a new definition of "on time". For the train companies this seems to mean any time within fifteen minutes of the scheduled departure. I'll have to remember that when my patients complain that I'm running late. Needless to say I was a bit pissed off when I got to Caerdydd so I filled in the complain form to get a refund, which rather brilliantly requires you to attach your ticket. Which has been kept by the platform barrier on arrival. What a handy little trick. I'll know next time though to go through the barrier with a little man if I want a refund.

Cardiff has changed beyond all recognition since I was there last, and totally since I lived there, millions of pounds has been spent on the city centre. There are more shops that you can shake a stick at now, I mean they are all the same chains that are everywhere but there's lots of them. My favourite was the Lego store where you can buy bricks like pic'n'mix. Brilliant! I didn't do it but I was tempted. It does appear though that the council has only actually spent the money in one or two limited parts of town. When I had a stroll round to my old house in the student suburbs it was lime being in a post-apocalyptic future. Broken down properties, rubbish in the streets and sickly looking kids and locals (mind you they always look lime that do students). It was a bit of a shock. Obviously the money is only to make the city nice and sparkly for the visitors and people who can afford a city flat, the rest just have to get stuffed. It was a bit surreal and sort of freaked me out, but my iPod seemed to be psychic when I was walking round, playing lots of music from the nineties, even clicking over to Iron Maiden when I got to the old digs. It was almost as if A and J were there in spirit with their slightly tragic metal. Of course it could just be that I'm old and have lots of crappy nineties music on my iPod. Who knows.

I did notice one worrying trend in Cardiff and that was the return of the elasticated trouser leg cuff. Even on jeans. I suppose it's a logical progression as pants get tighter and skinnier that this horror would make a comeback. It's not a good look but so far seems to be limited to Cardiff. Sometimes a town can be too fashion forward.

Some pics (which seems to be the new format on here)

The Cottage, poorly name for an old man pub:

Cardiff Castle, which I have still never been in:

A subtle new building, the place is full of these:

John Lewis, looks like a happy-clappy christian cathedral:

Nye Bevan, father of the NHS (Currently spinning in his grave):

The old homestead, "Colin" to his friends:

And just to prove Welsh is indecipherable, guess what that means?:

Motorway...motorway...motorway...

2011-05-31T00:38:00.000+08:00

So I'm back from Cornwall. For a small country it's amazing how far away some things are, it was a four hour drive from Penzance back to Gloucestershire at 80 mph, but it's not 320 miles so work that one out.

We left just at the right moment as Sunday morning was damp, drizzly and cold. In fact it was so cold on Saturday evening that the B&B put the central heating on. This is not usually required less than two days from the start of June and the alleged summer. The whole of Cornwall was also completely full by Saturday night for the long weekend so we got out while everyone else tried to cram their cars, caravans and kids into the Cornish peninsula.

I don't really have much to add about the rest of the trip, we spent the last day in St Ives and I've said all there is to be said about that on here before. The difference this time was that the Tate Gallery was open and we all got made into a work of art. I have nothing but respect for the sort of artist that comes up with a simple idea and then gets someone else to do all the actual "art" for them. This piece was by Roman Ondak and involves everyone visiting the gallery having their height measured on the wall in felt tip pen. Eventually there will just be a black stripe around the centre of the gallery. Clever, especially as the man himself is nowhere to be seen and may have never even been to St Ives, there's just some poor gallery curator measuring people in a West Country tourist town. Sheer genius. Fame, money and no actual work involved. I think it's barely art and I generally love contemporary art.

We left CG in Cornwall for the long weekend and as is traditional in these parts it's been absolutely pissing down for the actual public holiday so not much has been achieved apart form me buying a Ken Follett book and getting Stephen Fry's biography for a quid. In fact all the top 50 books in WH Smith are "buy one get one for £1"! Why do we never get deals like that in Australia? And why do so few people here seem to read when their books are so cheap? At least I have a massive Ken Follett opus to read on the train to Cardiff tomorrow and I can also use it to beat off any Welsh people that get too close.

Here's some pics of Cornwall to leave you with.

I assume you bring your own wellies;

Apparently there are real fishermen somewhere round here;

Lands End, on a not drizzly but very cold, windy morning;

St Ives Harbour, gods know how they get the lifeboat out at low tide;

St Ives, the bin men here must be very fit;

Oh, and Mummers;

Kernow

2011-05-28T00:58:00.002+08:00

I'm in Kernow, that'll be Cornwall to you of course. I drove down Thursday for a few days but didn't really realize that it's a long weekend, by today it's obvious as all the hotels have filled up and there are tourists everywhere. Luckily there are seven Cornish pasty shops in town so plenty of food available.

It's really beautiful down here and we're staying in a lovely hotel in Penzance, it's a winner of the English Tourist Board "Breakfast Award". It was very nice to be woken up by the smell of bacon this morning. In fact it's been very nice since we got here. When we arrived the landlady asked if we wanted tea and we were presented with this:

The full clotted cream tea business, very nice and the start of a pretty calorie laden day. After a wander around town we had dinner in a local pub called the Dolphin, it was used to recruit volunteers to fight the Spanish Armada in 1585 and is reputed to be where Walter Raleigh smoked the first pipe of tobacco in England. Mind you both of those facts are from the pub's menu and may be for the delectation of the tourists. Even so it's a pretty old pub and the food was great. So was the beer actually.

CG arrived today after a long and tortuous train journey, something about the wrong sort of fire on the line, so we had a bit of an explore. Firstly off to Lands End, which CG's landlord had told her was only 350 miles from America. He was only out by a factor of 10 but this may have once again have been a tourist teasing fact. It was forecast to be a crappy weekend but today turned out beautifully and after walking the cliff path from Sennen I've got quite sunburned. After the cliff path we walked around a few of the little villages. This is where you notice that the locals and tourists/holiday homes are next to each other and there is quite a contrast. To buy a house here you need to be rich. Very rich. But the locals are actually pretty poor. In fact Cornwall is one of the poorest counties in Europe. It's sad to see some communities that are almost entirely made up of holiday lets. It makes for a very dead and empty community. It's not just the differences in wealth that let you tell the local from the tourist houses. All the locals have net curtains or blinds and none of the tourists do. I guess they forfeit the view for a little privacy from the likes of me walking past. It's strange to think that many of us try hard to maintain ethical and nondestructive tourism but have killed lots of communities in our own backyard with love.

Driving round here is a bit of a challenge. It's unnerving to drive down a tiny single track road and come to a sign saying "road narrows". Narrows to what? A footpath?! This narrowness of road is made somewhat worse by all the locals bombing along at 60 miles per hour and the double decker busses. If you don't like country driving I suggest you avoid Cornwall.

It's worth making the trip though to see some of the spectacular things. We spent the afternoon at the Levant tin and copper mine which closed in 1930 but had been mined for a few hundred years before that. If modern miners think they deserve their high pay for the difficult conditions they work in they don't know they're born. For a start they used to get to the bottom of the mine (1600 feet deep) on ladders. It took an hour and a half down and two and a half up. For each shift. Before you even start to get paid. Then once they get to the bottom they had to walk a mile out to the mine face. And this mile is out under Atlantic ocean. I cannot imagine how hard a life it was. It did produce a lot of innovation though. Many mining technologies were dreamt up by Cornishmen. Mostly involved with pumping, which makes sense considering the whole under ocean mining thing. It's hard to imagine what it was like when all the mines were all working, the whole Cornish coast must have been a hellish vision of fire, chimneys, slag heaps and toxic chemical processing. The whole area is WHO listed now, it's amazing to think it's categorized the same as the Taj Mahal and Ankor Wat but they all represent a part of human development and history that's past.

Dinner tonight is at another pub, even older than the last one. I'm expecting the menu to tell me that it's where Mary and Joseph got put in the stable.

Going abroad

2011-05-23T18:08:00.002+08:00

Just got back from Scotland (which isn't quite abroad yet but will be if the Scottish Nationalists get their way) and a very pleasant weekend. I drove up to Carlisle on Friday to see J and M and the kids. I always forget how far it actually is to their place, I think it's because I keep reading miles as kilometers and forgetting that they are 1.6 times further than I think.

The M6 motorway is a very boring drive, and not that lovely till you get past Manchester, unless you think that urban decay and the outskirts of Birmingham make for scenic travel. It's not quite the great ocean road. Once you get past the post industrial bits of the north though is does get quite spectacular as you drive through the Staffordshire countryside and Lake District. I of course mean spectacular in that slightly less than anywhere else's sense of spectacular that England has, it's beautiful but not quite a mountainy as New Zealand or foresty as Canada or remotey as Australia. But this is a good thing. Mountains like the Southern Alps in Cumbria would just be a bit silly. Because of the boringness of the motorway I did stop quite a few times. I would suggest you avoid this if at all possible on the UK motorway system. The services, or roadhouses if you're antipodean, are just awful. Always full of kids on school trips, old ladies from coach trips and members of the British forces for some reason. This doesn't sound too bad but add in the cost of a coffee and the unmentionable items floating in the lavs and it makes you want to keep driving. The "Tiredness Kills" signs start to sound like a good alternative. There is however one little oasis on the entire network called Tebay. This is a private service station in Cumbria which is the only motorway services in the UK with a butcher and a farm shop. And ducks in the car park. It's really lovely but I managed to miss it on my way up and stopped at a place that turned out to be only 10 minutes from my destination. It's those pesky kilometers again.

J was at work so I found the spare key and let myself in (she told me where it was, it's ok). I always think it's a very odd thing to be in someone else's house while they are at work. I could never be a burglar as it would make me uncomfortable. J and M are about to move to Australia, Perth in fact, so there was lots of questions about stuff. I also warned them to be prepared for the kids sounding a bit weird and very Ozzie in pretty short order. At the moment they are very northern so some may say it'll be an improvement. Not me though, I'd never say something like that...

On to Scotland then and to see D and P in their mansion overlooking the loch. It is just the most beautiful house in the most beautiful location. Last time I saw them the place was still in two halves as they bought it as two flats many years ago. It had been roughly hacked into two floors without much sympathy but P and D have put it back together with great attention to detail. It's the sort of place you expect to see in a Victorian drama. I imagine the vicar would live there. The location is amazing too, overlooking Loch Long. If you're lucky you get to see the nuclear subs going past too but I don't expect this to last with the current Tory cuts going on. There is just one small problem with the house and location. It is bloody freezing. This isn't a issue with the house, it's just in Scotland. Amazingly the natives don't seem to notice, we went into Glasgow and there were people with T shirts on for gods' sake! Glasgow's a funny place, really beautiful and with a very arty heritage while also being a bit of a hell hole with some of the worst social problems in the UK. I am at a loss to see how the SNP plan to pay for their health service when there is no English money available. Although the Scots do smoke a lot so there's some cash to be made there. Actually those north of the border already get a better deal than the sassenachs with free prescriptions, no university fees and parking for four hours for a quid outside the Kelvingrove museum. This is the best parking deal so far this trip.

If you are ever in Glasgow, and you may be, then a trip to Kelvingrove is well worth it. It's the only museum in the world where you'll see a stuffed elephant being buzzed by a WW2 Spitfire. Don't ask me why. It seems that when they refurbished the museum they just got everything out of storage, put it on display then tried to find ways to link together what you're looking at. It's sort of bizarre but brilliant all the same. I'm still trying to work out what child sized football jerseys have got to do with stuffed albatrosses. The kids loved it. They had activity sheets to do so that kept them busy for about five minutes then they just wanted to see the elephant and have some chips.

We drove back to Carlisle on Saturday evening and it rained the entire way, absolutely horrible conditions so I'm pretty glad I was a passenger. I've kind of forgotten how to drive in the rain and find myself turning into a classic Perth driver at the first spots on the windscreen: slowing down and pulling as far to the left as I can while the locals fly past at 80 mph. I saw my first episode of the new Dr Who while J was out getting takeaway. I thought the new child playing the Doctor was a bit too much like the last one. I assumed the point was that when he regenerates he's usually a totally different person. John Pertwee to Tom Baker leaps to mind. I'm also pretty sure he must have run out of new bodies by now. Isn't there a regeneration limit? I'm sure my nerdy friends will enlighten me. It was funny watching it with the kids, they started off sitting on the floor about two feet from the screen but gradually got closer and closer to the sofa until they were sitting on top of me. Bravery obviously doesn't last the full 46 minutes.

Sunday I headed for home again but decided to make a stop at Morcambe on the way back. You may never have heard of it but Morcambe was once as famous a holiday destination as Blackpool, attracting massive crowds of the "better sort". I've always wanted to go to see the Midland Hotel. This was built in 1933 by the LMS railway for their passengers to stay. It's a wonder of Stramlined Moderne with sculptures by Eric Gill (who designed the Gill Sans font on your Mac, among other things). It was pretty much left to rot during the 60s and 70s, with the decline of Morcambe as a holiday destination, but has recently been renovated and it is a sight to behold. You can really imagine the smart set arriving in their Bentley drop head coupe for a weekend by the sea before dashing off to give Hitler a jolly good thrashing. It's beautiful and I'm glad I went to see it.

However the rest of Morcambe...

What a sad, sad place. Even for me who has a strange affection for out of season British seaside towns. The wind was so strong that I could barely walk along the promenade, it was raining, freezing cold, half the businesses are shut, buildings are in poor repair and the hotels look like doss houses. I hope it improves in the summer for the poor buggers who are compelled to holiday here. The nicest thing I can say about it is that it had very cheap diesel at the Morrisons supermarket servo. Oh and the chips were pretty good.

Anyway here's some pictures;

The Midland

The chips

Eric Morcambe

Lucky Rita!

The beach looks ok but...

You need to follow the instructions

And dress like this

I'll stick to Cottesloe.

Shop shop shop

2011-05-19T19:08:00.003+08:00

The last day in London was spent at the new Westfield shopping centre in Shepherds Bush, right across the road from the glorious institution that is the BBC Television Centre. You can almost see the Blue Peter Garden from the car park.

Now I knew it was big but blimey! It took two hours to walk round the first floor without going into every shop. The last Westfield I went into was in Innaloo and you could fit the whole of that into Marks and Spencers here. In fact it's too big to go to unless you know specifically which shops you want. After doing one floor we were over it. It never ceases to amaze me how shopping has become the default leisure activity over here. The place was pretty packed but hardly anyone seemed to be buying things, just wandering around on their day off and having chain store coffee. In fact the developers seemed to have miscalculated the requirements for cafe seating as all of them (Starbucks, Pret, Costa et.al.) were standing room only. We finally to get a seat in a slightly fake French bistro called Le Pain Quotidien. Actually it was more than slightly fake, the service was excellent for example, but they were trying to make it French, even down to the coffee being served in bowls instead of cups with handles. It reminded me of a hideous school skiing trip to Switzerland when I was 11 and breakfast was bread and jam and hot chocolate served in a bowl. O! Our crazy European cousins.

I did manage to meet up with CG while I was there which was great, she of the international woman of mystery world tour. She's been living in London for about a year now which pretty much makes her a local. It's strange but I keep bumping into her on different continents, Australia, North America and now Europe. It was fun as she always has some excitement going on in her life, currently it's the shady sounding bloke she's house shares with. He's a lawyer who spends most of his time in "Bangladesh". I don't know why I parenthesized that but it sounds like a euphemism for "terrorist training camp" to me. Still it's always fun wondering when special branch are going to break down the door of your flat. I'll see her again (dodgy flat mate permitting) in Cornwall in a few weeks, bizarrely she's booked to be in Penzance the same weekend as I'm taking the folks down there. Which is probably lucky as it's not easy being a tourist in Cornwall without a car.

So I got home on Monday and have had a pretty quiet week since then, just a trip to Hereford yesterday to see the cathedral and buy M & D a new Hoover (that should probably be changed to "dysoning" now seeing as nearly everyone in this country seems to have a Dyson).

It's a beautiful place is Hereford, really pretty, lots of old buildings, a proper indoor market and parking is only £1.20 for two hours, which must be some kind of record. The only slight problem is that the cathedral, the biggest thing in the city, is almost impossible to find from the high street. You have to go down a tiny alley between Marks and Spencers and WH Smith. It's a bit odd but does give the whole thing a touch of the Harry Potters, you half expect to find a shop selling wands. I have to say though that the cathedral is a bit of a disappointment. It's a bit too short to be imposing and is made of Hereford sandstone which makes it a bit dull. The real reason to visit is to see the mediaeval Mappa Mundi. This is an early world map and is supposed to be amazing. I saw it when I was a kid when It was just stuck in a case on the wall in a dark corner of one of the transepts. Now it seems to have been moved to a secret location known only to the elderly ladies who act as tour guides in British historic places. Needless to say I couldn't find it and there was no one about to ask on a damp Wednesday in the marches. Oh well its one more historical icon left to cross off my list in the future.

I'm off to Carlisle and then Scotland on Friday, for the day believe it or not, so I'll report back after that but until then some observations;

Boozing: Three pints of decent beer in a pub on Marylebone road cost me less than £10/$15; the same at the Inglewood in Perth would be at least $20. I never thought I'd see the day when a central London pub was cheaper than Perth.

Loans: Some people still need loans over here though, even if the beer is cheap. There was an ad on tv for one. The interest rate was 4235% per annum. Bargain.

Defunct Counties: The British seem loath to let boundary changes affect the way they name things. For example we still write Middlesex on envelopes even though it ceased to be in 1965. Or there's West Mercia Police. Mercia hasn't existed since 918. I haven't missed the "1". The local plod are named after a place that hasn't appeared on the map for over a thousand years.

Sometimes people just can't move on.

Up the Parliament!

2011-05-16T15:20:00.002+08:00

It was my dad's actual birthday on Saturday so we went up the smoke again. Except this time we went on the tube. 40 minutes instead of 2 hours so there's a top tip, busses for short trips tubes for long trips.

Anyhow I had discovered that the Houses of Parliament are now open on a Saturday. Lucky our hard working politicians only do a three day week so the tax payers can go have a look round their workplace. Actually it's more of a gentlemen's club than a work place, I don't know about you but my office doesn't have pubs and restaurants in it. Or a post office (possibly the last one left open in the UK).

Anyhow we got into town and wandered down to the HOP (as they call it) to behold the massive queue. It was moving, and it turned out you have one of those timed entry ticket jobbies, so we got our tickets and I got a bit of a shock. £15 entry! Well, ok, as I'm not actually a tax payer I can accept that, but it was the same price for the locals. Perhaps I'm a bit of a lefty (I hear you all gasp) but I really think that entry into the place of government should be free, or at least very cheap, seeing as we're already paying for it. But no, same price for all. Well £10 for the oldies but it does make it an expensive day if you want to take the kids for some education. Much cheaper to go to Tesco.

It was worth it though, the place is amazing. I even coped with the security as it was all done by real police persons. Even the lady on the door handing out the lanyards for the passes was a real copper. The first thing you see, while in the queue outside in the sunken garden, is a massive statue of Cromwell. You know, the fellow held responsible for the regicide of Charles I and 12 years of religious fundamentalism and the canceling of Christmas. It's weird that the British put up statues of the bad guys as well as the good guys. There's a statue of Washington in Trafalgar Square. I don't believe there's a statue of George III in Washington.

The tour of the place starts in Westminster Hall. Amazing that the English can use a building that was built in 1065 and has seen the trial of kings and traitors as a ticket hall and queuing area. The whole place is amazing, a riot of bonkers Victorian twiddly architecture and even more bonkers decoration. Especially at the Lords end, I've never seen so much gilding and flocked wallpaper in one place before. It's like the biggest Indian restaurant in the world. The Commons end is much more subdued, just plain stone, but that's because it was all rebuilt in the 40's thanks to the Germans. I did note that the two biggest statues were Winston Churchill and Maggie Thatcher. Maggie in a classic pointy "do what I tell you or you'll get a taste of my handbag" pose. Why the hell she gets the same size statue as Churchill is beyond me. I'm not sure the Falklands conflict rates the same as World War II.

It was a pity we weren't allowed to take any pics, I assume because international super criminals could take pictures and plan some sort of attack with sharks and lasers. This does however ignore the fact that the place is on the tv everyday so the terrorists could save themselves £15 and still see what it looks like. The commons was surprisingly small and the lords was tiny seeing as there are 800 odd peers who are able to sit in it. And I mean odd in all senses of the word. Apparently Dave Cameron has spent the last year creating hundreds of new peers to help even out the hundreds that were created by Labour in the last 13 years. You have to love an unelected, unrepresentative, unaccountable upper house that can't actually block any legislation anyway. They do get a very fancy office block to work in though.

If you're in London I can thoroughly recommend a trip round, especially if you have the slightest interest in history or politics. I particularly enjoyed the story about General DeGaul, who was scheduled to make a speech to the house but politely declined when it was pointed out that he'd be making it standing between a massive fresco of Wellington accepting the surrender at Waterloo and a massive fresco of the death of Nelson at Trafalgar. He wasn't daft that frenchie.

We went for a bit of a stroll after that, up to Trafalgar Square and round to Covent Garden (tourist hell if you don't know the side streets) then over the Thames to the beach on the South Bank. Yes I did say beach. At the moment there is a summer festival along the festival walkway and they have brought in some sand to make a beach. It was very popular yesterday but it was too cold even for the English to sit on. Which tells you how chilly it was yesterday. It's surprising how busy the South Bank is now as it was always a bit of a concrete hell braved only by those heading to the National Theatre complex (another proof of my theory that all arts centers are modeled after the Führer bunker). It's since they knocked up the Millennium Wheel/London Eye. Now you can't move for eurotrash tourists, Americans, terrible, TERRIBLE buskers (mostly the "I can stand really still while painted silver" type. I really think there should be busker auditions before they are let out onto the streets) and hucksters doing the old find the lady card trick. It was amazing how many of the people winning looked exactly like the guy running the game. The old saying is true, a fool and his money are soon parted.

Especially on Westminster bridge on a Saturday afternoon.

The Daily Fascist

2011-05-15T16:23:00.001+08:00

An almost perfect Daily Express front page:

Something about yobs and thugs, a call for national service, a photo of a pretty royal, an insult to the Germans, instructions for the Prime Minister, a call to arms against Europe and an article denigrating older women.

This should go in the British Library. Filed under 'bigoted'.

Midsummer

2011-05-14T15:53:00.003+08:00

So I went to visit my friends on the other side of the county the other day. There are two sides to Gloucestershire, my side with run down towns and villages, old industrial and mining areas and dark forbidding woods. Then there's the side where P and B live. This is the Cotswolds and a more picturesque and chocolate boxy place is hard to imagine. Just crossing the Severn makes a huge difference. It's all mellow, golden stone cottages and houses; little, narrow, sun dappled lames and roads and a load of bloody middle class hippies.

This was made abundantly clear to me when entering town and reading the proudly displayed sign declaring "Nailsworth is a Fairtrade town". So no slave labour picking the cocoa beans in Nailsworth then. The guardianreaderness continues in the village store (built by the community of sustainable products and run by volunteers) where ALL the detergents are green and environmentally friendly. No Persil in sight.

Don't get me wrong it is a beautiful place and has a real sense of community but Its like visiting the set of Midsummer Murders or the Archers. Which isn't surprising as one of the producers of the venerable Radio 4 country soap lives here. So when Horsley got a community village store, so did Ambridge. That really is art imitating life. I assume The simple folk of Ambridge are also unable to purchase biological washing powder.

It was great to see P and B and the kids but it makes me realise how little I want any kids of my own. Don't get me wrong their's are great, very bright and very happy, but I'd be dead at 50 if I had to run round after them and break up the water fights and try and stop them stripping off and running down the main road and fighting over whether to take the soccer ball or the rugby ball to the pub on the common and get them all in and out of the car and get them to go to bed. I'm knackered just typing it all.

Saying that I was tempted to keep their little girl, last time she was only two and a bit wary of me, this time I was almost hugged to death. I suppose there are many many benefits to kids that I just can't really see by turning up and getting them all hopped up on icy poles and sour strips.

After I'd recovered from the kids we have come up to London for my dad's birthday. I'll never understand the traffic here, I was in a traffic queue for almost an hour at the roundabout outside Oxford, millions of cars in front of me, but as soon as I went past the junction there was no traffic? Where did it all go? I don't get it. It's like here in London yesterday morning, I was expecting a massive traffic jam to get to where the folks are staying from where I'm staying but nothing, at all, I just whizzed the two miles up the road in about two minutes.

In fact even central London was quite quiet but it still took three hours to get from Northolt in west London to Woolwich in the east. This was because my dad and his mate decided that we'd go on the bus to "see more than the tube". This is incontestably true as there ain't much view from a tube train but busses are so slow. That three hours was to cover 24 miles. That's 8 miles per hour. We were on the express bus for a bit but that doesn't work very well when it's following the regular service and still has to stop every time the bus in front stops. Genius.

But to be fair we did see a lot. A lot of it was not really worth seeing. The change from murderville to loadedville in London can be a matter of only a mile down the road. A good example is Greenwich. It is pretty nice, with beautiful houses round the park and on Blackheath but it's surrounded by god awful places like the Old Kent Road and Woolwich. It's quite confronting to be honest. It pays to know where you're going so you don't get off at the wrong stop and end up somewhere pretty nasty. This is made easier by the useful, and very British trick, of using pubs to navigate. Even the bus stops are named after the local boozer. Sadly I noticed that some of the stops are named after now boarded up boozers. That's what happens when you can buy four cans of lager in the supermarket for 99p.

We were heading for the Royal Artillery Museum (called Firepower, how tacky) for dad to catch up. With some old mates from his National Service days. It's interesting to see that the rightwing media is always on about bringing back national service to sort out the "thugs and hooligans", I.e. anyone under 40, but the people who did it seemed to spend their entire time trying to skive off and making tea instead of being on guard. The thought that this bunch of conscripts was all that stood between Britain and a million Red Army soldiers is a bit of a joke really. I don't think today's youth would get much benefit from learning how to peel potatoes and stand still for periods in the rain. The museum was good though and includes one of the most dangerous military posting in the British army; showing groups of kids how to fire a field gun. The two squaddies on duty yesterday looked like they'd rather be back facing the Taliban than year 5 from the local primary school.

So today is dads birthday and I have no idea what were doing, I'm just about to go up there and find out. I'll let you know what happens.

Car Troubles

2011-05-11T05:28:00.001+08:00

I seem to be having some issues with my hire cars. I'm now onto my third in three days, not bad going really. The first one was a Fiat Punto from Heathrow but it was just bloody awful, it felt like it was made from tin cans and was so noisy that I was totally deaf by the time I got down the M4, I also couldn't get my iPhone to sync and there's was no way I can cope with Radio 2 for the next week and a half. So I took it back to Hertz and asked to swap. I think this may have been a bit of a weird request as the guy at the local branch looked a bit bemused that I wanted to swap my car just because I didn't like it. So they gave me a Ford Fiesta exactly like the one I have a home, which was great. Except this one blew a fuse every time I wound down the window. Bit of a problem when it's raining. So I went back to Hertz again and they gave me another Fiesta. This one has the oil light on and half of the plastic body panels missing but I'm past caring now. If it blows up it's not my problem. It's also very, very red.

So now I have a hot hatch, three door, red racer. A classic hot hatch. But it's got a diesel engine. Not something that an Australian would think of as a sporty option (they tend to prefer a massive V8) but it's pretty common here for sports aspirational cars to be diesel powered. And to be honest it goes like the clappers but that might be because it's a hire car and as everyone knows, the fastest car in the world is a hire car. Any hire car.

That's something else I'd forgotten about Britain; absolutely no one pays any attention to the speed limits. In Oz we are all brainwashed into slowing down, obeying the signs and being caught on camera. Here nothing. Hardly any speed cameras and I haven't seen a single cop car in the last three days and 200 miles of driving. I don't really know what Clarkson et al are always banging on about, if you really want restrictive speed regs and cameras go to Victoria. In Blighty if you do 70 mph on the motorway you will be the only person doing so and you'll feel like you're parked. It's quite liberating to just put your foot down and get going.

The weather has been a bit crappy since I got back, pretty much rained each day and been fairly chilly, but today the sun came out and boy can you tell that the British don't get a lot of summer. It was 18°C at the very most today but everyone was out sitting in the sun an eating their lunch in any available bright spot. Gods know what would happen if it ever got to 35° here. I assume mass absenteeism and a massive increase in the sale of tanning lotion (we don't use sun screen here, we WANT to burn 'cos it's nice to get a bit of colour). Here's the scene in Cheltenham today to show you what I mean;

Not exactly the riviera but it keeps the locals happy.

Some pics as promised

2011-05-09T18:52:00.001+08:00

So here's Afghanistan:

And here's the food: brekkie PER to SIN:

Brekkie no 2: SIN to LHR (you know it's a hell flight when you get two breakfasts)

Lunch SIN to PER

And as I can't be bothered to type what it all was, here's the menu;

So there you go. Life among the jet set.

Oh and as someone asked me how much legroom there is on the plane here's a pic to piss all those Air Asia and Tiger fans off.

Jet lagged

2011-05-09T16:01:00.001+08:00

Well for those of you that don't know, I'm not in Kansas anymore. Well Perth anymore. I'm back in Blighty but don't try to burgle my house as I've got a house sitter and she can sic the cat of chaos on ya.

I flew in on Saturday, the plan being to surprise my dad for his birthday. You could say it was a success many time over as everyone who's come round so far has looked at me like I'm a ghost. It's a bit weird and must be what it's like for Jonny Depp; confusion then recognition then pleasure. I just don't get asked for autographs.

The flight was good, one of those 1am jobbies from Perth, but the airport was a nightmare. Apparently there is some work going on on the runway at PER so all the flights have been grouped together. Needless to say there were still only two immigration officers on duty even though there were about 600 people in the queue trying to leave the country. That wasn't the worst bit though. It seems that all air travelers now get an intimate rub down from some drooling pervert in hi-viz gear after already going through the metal detector and xray machine. I have some issues with this ( surprise surprise). Firstly a rub down from a stranger can be a good thing in the right circumstances but not when he's got a mullet and works for ISS/Initial Cleaning Services. For all I know he could have been emptying the "special lady bins" before changing shifts. I'd prefer any violations of my person to be carried by a law officer or someone with a federal badge at least. Secondly there was no explaination of why I had to submit to a fondling or why not everyone was being fondled. I also don't really understand how a bemulletted looser is a more sensitive security device that a $250000 Smiths Industry scanner? Anyhow it was pretty intrusive and I'd advise everone to be prepared for a groping if they intend to fly anywhere in the near future.

Still the flight was ok, I even managed to get 8 hours sleep all together which was a first. Although it is a bit disturbing to wake up and realize you're flying right over Afghanistan. Especially this week. Luckily the Taliban don't have fighter jets or ground to air missiles anymore (they used all the ones the CIA gave them on the Russians). Looking out the window you can see why they are all nuts there, it looks like one giant, mountainous, snowy desert. I'd upload a pic but I can't work out to do that on the iPad yet.

I got to Heathrow to discover it's got a new tag line: "Heathrow; making every journey better". I assume everyone from the ad agency uses Gatwick. Judging by the tour of the airport the Hertz minibus gave me Heathrow tries to do its utmost to make your journey slow and dirty and inconvenient.

Anyhow I'm here, in one piece and just about to go buy a sim for my phone so I can actually make some calls. I'll post some pics when I work out how to do it, especially of the airline food, just for Tim.

I succumbed

2011-04-09T16:31:00.001+08:00

So I finally succumbed and got an iPad. This is really just to test my blogging ability from it. Let's see. If it works...

Some Pictures

2011-01-14T20:51:00.001+08:00

One Pillar Pagoda

Temple Of Literature

Hanoi Mopeds

Want a helmet?

Military Museum B52 Collection

Ho Chi Minh's Mausoleum

Ha Long Bay

On the way to Danang

Hoi An

Japanese Bridge Hoi An

My Son Temple Ruins

On the Mekong rowing boats

Reunification Palace Ho Chi Minh City

Some heroic proletariat

Royal Palace, Phnom Pen

Genocide Museum, Phnom Pen

The first of many temples

Monk with iPod

Banteay Sri Temple carving

Ta Phrom Temple (plus tourist hands)

Ankor Thom

Ankor Wat

Pre Roup Temple

Not bad; 23 pics posted, only 1872 to go...

So shiny

2011-01-11T18:44:00.002+08:00

Been at Changi for a few hours and just about got used to normal prices again. Mind you the toilets are lovely and clean. After three weeks in workers paradises that is such a luxury.

I am being forced to watch the US Wheel Of Fortune though so it's not all wine and roses in the free world (Singapore is pretty close).

Quiet time

2011-01-11T09:15:00.001+08:00

Just got to Siem Reap airport and discovered that it doesn't open until 2 hours before departure. Obviously not masses of security checks to do here then.

Actually it's a very nice airport. All open to the outdoors, high ceilinged Khymer- ness. Lucky it's relaxing as it helps with getting over the tuk-tuk ride here. Seven kms is a long way in a trailer on a moped on main roads in the rush hour. I really wish they'd learn to drive their massive four wheel drives on their own side of the road.

So two hours here then an hour to Phnom Pen, an hour on the tarmac, three hours to Singapore, five hours at the airport then five hours to Perth, then an hour in immigration and quarantine. I should be home by 2 am.

Not bad; 17 hours traveling to do 7 hours flight time. I might as well be going by sea.

Angkor What?

2011-01-09T14:38:00.000+08:00

We had a different guide to take us to Siem Reap but the same minibus, which was a shame as it's a very long way and the seats are very, very uncomfortable. I think it's designed for littler people than Europeans. It was another four hours of scary driving with the extra hazards of horses and carts on the main road, quaint but life threatening when our bus overtakes a truck overtaking a moped overtaking the pony. You'd never believe the roads are only two lanes wide then number of vehicles there are travelling abreast on them. I did discover however that even in the wilds of Cambodia's heartland they recognize an iPhone, at least that was the only words I could understand the waiters saying while I took some pictures.

After a couple of hours we turned off the main road and proceeded down a dirt track that got rougher and rougher, passing through poorer and poorer villages. It was at this point that I realized I had not asked to see the new guides credentials. My unease was not helped by the fact that he was wearing a Glock handgun t-shirt. Ir though our time was up but it turned out that we were going for a cruise on Ton Le Sap lake. This is the largest lake in south east Asia and people live on it in floating villages during the wet season. It was surprisingly pretty but it made me very glad that I had the fortune to be born anywhere except here and didn't have to make my living drying fish and making 'cheese' from rotting fish guts. The lake was absolutely huge and pretty rough as the wind gets a chance to kick up some waves across it's length. I was particularly astonished that I could still get a perfect mobile signal in the middle of a lake in the middle of Cambodia. Take that Optus.

When we finally arrived in Siem Reap it was a really pleasant surprise, very pretty, quite green and very quiet, except for the noise of building hotels, there seems to be a new one going up on every corner. The last two days have been temple-ing. So many temples. In fact I've pretty much got one memory of one giant temple. I did write down all the names and details of the ones we went to but I'm not sure it's going to help when I go through the photos. The group had a bit of a mutiny when we realized it was meant to be three full days of temples and asked for Monday off, Som the guide was pretty ok with it, I just hope he still gets paid.

The temples themselves are spectacular, all built between the 9th and 12th century then pretty much forgotten about for 400 years. It's a bit like forgetting where you built Westminster Abbey and Notre Dame. The only tiny downside is the huge crawling mass of tourists everywhere. It's impossible to get a picture without a Japanese person dawdling into shot. I would imagine that 10 years a go it was a wonderful and majestic place to visit, now it's a bit of a nightmare. In some of the more popular temples (I'm blaming you, Angelina Jolie) you literally have to run into place to get your picture before someone else beats you to it. There is also a constant barrage of people trying to sell you stuff. There is also a massive number of children begging and running around outside the temples which explains many NGO's concern for these children's safety. There is still a huge problem with the Gary Glitter brigade in Cambodia and you can see how easily these kids could be bought. They have absolutely no stranger danger programmed into them. There are a lot of organisations trying to help them, but often it's difficult to see where the line between teaching a skill for the future and child labour is, when you see 30 kids under 15 in one shed diligently carving tourist souvenirs it definitely looks more like labour.

Yesterday evening we spent the sunset at a temple. I completely misunderstood. I assumed we were going to take pictures of the place as the sun set and the stone glowed red. But actually we were all meant to sit on the top and watch the sun set over the trees. To be honest Ive seen sunsets; live in a place with some of the most beautiful in the world so it seemed a bit pointless. I was the only one left at ground level and it was the quietest time I had all day.

Back to town for dinner last night made me realize how buzzing Siem Reap is compared to the rest of the country, shops, cafes, bars and unfortunately still quite a lot of the dread-locked breed of traveler filling up the bars. These people are everywhere in their sarongs and beads, wherever you go in the world. I assume they all come from one place in Europe which must be empty most of the year.

So tomorrow is our free day and then I fly back to Oz so not much more to post really. If I happen to bump into another temple I'll let you know.

The stupa

2011-01-08T21:32:00.002+08:00

Here's the killing field memorial. It didn't upload last post.

Bad Mojo

2011-01-08T20:50:00.002+08:00

So to Cambodia and Phnom Pen. The first thing you see when you get into Cambodia is a whole string of casinos, which us a bit odd as since then I've realized not many here will be able to throw their money away in a casino. The drive from the border to the capital is about 200 kms but our guide told us it would take 4 hours as the road "isn't quite finished". He wasn't kidding. Firstly they have yet to build a bridge over the Mekong so you have to get a ferry. Now consider that this is THE main road in the country, National Highway 1, the trans-Asia highway. And they're missing a bridge. It's like having to stop on the M4 at Reading to wait for a 20 vehicle cross river ferry. This is minor handicap to say the least but it did give us a taste of being in a zoo. The locals were very interested in us, faces pressed to the glass kind of interested. Disconcerting. Not as disconcerting as the last 15kms of the road though. It really isn't finished. It's not like there's a contraflow or anything, there's just no road. At all. We spent probably 45 minutes bumping over two lane dirt tracks trying not to have a collision with the many motorbikes, push bikes and massively expensive 4x4s that all the "businessmen" drive. This was the first clue that Cambodia really has some problems.

It was over dinner that we learned a little of the history here. Our guide was telling us about his experiences under the Khymer Rouge. He lost 50 members of his family and was two days from being sent to certain death in the eastern famine zone. Only the fact that his brother in law was dying in hospital, and the commune leader let them wait for him, saved him and his sister. It's calculated that the Khymer Rouge killed 2,000,000 people in their time in power. That's only 3 years 8 months and 12 days. My mind cannot comprehend that. Neither the number (about a third of the population) nor the fact that people could do it to each other. The level of control Pol Pot and his fellow murders exerted over the population is incredible. Everyone was watching everyone else and anyone could be killed at a moments notice for any infraction, real or imagined. The killing started immediately too, as soon as the KR took Phnom Pen they emptied the city and arrested thousands.

The place the arrestees were taken was called S21 and we went the next day. This was a high school turned into a prison but is basically a torture centre and death camp. If you went in you never went out alive. Out of possibly 20,000 plus inmates there were 7 survivors. I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or auras but Tuol Sleng Prison has some very, very bad vibes. There are displays of the prisoners arrest pictures and many are just children. The KR killed the whole family if one member was found 'guilty'. Children and babies were not spared. What makes it more horrifying, if that's possible, is that most of the KR soldiers were barely more than children themselves. Pol Pot was a big fan of brainwashing kids, he was a high school teacher after all. Anyone in Cambodia who was remotely intellectual or educated was guaranteed a certain death, ironic as Pol Pot himself received his education free of charge in France. He never passed the final exams though and this may explain his psychopathic dislike of the educated. The killing was totally indiscriminate however, it was used as a tool of control and as a means to an end, but no one seems to be able to say what that end was. We were lucky enough to meet in of the survivors though, and when I find his card I'll update this to give him credit, and he was a lovely man. He survived because he was a sewing machine repairman and was thus useful to the party. However it was also the reason he was arrested. If you broke needle while you were making the standard black suit you were accused of being an FBI spy and arrested. One of his co-workers gave his name under torture and he was arrested. I think it shows the level of madness that you could be killed for breaking a sewing machine needle. There is still blood on the ceiling of the cells to prove it.

Once you'd admitted your "crimes" under torture you were moved to the killing fields. This was our next port of call and was pretty traumatic. There is a 8 storey tall memorial stupa.

It is full of skulls.

Not all the skulls, just some. At this single place they've found over 20,000 people in mass graves. Babies were killed by having their heads smashed against a tree. KR troops who were destined to die were beheaded and their heads discarded. It is simply one of the most awful, moving and tragic places I've ever been. There are still bones and pieces of cloth coming out of the ground in the wet season. There are teeth still lying on the path.

What amazes me most about this is that no one seems bitter or calling for revenge. Pol Pot died under house arrest in 1998 and only five other leaders of the KR will likely stand trial. One, the commandant of S21, is serving 30 years. I can only guess people just want to get on with their lives and try to forget. Many if the former KR are now members of the government after 'coming across' and the whole period is universally referred to as the Pol Pot Regime. It seems it's often best to blame one person for the collective madness and then move on (see Nazism and Stalinism).

Every part of Cambodian life was affected the the Khymer Rouge period and the repercussions are still here. All the doctors were killed, all the engineers, teachers, architects, bankers, builders and so on and so in. It's why the road isn't finished. It's why all the hospitals are run by NGOs. The population was decimated so that now 60% are under 21. Cultural treasures and knowledge were lost or destroyed. Everywhere we've been there have been holes in the fabric or story of the places. Always the reason given is "under the Khymer Rouge...".

However I think the country will pull through. The poverty here is startling in it's depth but there are many good people trying to help and the Cambodians are nothing if not resilient. we went for dinner in the evening to a restaurant called Friends, run to teach rescued street kids to cook and get jobs in the hospitality industry. The food was fantastic, the students were happy and it was all started by an Aussie NGO.

I felt ridiculously proud of my adopted countrymen and left the biggest tip of my life.

I just hope it helps.

Bye bye crazy...hello poverty

2011-01-07T19:38:00.001+08:00

So as you know I'm in Cambodia now but I'll finish off Vietnam first I guess. We had the last supper in HCMC (which is what you call Saigon when you want less typing) as expected which will be memorable mainly for the atrocious service. I mean totally terrible and after living in kalgoorlie for so long I am well qualified to judge. They seemed to be willfully confused, bringing out the main courses before the starters, bringing all the rice at once then leaving it for 20 minutes in the bar to get cold which we ate the main meals. When we asked for new, hot rice it came and had a thumb print in it where they must have checked the temperature. I still ate it as I was starving by then. At the end it took us 45 minutes to get the bill, separate billing takes on a whole new meaning when each person is brought their bit, pays then waits while the waiter goes down three flights of stairs to get their change. If I could remember the name of the place I'd tell you to avoid it.

The last morning in Vietnam was spent at the Cu Chi tunnels. These are the system of 250km of narrow tunnels dug by the Vietcong to hide and fight the Yankees from. The whole place was a bit odd, like a Disneyland of Death ("the gruesomest place on earth (TM)). After the now obligatory bit of propaganda, this one a film from the period showing smiling girls laying booby traps for the GIs and picking rice with AK47s on their backs, we got the tour. I don't know if I said before but it's strange to have people give information to you about a war where absolutely no one has any remorse. They are more than happy to talk about their medals for being a "hero for killing Americans". With the body count recounted too. All I can say is that the VC got down some pretty tiny holes, which I didn't. I went down but it was way too small, dark and hot for me. We got to try VC rations too, basically tea and cassava, which may explain how they got down those tiny tunnels. The best thing was the cheapest gift shop we'd seen for ages. There was much purchasing of scorpion wine. This is wine. With a scorpion in it. Beats tequila I guess.

The group finally split and we went to the the border and the rest went back to HCMC. Lots of fond farewells and promises to keep in touch. I hope we do.

We thought we were the lucky ones going on to a new place but I personally had no idea what we were in for. The six of us remaining piled into a minibus and headed for the border and after a few U-turns we got there. It was the first time I've done a land border crossing and it was all very cold war, going through, having your passport checked half a dozen times and then walking about 400 meters across no mans land into Cambodia. I did finish my trip to Vietnam the same way I started by getting ripped off. I changed money from Dong to Rials and got half of what should from some dodgy looking money changer. Trouble is I didn't realize till I was well into Cambodia. So a big tip: never change money at a border crossing.

The change from Vietnam to Cambodia was startling. Just 400 metres and the people looked totally different, the writing turned into squiggles and the poverty became overwhelming. In fact Cambodia has been pretty confronting so far.

But more of that from the next hot spot.

Still alive...

2011-01-06T19:48:00.001+08:00

Still here but a dearth of wifi in Cambodia. Will update when I get chance. Needless to say I survived Vietnam and am finding Phnom Pen a bit hard going.

Miss Saigon?

2011-01-04T17:29:00.003+08:00

I've been in Ho Chi Minh City for 24 hours and I'm suffering some serious culture shock. Arriving here is like landing in a totally different country from the rest of Vietnam. I was expecting it to be a bit more westernized than the north but this is totally unexpected. It's like being in Singapore or Bangkok.

That whole communist thing? Well they tried it but didn't like it. That statue of Uncle Ho up there is your standard soviet 'leader as guide to the children and nation' business, reading some Marx to the attentive kiddie sort of thing (it's good to see that those Russian artists are still getting work). What you can't see in the picture is the Chanel, Gucci and Ralph Lauren shops in the Rex hotel. Right in the bronze HCM's line of vision.

They must have Uncle Ho tied down tight in his mausoleum to stop him spinning like a Catherine wheel (he was definitely stationary when I saw him but I suspect he's not been to his eponymous city for a while). I'm finding it hard to reconcile. I mean I can almost cope with poverty next to obscene wealth but I can't cope with Louis Vuitton with hammer and sickle flags flying. I cannot imagine how long communism can survive here when the failure of its central tenets are so obvious on every street. At least before the "economic miracle" started everyone was poor and hungry.

And I suspect lots of people are hungry here as it's significantly more expensive than the rest of the country and multiple times more than Hanoi. If you ever come to Vietnam I would suggest doing your souvenir shopping in the north and keep plenty of money for HCMC, I've had to change $50 extra just to eat for two days.

Apart from the weirdness of the commie/cashed-up combo it's an interesting city. We did a tour today and the architecture is beautiful and surprisingly well preserved. Not much bombing of the city as once the Americans left the South Vietnamese army couldn't really keep the VC back and the destruction was kept to a minimum. Although one South Vietnamese pilot, who was sympathetic to the North, did drop a bomb on the presidential palace. He's the VP of Vietnam airlines now. I'm hoping bombing runs are way down the list of their current training requirements. The Presidential palace is truly luxurious and built like the palace for a monarch, even though the 60s architecture has the feel of a Milton Keynes civic centre about it. It called the Reunification Palace now and open to the public. Being president of South Vietnam was pretty good, you got a great house thrown in. Of course getting bombed and the significant chance of being killed in a coup did take some of the gloss of the position. There is a bit of propaganda involved in the tour but it's subtle, just the tiniest hint of Ministry Of Truth.

Unlike the War Remnants Museum. This used to be called the War Crimes Museum, which pretty much sets the tone. It's filled with harrowing pictures of the suffering of the Vietnamese at the hand and weapons of the USA. All I can conclude is that the Vietnam War was nasty, vicious, dehumanizing and brought out the worst in young men who almost certainly didn't want to be there. It's hard to get a balanced view however as there is no mention at all of any inhuman acts of the Viet Cong and NVA. It's a clear case of history being written by the winners and I would never condemn any individual GI; who can say how any of us would behave in such a brutal situation. However it's pretty clear that the USA did break many rules of civilized war (incidentally one of the most crazy ideas of human invention, as if war is in any way civilized). The use of chemical defoliants being one of the most obvious, the Agent Orange (dioxin) is still causing birth defects in Vietnam and Cambodia, even the US and their allies have reported genetic abnormalities in their ex-servicemen's children.

I have nothing but sympathy for both sides and just hope that such a nasty war never happens again, and that if it does, that the soldiers, and especially their political masters, remember their humanity.

There was also a exhibition of war photos taken by journalists killed in the conflict (called Vietnam Requiem). They are pretty much an unsung group of heroes, if not for them being there at the front line we would never have known what was going on in Indochina. Relying in the military high command would have been pointless and the soldiers would have had no one to tell their stories. I think the war would gave gone on for many more years as well. I suspect we will never see such press freedom in a war zone again and it's why we don't really see what the troops are putting up with now in Iraq and Afghanistan. It's about the only lesson the top brass seem to have learned from Vietnam.

The rest of the tour round the city was your usual sight seeing, I was particularly looking forward to seeing the US embassy as the pictures of the helicopters evacuating the last americans are some of the earliest images I can remember from the TV. Sadly the original building was demolished by the government in 1975. Not that it would have mattered as the only place we were forbiddeen to take photos in HCMC was outside the US Embassy. Gotta love the land of the free.

After all jollity of the war museum and its burned children and birth defects I finally got round to some souvenir shopping. Talk about the sublime to the ridiculous. The only thing I wanted was a little, teeny, tiny Ho Chi Minh bust. They were everywhere in Hanoi but nowhere to be seen in HCMC. I finally got one in the market but paid twice the price that they were in Hanoi. There are two lessons from this. Firstly always buy stuff when you see it on holiday 'cos you can't go back to get it. Secondly even though this is a reunified country the mentality of the people is very separate. It's still really South Vietnam and North Vietnam. You can even tell where peoples sympathies lie. If you say "Saigon" and they correct you to " no you mean Ho Chi Minh City" then you know they are the winners. Everyone here, they say Saigon and are the losers. Although in reality only Ralph Lauren is the winner.

It is so hot and humid here that everyone is totally exhausted. It's also the last night the group is all together as six of us head off to Cambodia tomorrow so there's a last supper tonight and, I suspect, a swapping of Facebook and email details. It'll be a bit odd saying so ling after two weeks in their constant company but I guess that's another thing about group travel that I've learned.

I won't, however, miss Saigon...

The mighty Mekong

2011-01-04T08:42:00.003+08:00

Well I'm back in civilization after a few days in the Mekong Delta. We left Hoi An at some ungodly hour on the 2nd. At 3am in fact, which is the first time I've seen any road in Vietnam empty of traffic. We had another of those days of multiple forms of travel; bus to DaNang, plane to Ho Chi Minh City, bus to Cai Bei, then boat along the river to our home-stay. I did get to sample a Vietnamese motorway service stop which was miles ahead of any Welcome Break you'll ever see, helped by the tropical weather and outdoor setting of course. There was another moment of over service as there were at least three waiters for each customer (and consider there are 18 in our group alone) and they still got the order wrong. Probably because the guy taking the order couldn't speak English where as the boy he told the order to could. Why they didn't swap jobs is beyond me.

The Mekong was a surprise as it was so much bigger than I thought, over a kilometer wide where we were. It's also weird to see a river that is still so totally part of peoples life used as a thoroughfare, for fishing, trading and even for washing and drinking but that's probably not to be recommended. Actually totally not to be recommended judging by what was floating in it. Even though the river's a kilometer wide our boat's captain still managed to hit three other boats in the course of the day. No sinking luckily although I thunk you'd struggle to sink in the Mekong with all the mud and trash.

We did a few touristy things on the river, including some bartering for goods with the locals. As you can imagine with a group of British tourists there was a dearth of volunteers for this bit. The British just don't like bartering or haggling and even when we do het the price down we just let the seller keep the change, which might be defeating the object a bit. We had a different guide for this bit, a tiny lady called Phuong who had an obsession with tropical fruit. Every lace we stopped, the popped rice factory, the garden centre, the historic house, we had to "please now enjoy more tropical fruit". I really never want to see another piece of jackfruit in my life. It's all about sampling everything that grows in the Delta, which seems to be pretty much anything you want to plant. It's the rice/fruit/vegetable basket of Asia apparently.

We spent the night at a hone stay on a beautiful 19th century traditional house. All wood inlaid with mother of pearl and imported French tiles. The people who built it must have been loaded until the state took their land away and shared it with the locals. See communism does work...

Even though the house was beautiful the bits we were in were a bit more basic. I thought for minute we'd been called up and shipped to Khe Sahn. Camp beds, five to a room, cold showers and mozzie nets, which are a bit of a booby trap when you need a pee in the night if you're not used to them. We were entertained with more traditional music but this time the band was all pizzaz, all tits and teeth as they say in musical theatre.

Considering the camp beds and lack of aircon I slept really well. But that could have been because of the 3am start I guess. I'd have slept even better if the locals didn't turn up at 6am on un-silenced mopeds.

We spent the rest of the morning being rowed around the island by old ladies in row boats. They stood up to do it which was a bit odd but also faced forwards to row which makes much more sense than in Europe. Wise though considering the number of boat related incidents we'd already had. We also had to wear conical Vietnamese hats. Now I'm all for trying the local flavor but nothing looks more ridiculous than a European in a coolie hat.

I suspect that's why we had to wear them.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T15:48:00.002+08:00

Well that was the weirdest New Years Eve I've ever had. It was cross between karaoke, a rock eisteddfod, a high school fashion show and a pub quiz where the questions are badly translated into English and presented by the Vietnamese equivalent of Ant and Dec.

The entertainment was provided by the hotel and all the staff had been practicing for weeks to be prepared. Sadly it was still woeful so the tables slowly emptied as the night progressed. I felt slightly sorry for them, but not once we found a trendy bar to drink.

Anyway I'm signing off for a couple of days as I'm going to the Mekong Delta. And its a 3 am start.

Wish me luck.

You're in Da Nang now boy..

2010-12-31T16:31:00.003+08:00

Made my first cash withdrawal yesterday. It's slightly unnerving to type six zeros into an ATM just to withdraw $50. It's so cheap here that that'll last at least another five days. Actually we are all getting so acclimatized to prices that when the laundry came back today and cost 130,000 Dong we were all outraged. Until someone pointed out that's about $6.50 for 15 items. Not bad really.

The trip from Hue to Hoi An yesterday was a bit never ending again. So many stops to see so many things. It all becomes a bit of a blur but there were the first real American War relics we've seen so far. It pretty much starts outside Da Nang on the Col de Nuages pass, a very bendy, very steep ascent over the mountains which is not for the faint hearted when being driven by a Vietnamese driver. Particularly through the road works sections which are careful marked off with a bit of stick and a giant pothole. Good job no one drive on the correct side of the road anyway. After surviving the trip to the top we got to see the above pill box bunkers. The first defenses built by the US after the landed in Da Nang. They are pretty sturdy and command a great position in the pass but I cannot imagine what the GIs thought when they arrived from Lickspittle, Iowa and were put straight in a concrete target in the mists of a Vietnamese mountain. No wonder so much pot was smoked. Speaking of which we also went to China Beach. Apparently this is a famous tv series as well as the main R&R resort for Americans. I've never heard of the tv show but the beach was nice (in a way that no Australian would agree with considering the beaches in Oz). I would guess it was amazingly wild during the war, now it's pretty much deserted and ripe for development. A pity then that it's in Da Nang which must be one of the most charmless depressing towns we've seen so far. Our guide explained there was nothing to see except the beach and the Cham museum, and he should know as he was a refugee here for two years.

More and more little details are emerging about Mr Hua. It sounds like his family was on the wrong side during the war (that is, NOT Uncle Ho's) and there are still consequences of this almost 40 years later when he and his kids tried to get university place. No one can hold a grudge like a revolutionary can hold a grudge it seems.

Although they don't seem to mind taking their old foreign enemies money. All along the road from Da Nang to Hoi An are huge, mostly half finished, resorts funded by French and US hotel chains. How they are ever going to finish them let alone sell all the villas is beyond me in these allegedly straitened times. Although the developers obviously have a lot of faith in Greg Norman as shown by his face being plastered on every lamppost for kilometers around. I wonder if he's even aware that he's building a golf course "community" in Vietnam?

Hoi An is a beautiful place but by far the most touristy place we've been so far. Not that that's a big issue at this point as we are all quite glad to be able to get a decent coffee and some food without noodles for a while. The whole old town is pretty much as it was in the C16 & C17, except every house is a tailors, cafe or flogging Tin Tin in Vietnam reproductions. Still very pretty and best of all it's pedestrianized in most street so there is finally respite from the scooters and the tooting of horns. Except outside my hotel which is on a corner and unbelievably noisy. And also the least pleasant place so far. Not particularly clean and lots of reports of bedbugs. Not that I have any; and believe me I looked VERY carefully when I checked in.

Everyone has been getting measured for clothes and I was going to get a linen jacket made for $60. Which isn't really that cheap and I'd never actually wear it. Unless there was a wedding or funeral. It would shopping for the sake of if really. So I bought a shirt instead. And just to proove you really can't escape Jezza, Captain Slow and the Hamster it appears I've ordered it from their tailor. The little girl asked me "did you see us on Top Gear?". The world is so tiny now. I hope it'll be ok as they are just delivering it to the hotel tomorrow so I don't need to go back and get it. I think the returns policy is non-existent.

Most of the group have gone to Mai Lai today to see the massacre memorial but I gave it a miss. I think I'll have enough atrocity tourism when I get to Cambodia. Instead I decided to rent a bike and cycle along the river. I was going to get a moped but I'm glad I didn't after seeing the state of the push-bike. It didn't actually fall apart but sure as hell felt like it would. The chain came off about four times and typically when I had left the wet wipes at the hotel. Luckily a string of helpful Vietnamese people gave me tissues and newspaper to wipe my hands so that was good. I'm amazed I survived the traffic really but it seems the "don't look too much and you'll be fine" method really works here. I got back just as the rain started so I'm having a beer on my balcony being deafened by the traffic below. The hotel has a New Years Eve do tonight so I'm saving my strength to try and stay awake 'till midnight. I think this may be an impossible ask but peer pressure is a terrible thing.

Next update will be next year.

Happy New Year to all!

Storm the Citadel!

2010-12-29T19:58:00.006+08:00

The Citadel in Hue is the traditional seat of power of the Nguyen Emperors, right up to 1945, when Ho Chi Minh politely asked them to abdicate and help the revolution. Apparently he did and was asked by Ho to go to France to buy arms to fight, well the French actually. Sadly he decided to just stay in Paris instead, so that was pretty much that.

It's a huge place, the walls alone are 20 metres thick, and it's amazing to see how these people were living right up to really recent times. It's a bit like the Forbidden City in Beijing, the people only got to see their emperor twice a year and the rest of the time he was in here drinking tea and worshipping his ancestors. You can sort of see how Communism got a foothold when you realise the amount of wealth the Emperor had and the total poverty the rest of the population suffered. Some people may draw a modern comparison between Party and people, but I would never do that. I have noticed that there is a massive amount of poverty in Vietnam, just hidden below the surface. I mean there are lots of Mercs and BMWs around, but there are plenty of people scratching a living selling wrapping paper on the side of the road. I assume it's a bit like the Chinese "Miracle"; plenty of millionaires, but billions of nothingaires.

Anyhow after the emperors moved out the place was pretty much not used for much, but came into the news again when the Viet Cong decided to occupy it during the Tet Offensive. It took the Americans over three weeks to fight about 100m down the road to even get to the place, then another month to get the VC out. And I can see why, the place was designed as a fortess and is obviously very good at it's job, the thick walls, only a few easily defendable gates, a moat. You name it, it's got it. Well except a bunker. Once the US was given the go ahead to bomb the crap out of the place it was all over pretty quickly.

But this does leave the modern visitor (and there are a lot, see pic above) with a slightly odd visiting experience. Most of the standing buildings have been built since 1995 (with foreign money, but don't ask me why a revolutionary government would spend money rebuilding things from the imperial past) and the rest is just the platforms the internal buildings stood on. It's odd to walk around a site that is still basically a battle field. Bullet holes in walls, fallen walls and even some shrapnel. To think this was once a Royal Palace is amazing. It would be like walking round a flatened Windsor Castle after a guerilla battle between the Queen and the Communist Party. Mind you it might make Windsor Castle a bit more interesting.

We got there just in time as it started to get very very busy with Korean and Chinese tour groups. These seem to travel in suit and tie most of the time so you can't tell if they are on holiday or trying to sign a contract for a new factory.

Spent the afternoon sitting on a hotel roof top drinking a few beers and having lunch, which seems to bizzarely given me an upset stomach. Just my luck to get poisened by the five star hotel while the dodgy looking food stalls have had no effect. Needless to say I am having an evening in the hotel in dashing distance to the facilities but this does give me a chance to share so observations on Vietnam:

1] There are so many staff everywhere, I assume to try and make it look like there is full employment. Even the toll booth on the motorway had two people in each box. I suppose they at least keep each other warm in the winter.

2] Everyone in even the least offical job has a uniform like a five star general. The girl on the train whose only job seemed to be to tell us to close the windows had braid and five stars on her epaulettes.

3] Vietnames TV is very odd. I suppose because it's free market and communist it explains the Soviet movies, full of heroic proletariat fighting for freedon from their opressive landlords, folowed by Vietnam Idol. Yes they get the singing freak show here too.

4] They really love Korean Boy Bands. There seems to be an entire channel dedicated to this strange phenomenon. I have never seen such a campy collection of non-threatening boys in my life. Apparently the whole of Asia goes for these fellas, yet in the west we've never heard of them. Luckily for us probably.

OK I've been kicked off the computer, outstayed my welcome so I'll sign off. Don't want a 12 year old girl in a uniform taking my name. No time to check my spelling so you'll have to live with it.

Trippy

2010-12-29T09:18:00.000+08:00

Had a well weird evening last night. Our guide reccomended a reataurant where we could eat 'royal Hue court food' and listen to some traditional music.

When we got there it turned out we had to dress up as imperial mandarins and mandarinas and process into the dining room. Much embarrasment and amusement followed. Mostly embarrasment.

The whole evening was a bit of a wierd event. The band we had playing for us looked sooo pissed off. The lad playing the Vietnamese violin looked like he was only there because his parents had made him. They were all also having a bit of a chat among themselves during the different numbers. It was like watching a Rep Club christmas show rehearsal. Sadly the food was also the worst we've had so far, which was a surprise as even the food in the little roadside cafes has been excellent.

Oh and the vegetarians got brought meat kebabs and I got a huge prawn in a pot. So they still haven't quite worked that business out yet.

I think in future I'll stick to the Lonely Planet reccomendations and avoid the places suggested by Mr Hua.

Planes, trains and automobiles

2010-12-28T22:41:00.002+08:00

Thank god I've finally stopped. In the last 24 hours I've been on a boat, a bus, a train, a bus, a boat and a bus. In that order. Truly an epic journey and I just need a day or two to recover.

After I blogged yesterday there was the weirdest relay to allow everyone to "freshen up" using a couple of rooms before getting on the train. There was a list and we all had 15 mins each. I've noticed that this company is very organized. Too much really as we keep getting told where to eat and where to leave our bags. In fact our tour leader is very insistent that we leave our passports and bags behind on every excursion. As you can imagine this causes a lot of mumbling from the rest of us. The British tourist suffers significant separation anxiety if you take their passport away. It does seem odd that the Vietnamese think your personal effects are safer left in the hotel lobby or on a bus than they are on your back or in your pocket. I blame communism. I had also forgotten how much the British love a tan. Or sunburn more accurately. Of the 18 people sitting in the sun on a boat all day I only saw 4 of us put on sunscreen. So many rosey faces today.

So eventually we got on the train. This is when we discovered why we had a freshen up opportunity before we got on. It was basic to say the least. Think prisoner of war camp or gulag and you're getting there. I expected to be asked to join the escape committee. The toilet was a western type but unfortunately just dropped your little package straight onto the track. The squat lav at the other end was indescribable. We were told we wouldn't need a sleeping sheet as we were in the special carriages for tourists and well to do Vietnamese and would have a sheet pillow and blanket. Well so we did. I would imagine the provided linen had been there since the Tet Offensive. I don't think it was blood but I used my sleeping sheet anyway. And slept in my clothes. Mind you that was necessary because the aircon was on all night and it was freezing. I was on the top bunk, which took me straight back to caravan holidays as a kid, and I thought I slept quite well considering. It's quite soothing with the clackety-clack of the train sending you off to sleep. Not so soothing when the brakes are jammed on and you're almost thrown across the carriage every hour or so.

I went for a wander up the train and realized we really were in the fancy part of the train. We had 4 bunks per cabin. The cheap seats had 6. And the really cheap seats were just seats. Not the best for the 36 hour trip from Hanoi to Saigon.

Ours was just 12 hours to Hue and I've never been so glad to get somewhere. Unfortunately we couldn't rest as there was a trip to a monastery and a boat trip to do.

It surprises me how the Party here tolerates religious freedom. That must be pretty unique in a single party state. I will ask why at some point when I pluck up the courage, I feel strangely reticent to question the locals about the Party incase it puts them in a difficult position. It may be because the Buddhist monks here have a history of being quite vocal and beligerant in the defense of their religion. The monastery today, Thien Mu Pagoda, is where the first self immolating monk (Thich Quang Duc) was from. The Austin he made his final journey to Saigon in is still here.

Hue is so peaceful after Hanoi. Less traffic and a lot less tooting of horns. However the hawkers trying to sell you crap do seem to be getting more persistent as we go further south.

I also had my fist real Apocolypse Now moment on the Perfume River today. We were speeding along in our boat and went past a couple of old American patrol boats still there on the river.

It was almost enough to give you flashbacks.

Load of junk

2010-12-27T21:43:00.002+08:00

Spent the last 24 hours in Ha Long bay which is one if the most beautiful places I've ever seen. If you're a Top Gear fan it's where they turned their mopeds into motorboats. Lots of limestone islands sticking out of the ground. And I mean LOTS. 2000 I think. To be honest I can't really remember as we've had so much info imparted in the last two days I'm getting confused. Suffice to say there's a lot. And we cruised through them in a wooden junk. All I could think of was Roger Moore in those 70s Bond movies which always seemed to involve a fight on a junk at some point.

No fights today though. Just warm sunshine and plenty of seafood. Actually this is causing some confusion. The prawn allergic (me) and the three vegetarians are being kept apart from the rest at meal times. It's like being on the kids table at Christmas. Supposedly it's to prevent confusion but seeing as they still bring meat spring rolls and fried pork to the table I'd suggest it's not working. Ok for me though. Except they also brought prawns. I'll assume its the language barrier.

Getting there yesterday was an experience in itself. The drivers are totally suicidal yet there appear to be no crashes and very few dented cars. That might be more due to the 50 kph speed-limit though which explained the 4 hours to do 140 kms. I'm also amazed that these Vietnamese drivers can turn a two lane road into five lanes. That is some awesome filtering going on right there.

We passed some huge factories (Foxconn was one so expect your next iProduct to be Vietnamese) and went through a coal mining town, the streets of which were black, along with the people, buildings and cows. I'm guessing they don't hand out many "accident free days" t-shirts here judging by the thongs all the workers were wearing.

So now we are just waiting to get on the train for the 12 hour trip to Hue. I've never been on a train that long. Even with British Rail's help and leaves on the line. Apparently the food on board is not really safe so we have stocked up with stuff for breakfast. Unfortunately the only place nearby is a 7-eleven clone so it looks like kit-kats, crisps and biscuits for brekkie.

I've discovered two more fascinating facts today. Firstly that the music of Sigur Ròs matches the passing Vietnamese countryside perfectly.

Secondly Top Gear was on the tv in Vietnamese last night. You can't escape Jeremy Clarkeson anywhere in the world.

Good morning sunshine

2010-12-27T07:41:00.001+08:00

Ha Long Bay today and finally the sun makes an appearance.

And the winner is...

2010-12-26T13:14:00.003+08:00

I underestimated Uncle Ho yesterday. He didn't beat two foreign powers, he beat four. The Chinese, the Japanese, the French and finally the Americans. Oh and the British who propped up the French in 1945. I had no idea. Bizarrely after the war finished the British directed the Japanese prisoners of war to fight the Viet Minh on behalf of the French. What a tangled web we weave. Or wove, seeing as the UK is a bit of a spent force when it cones to international intrigue nowadays.

I'm pretty glad that was our last escapade in indochina considering the shit that went down after 1965. Take this with a pinch of salt, seeing that the source is the Vietnam military history museum, but the USA had a hell of a time in Vietnam. I've never seen so many bits of aircraft in one place and the pictures of the conditions both sides fought in show what a hellhole it was. You realize the US and her allies (south Vietnam, Australia and New Zealand to give credit to all) hadn't a hope of winning when Ho Chi Minh and his generals had had almost 30 years to perfect their guerilla techniques before the yankies even arrived. They really should have spoken to the French before they got here. You have to remember that the NVA weren't just pajama wearing guerillas. They had MiGs and missiles too. I don't think you really get that impression from the movies. Its funny that the Americans in 1945 were all about self determination. Unless you're a commie of course. Never get involved in a civil war. Just ask the boys in Afghanistan.

It's a great museum though. There us no ceremony with the relics. You can touch and climb all you like. Well on the US stuff at least. Not so much with the local memorabilia.

Anyhow it's my last morning in Hanoi so I'm off for lunch then a four hour drive to Ha Long bay. Its only 150 km so I'm expecting a lot of traffic. Wish me luck.

Uncle Ho

2010-12-25T22:10:00.002+08:00

Communism. Where all people are equal. Unless you're the president in which case you get a massive mausoleum. And embalmed.

Yes we went to see Uncle Ho this morning; possibly the worlds weirdest tourist attraction. He's a testament to that strange soviet art of embalming. He looks amazingly perky for a man who's been dead for 40 years. Some of the group didn't realize we were actually about to see the man himself so were a bit surprised to find themselves filing past a corpse. But it did explain the no talking, no hands in pockets, no shorts, no t-shirts rules. Enforced by men with bayonets. Thank god my phone was on silent when I got that SMS message. I think your phone beeping is probably also against the rules.

It's hard to tell if these rules really need to be enforced or not as everyone here reveres and loves "Uncle Ho". Or at least seems to. I'm pretty sure our guide is not being sarcastic when he talks about the Party and how they've made Vietnam so successful. To be honest Ho Chi Minh should be pretty well loved as there aren't many leaders who have seen off two of the worlds great powers. But why he needs to be kept on show when his own wishes were to be cremated and scattered over Vietnam is beyond me. The cult of personality is very strange; and rare in democracies. Although Obama came close before he got elected. Think he's missed his chance now though.

The mausoleum is also part of the Presidential Palace. A huge French colonial pile that HCM refused to live in. He had a tiny two room wooden house built in the grounds and lived there instead. He really did seem to be a man of principles. He even had an outdoor dunny though that's taking principles too far in my opinion.

We also lost our first group member at the mausoleum. One of the ladies has a dicky hip so decided to give the hike around the "Wonderful World Of Communism" a miss. Unfortunately the guide couldn't remember when and where we were meeting her. I have to say he didn't seem to bothered about leaving her behind. She turned up just as we were boarding the bus. I'm pretty sure he'd get his pay docked if he looses too many guests.

There were two examples of things not being as they appear today. Both involving temples. The first one was the historic One Pillar Pagoda. Built in 1050. Except the current version was built in 1954 after the French demolished it when they left. So not at all historic then really. The next was the Temple Of Literature, completed in 2000. Admittedly some of it was old but it reminds you that quite a lot of Hanoi was completely bombed flat not all that long ago. In fact during my lifetime. Just. This place did have the most amazing gift shop I've ever seen though, selling buddha images and hammer and sickle banners. You don't get that in St Pauls.

So tomorrow morning is our first free time so I'm off to the Vietnam Military History Museum. We drove past today and it's got MiG fighters and tanks outside! How can anyone resist. And over the road is Lenin Square with the big statue and all. See it really is communist here.

So far it's great here. The food is good and cheap (bowl of phô = $1, beer = $1), the people are friendly and not totally obsessed with hassling you to buy stuff and I'm even getting used to crossing the road (just step out, don't look and everyone just seems to miss you). However the use of two currencies is doing my head in. Sometimes it's US$. sometimes it's VND. I prefer the latter as it's fun to say "that's 20000 Dong thanks". Much hilarity.

Oh and if you come here bring a European two pin plug adaptor. Most of the guide books say US or UK. Both are wrong. Luckily one of the group loaned me hers otherwise I'd be taking no pictures and receiving no SMS messages.

Mind you as I'm international roaming that might be a good thing.

Good Morning Vietnam

2010-12-25T09:21:00.000+08:00

Well I'm here and it's bonkers! So much traffic, so much noise, so many people. I realised when I got to the airport that this was the first Communist Country I've been to, proven by the giant hats on the officials and the lack of smiling. Also the hour it too to get my bags back. I was definately getting separation anxiety untill I realised all the Australians were still waiting for thier luggage. Payback maybe?

The Taxi ride was also a steep learing curve. Firstly because I have been warned so many times about dodgy taxi drivers ripping you off here and secondly because of the traffic madness. I was in fact a little ripped off, with the agreed price od 250000 VND at the start of the hourney increasing to 400000 half way through. Significant inflation, but still only $20 foran hours taxi ride. No bad really.

The rest of my group arrived yesterday, they are a mixed bunch, young and old, mostly British, one American and a lady from Ireland, so it should be interesting. About to head off on the first days tripping so this is where I'll find out if I can really cope with organized travel.

Here I go again..

2010-12-24T00:23:00.001+08:00

Ahh. Perth "International" Airport. How I've missed your hallowed, and surprisingly tiny, halls. Particularly noticeable tonight as there are five flights all checked in and waiting at the same time. Never seen so many people milling about in my life. Probably caused by a lack of seating in here. And exacerbated by the people lying across numerous seats.

Why do people feel the need to sleep at Perth airport. Surely you have barely started your journey as this is pretty much the end of every airlines route. Sleeping in transit at Dubai or Singapore I can understand. But here? Obviously all that checking in tired you out.

There is also an extremely unpleasant odour in the air. I'll blame the people on the no-frills airlines. I long for the days when air travel was expensive and glamorous and involved less people in thongs (the footwear not the underwear, but they may be wearing those too to match the lumbar tattoos).

You say snob; I say discerning!

Howzat?

2010-12-19T16:29:00.000+08:00

Well you know summer is here when the words "England Collapses" appear in the sports news. The good old England Cricket Team are nothing if not dependable...as long as you aren't depending on them to have a winning streak of more than one match that is.

I put an app on my phone that sends me a little message, along with a 'bingle' noise, every time a wicket falls during a Test and it was really, amazingly surprising that during the second test, every time I looked, it was an Australian wicket falling. For two days it was a succession of little bingles from my pocket and for once England was winning. Sadly for the last two days the bingles have been coming even faster as the tourists do an impression of a dying swan.

Still it's actually quite comforting for the status quo to be returned, and it lets the Aussies return to their usual pastime of trying to wind up the Englishman about his national side loosing some game or other again. What the colonials fail to realise is that if the English got sad every time one of their sporting teams/heros/hopefuls lost we'd be in a state of total depression almost constantly. The best way to deal with statements like "So the poms are loosing again eh mate, bet that makes ya sick as a green galah" (for that is how everyone speaks here, I've seen Oprah) is to respond with a polite "Of course they are" and smile. This disorients the Australian interlocutor as they have no real concept of resigned failure in sport, what with winning all the time. To be honest a lot of Aussies can't even handle the current (as of today) situation of a tie after 3 tests, some of my friends demand a whitewash or nothing, even though this way makes it actually possible to watch cricket without being totally bored stupid.

Oh those paragraphs are going to earn me some grief but luckily I really don't give a toss about any sporting event so bring it on (luckily I moderate all the comments on here).

Finally finished getting stuff for the trip today, the most difficult thing was buying a new wash bag believe it or not. They are all massive (like my current one) or microscopic (made for carry on bottles). Eventually I got a North Face one that's like the baby offspring of one of their full size duffels. I can at least pretend I'm a real adventurer now I own a piece of North Face equipment, more commonly seen going up an Alp or a Himalaya.

I've come to wonder why all the staff in the shops insist on asking you things when you have quite obviously got earphones in and music playing? Every shop it's the same. I'm just browsing when I sense someone standing just out of my peripheral vision, looking expectant. It's a tiny bit annoying to unplug just to be asked if I need any help. If I need help I'll probably ask for it, all you need to do to the earphoned customer is smile and nod as they walk by. I suppose they are just trying to give good service but really, see the things in my ears? It means I cannot hear you! I'm never happy am I, either too much service or not enough.

I also have a bone to pick with the people who think their Commodore or Landcruiser counts as a "Small Vehicle" in the multistory car parks here. They write that on the wall so that you DON'T try to fit your 5 metre long truck in a 2 metre long space thereby completely blocking the exit from the damn place. Maybe there's a discount for smaller spaces that I don't know about?

I've just realised I've got two passports so it really (and I mean really, really) doesn't matter who wins the Ashes as I can claim to be a proud Citizen or Subject and claim the ashes as my own. That and jumping the immigration queue at Heathrow, the two perks of dual nationality.

Those were the days

2010-12-15T19:03:00.002+08:00

I found out a very weird thing today. Apparently until fairly recently there were regular reunions of ex-SS members.

That's the Nazi, murdering, homicidal maniac SS.

I can't quite believe it, though I suppose if the RSL and British Legion have beer and bowls nights for the old soldiers then the Germans must do the same. But really, the SS? Half of them are still wanted war criminals and the rest must surely feel a little embarrassed by their exploits. Perhaps that should be 'hopefully' not 'surely' as I'm not sure at all that they feel any remorse.

I can't imagine what they talk about. I know that lots of people do things in wartime that they would never do in peacetime, like killing the enemy and trying to keep away from the Americans friendly fire, but there can't be many hilarious stories about Zyklon B and Einsatzgruppen to reminisce over.

Apparently these reunions don't happen so much now, but that's not because the authorities shut them down. Most of reunions were in Bavaria (the home of the Nazi party, I say no more) and seemed to go ahead with no bother from the judiciary and police. I make no judgements but it seems a bit odd that no one ever got arrested. Especially when the Danish government and Wiesenthal Centre are still trying to get at some of the attendees.

I understand that they rarely happen now as most of the 'old boys' are dead or incapacitated. Seems like a lost opportunity for justice to me.

I was thinking of something else too, about Copyright. How come if you are an 'artist' or 'creative' you do something once, but then get paid for it for the rest of your life and 70 years after you die?

No other job gets this. I would love to do a filling on someone once and get paid every time time the recipient chewed or spoke. Or plumbers could get paid every time you used the tap they put in.

Can anyone explain why it's like this? Especially the after death bit, that just sounds like giving money to your less talented relatives.

I've had wide ranging day as you can tell.

Christmas is a-coming

2010-11-30T18:27:00.005+08:00

So it's two weeks to Christmas, give or take a day or two. I can't quite believe it to be honest, it seems only five minutes ago that I was snowed in in the UK for last Christmas. That makes me sound such a fogie but it does seem true that the older you get the faster time passes.

So I've spent the last few weeks christmas shopping which I thought was going to be made easier by the shopping deregualtion that has finally happened here. At long last shops in Perth can open till 9 everynight. The problem is they aren't.

Well some are, mainly the supermarkets and cheapo variety stores (you know, Kmart and the like) but not Myer or David Jones or pretty much anyone else. In fact it's a bit odd as the massive shopping centres are open but all the shops are shut. It's a bit post-apocalyptic; but with less zombies, just bogans (that might just be Morley). To be honest this isn't particularly surprising as Perth seems to be the only city in the world where the retailers feel that the customers should take time off work to get their groceries and shoes.

Anyhow I managed to get my shopping all done by the beginning of December, which I think is pretty bloody organised, and have even posted it all off. The postage was a bit of a shock though to be honest, one parcel of books cost over $50 to get to the UK. Luckily it's only once a year.

I can tell it's Christmas because of the giant Xmas trees and santa and the music playing in the shops. Actually that's the only way I can tell it's Christmas as I'll never get used to having it when the weather is 35º. I'm sitting here now with the decorated tree with the snow covered ornaments and the airconditioning pumping cold air out so I dont get heat stroke. It's a really weird experience, and after more than ten Aussie Christmasses I don't think it'll ever become normal.

Not that I'll actually be here for Christmas this year, as I've mentioned before I'll be in Vietnam and Cambodia. I've been doing my usual research (well I read a guide book and Wikitravel) and it's hard to get past the whole american war thing. Vietnam is a country, not a war, but you'd never know it from the media available. I've watched so many war films and read so many war novels, it's odd to think there's thousands of years of history before 1968 but you'd be hard pressed to know it. Only the Top Gear Special barely mentions the war. Still the general consensus is that it's a great place to visit, good food, friendly people, beautiful country.

The same doesn't seem to be true of Cambodia. It's a country with lots of problems, and to be honest, given their terrible recent history, it's not surprising. Oh the country is meant to be beautiful and the people friendly but the crime rate is apparently spectacularly high. I was particularly pleased to read about the brick attacks on western tourists. That'll be bricks thrown from moving vehicles at passers by. I thought it was bad enough in Mount Lawley getting eggs chucked at you. Still I'll forgive anything from a people who have been so royally screwed by the west over the years. Guess who the US and UN supported in the Cambodian Civil War in the 70's and 80's? Go on, think of the least likely people who warrant support. That's right, the Khmer Rouge. I can't quite believe this but apparently it's true. The UN let the organisation that killed, at a minimum, 1,000,000 people keep the country's seat on the security council lest the Vietnamese backed Communists get into power. That's a million people. Out of a population of 7,000,000. And they were only in power for 40 months! My mind still reels from those numbers and reels even more from the fact that the West seemed to think they were the good guys! Part of my tour is to the Killing Fields and Khmer Rouge prison camps. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to cope with it as I get pretty upset at War Graves Sites, which I can just about (just) justify to myself. It seems odd to visit a genocide tourist attraction but there you go. Stay tuned for how it goes.

I have at least finally finished stocking up on travel supplies. I was laughed at by work colleagues for my slightly over-stuffed first aid and drug kit but I don't care. I'll have the last laugh when I'm not the one suffering from explosive diarrhoea or hepatitis A. Still not sure if I need malaria tablets though? I've got super strength mozzie repellent (80% deet which I think is probably enough to repel an elephant) but I do tend to be a bug smorgasbord. The only slight problem is the fact that I've bought a tiny backpack, 65 litres in fact, so I'm going to have to travel pretty light. Here's hoping that there's plenty of laundries in south east Asia or I may end up smelling like a traveller. This is not a good thing.

So I'm all ready for Christmas and all ready for my trip, just need to survive the work do and the last week of term. We'll see how we go.

Da Da Diddle Diddle De De Dum Dum

2010-10-30T12:15:00.003+08:00

Had a very retro evening last night at the circus with Ben and Liv. I got the text in the afternoon and thought it would be a bit of a giggle to go, but not as funny as everyone else thought it was for some reason. The comments from colleagues and from the other people I asked were all verging on the incredulous (along with a lot of "ohhh, I'm scared of clowns so I can't go"). I didn't think a circus trip was that weird but obviously I'm misinformed.

It was the Circus Joseph Ashton, a family affair that's been going for longer than Australia has. Well since 1851 anyway, which is pretty impressive for one family really. It was a strange evening to be honest, but entertaining, and reminded me how sophisticated the world has become, making things like the travelling circus seem incredibly old fashioned. There were jugglers, clowns (but not too creepy), acrobats dressed like GIs for some unfathomable reason, miniature ponies, dogs in tutus and even performing goats. Well at least goats that climbed on things which isn't really a stretch for goats. No lions and tigers but that's no bad thing, I have no problem with domestic animals being trained to do tricks, after all that's sort of what they are for, nobody complains about teaching fido to play dead.

It kept reminding me of the old Saturday night variety shows we used to get on ITV and the BBC when I was a kid, where there would usually be an act or two from the Moscow State Circus or some other godforsaken eastern bloc hell hole, along with Jimmy Tarbuck and The Black and White Minstrels. It was all a bit melancholy really, especially with the small crowd in the Big Top, to think of all the effort and practice that had gone in to the show only to be seen by few people. I can't imagine that there is much future for this sort of entertainment, which is really sad. No matter how much you think it's lame or old fashioned you have to be impressed by the skill of the family members, I know that I've never spent the evening on the flying trapeze with my mum and dad. What three generations of people raised in spangly tights will do if it goes belly up is hard to imagine. Run away from the circus and become accountants probably.

From all that it might sound like I hated it but that's far from the truth. We had a really good time and you can't complain about $15 for two hours live entertainment, especially when there's the chance of someone falling from a great height. It's difficult to see why everyone thought it was hilarious that I was going to go the Ashton Family Circus when the very same people are paying astronomical prices to see a bunch of lycra clad French Canadians doing the same acrobatics at Cirque Du Soleil.

It may appear to be old fashioned but I really hope the Ashtons survive, the travelling show is an important bit of our history and vital for the people that depend on it for their livelihood. Traditional Circuses are under threat from so many directions, from aninmal welfare nutjobs to wanky French Canadians, so I'd urge everyone to find their nearest one and go give it a visit.

You might even get over that coulrophobia.

A Wry Old Time

2010-10-21T22:18:00.001+08:00

Woke up with a weird stiff neck this morning. I mean I have a bad neck most of the time but not enough to stop me looking to the left usually. Not today though. Backing out of the carport was a bit of a challenge, I just had to adopt the Perth method of reversing blindly at high speed and hoping everyone else just got out of the way.

It's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. I've taken so many pain killers that I should be at least impervious to bullets. I did manage to get in to see the physiotherapist at 4:30 for some treatment. This is not my idea of fun really. Just lots of pain during which he says "now that's much better isn't it". Two things stand out here. Firstly is the leading questions all the time which I was taught that medical professionals should never use. The second is the incredible pain I get put through. If I hurt my patients that much I'd never hear the end of it. At least dentists use local anaesthesia.

The leading questions are probably a good thing actually. You can just agree and he'll stop hurting you.

Apparently my current predicament is called Wry Neck. Ironic names abound in medicine 'cos I don't feel very wry, more fried actually.

So now I'm in bed with a heat pack on my neck and diazepam in my blood. I live such a rock and roll lifestyle.

Back Again

2010-10-14T20:15:00.005+08:00

So it's about time I started this thing up again, it'll give me an excuse to stop watching everything that HBO produces and give the TV a rest.

So wassup then I suppose. Well I've just booked a holiday for Christmas, and I mean really Christmas as I leave on the 24th December.

It'll be the first time in quite a while that I am not with my folks in the UK, or they have been over here in Oz, and that will be a bit odd. I think the last time was when I was in Broome in '96 when I met some lovely people at the compulsory hotel christmas lunch (which is a bit weird in itself really, a compulsory, christmassy, turkey dinner. Like a punishment for catholics who've slipped in their faith maybe). They were 'city' types who had dropped out of their lifestyle to travel around the world. The sort of people who gave up millions to live out of a suitcase. Of course it's much easier to do the dropping out if you have shedloads of cash in the bank before you set off but it was still interesting to see how they got sick of all the money and power. I was also away from the family a couple of years ago, but I had had a fake christmas before I came back to Oz so that doesn't really count.

This trip is to Vietnam and Cambodia and it should be pretty good, however it's the first time I've ever really done an organised trip. I hope to god it's not too much "be back for the bus at 2 pm, that gives you a full 20 minutes to explore Ho Chi Minh City". I purposely chose a company that gives you a few days in each place, none of that today's Tuesday so it must be Angkor Wat feeling. And hopefully not too much temple fatigue - an almost fatal disease in asia in my experience.

So far it's been a bit different to all the other places in Asia I've been, even in the organising. For example Vietnam requires you to have a visa, and not only that you have to get it before you arrive, and not only that you can only get it by posting your passport to their Embassy in Canberra so they can stick a label in it. Or of course, as their website says, you can just drop it off and pick it up three days later. This may indicate a slight misunderstanding of the size of Australia. Or they think we all live in Canberra, which is something even the Canberra residents wont admit to. I have to admit it is a bit nerve wracking sending my only proof of citizenship to a foreign embassy, especially one that is communist and proud of it. I wonder how many copies they made of it? It did come back pretty quickly though which is quite impressive. The Cambodian visa you can get online, they email you a label to staple (!) into your passport. I am not expecting this to go without a hitch as it looks so home made it's just laughable. The passport photo I sent them has got a bit squished in the process and I look like I weigh 150kgs. At least I should get some compliments from the border guards on my biggest looser participation.

So all the paperwork is sorted and I've got some money too. For the first time the exchange rate is working in my favour as the Australian peso finally has the power to buy a decent amount of US dollars. Not that I'm planning on spending too many as I am a wicked haggler when in a poor country. I love to wring the last cent out of the impoverished locals. This is not true obviously. When I get to a haggling country I come over all British and just pay what they ask. It's just all too much like hard work otherwise and it's still pretty cheap even if you pay the full price. I am fully aware that this is considered very bad form among the 'traveller' fraternity but to be honest I dont give a toss. At least when I travel I put some money into the local economy, unlike those smug bastards who take great pleasure in the fact that they have travelled all the way from London to Karachi on $4 a day and the smell of an empty Mars bar wrapper. I don't care, holidays are meant to be pleasurable not like being sent to the gulag. This is how all Backpacker Lodges are in my mind. Like One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich.

End on a literary reference, that's class that is.

Food

2010-01-25T20:50:00.003+08:00

Just realised that I haven't posted the London to Perth airline food. So, for Tim, here they are;

Chicken and beef satay:

Duck pate and Pork pate:

Pan fried chicken with butter sauce and celeriac and potato mash:

Apple something or other that I've forgotten the name of:

Omelette and huge, suspicious looking sausage;

There were some other bits as well but I was too tired or bored to take pics.

Vegemite Sandwich

2010-01-25T19:33:00.003+08:00

You can always tell when you are back in Oz, even with the jet lag, as there's bound to be an advert for Vegemite on the tv. Or a trailer for a miracle cure/shonky tradesman/neighbours at war episode of Today Tonight. And so it was yesterday when I got back. The final flight was pretty uneventful as I slept the whole way from Singapore to Perth, which is a first, but meant that I missed my last delightful airline meal. Actually that's no loss. Even up the front of the 'plane the food is still pretty average, although allegedly cooked up by Gordon Ramsey.

The relief of finally arriving back in Perth after a two day journey was tempered somewhat by the joys of Perth "International" Airport. Firstly there is the queue for immigration control. But I'll give you a tip, if you go through the automatic facial recognition gate, but don't take off your specs, it doesn't work and you get to jump to the front of the regular queue! I knew there must be a use for the passports with RFID chips in them, apart from tracking my every move. After immigration it all went very downhill. Even though I got my bag in about 10 minutes the queue for Quarantine and Customs was beyond a joke. It wove back and forwards for about 100 metres moving very, very slowly. It is a complete farce. The signs everywhere from the Government tell me that "QUARANTINE IS IMPORTANT", but not important enough to pay for more than two scanners and three staff to man them apparently. If this is what people have to tolerate when they first get to Australia then it is a very poor first impression. It took me 40 minutes to get out of the arrival hall after getting my bag and I didn't even have to open my bags or get them scanned. Which is another tiny flaw with quarantine in my opinion, even though I declared the wooden replica of London in my luggage nobody wanted to look at it. Surely a system to stop items entering the country only works if it checks everyone in the same way. Not that would be a good idea in Perth, I'd probably still be there in the queue.

It was nice to get back though. Walking out of the airport at 7 am into 26º heat and sunshine was a tonic after all the snow and ice at home. What wasn't quite so good is the jet lag. I tried to stay up as long as possible yesterday, went for lunch by the beach, but at 3 pm I was totally exhausted and had to crash. Just a couple of hours did the trick and I managed to stay awake till 11pm. I have however now got a stinking, snotty head cold. I hardly ever get colds, now I've had two in two months. It's a bugger to say the least. I have taken to blaming the climate change and being trapped in an aluminium flying tube for 18 hours.

Anyhow I'm back, settled in and restocked with food. That's my next task; to shift the 5 kgs I've put on over Christmas. Wish me luck.

TIme passes

2010-01-23T21:14:00.003+08:00

Sorry about the weird justification on that last post, they go like that when you blog by email for some reason.

So how do you kill 11 hours at Changi Airport? Not very easily is the answer. I arrived here at about 2.30 and felt pretty good after a few hours sleep on the plane. In fact I was only woken up by the hideous turbulence over Afghanistan which went on for about an hour. Really bumpy and not very nice at all. Anyhow I landed in one piece in Singapore with all this time to kill. So a shower. That took 20 minutes. Now what, OK, a cup of tea in the lounge. Right, so that's another 20 minutes. Well I suppose I can go into the city.

This is a pretty weird experience, after putting your hand luggage into storage you enter a country with just a passport and boarding pass. It would be great to be able to travel like that all the time, with just the clothes you are wearing. Of course you'd need to be loaded so you could buy a complete new wardrobe in every destination but it's really travelling light. Anyway I went into Singapore, sort of forgetting it's Saturday now. I have never seen so many people here before, it was absolutely packed. I think it's because Chinese new year is coming up and everyone is shopping madly for that.

Suffice to say after about four hours I'd had enough and now find myself back at the airport with a final four hours to get through. Looks like I'll finally have time to see the Terminal 3 Butterly Enclosure and sample everyone of the duty free shops.

Fendi handbag and $600 scotch anyone?

Americans

2010-01-23T16:15:00.001+08:00

Why are all Americans at airports so loud? I'm sitting here with three

different groups of Americans arond me and I can hear every word they

put forth on every subject. Loud pontification on everything. They're

not like this when they are home. I've been to the USA many times and

try are nothing but polite and deferential people. It's odd how people

change when they leave their own country. Take the Germans. In Germany

they are polite and well mannered but get them over the border to

holland and they get all loud and demanding. And as for my

compatriots. In the uk they are polite, queue properly and tend not to

walk round the streets in a state if sunburned undress. Get them to

Spain though and it all changes.

I wonder how I change on holiday?

Last Days

2010-01-21T23:27:00.001+08:00

Well I'm all packed and checked in, just got to go up to Heathrow in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes from there.

Travel in style

2010-01-20T20:16:00.002+08:00

I can recommend the first class carriages on the Great Western railway, very comfy, very quiet and free snacks and drinks. It does cost a bit more, in fact if you book it far enough ahead it costs a huge £6 more. Which when you think how much a cup of tea on the train normally costs having a couple included really covers the cost of the ticket. The train was also ahead of time at every station. I've never heard anything like it, well except in Germany maybe.

Paddington station is a much more pleasant place out side of the rush hour I can tell you. At least you can move about and there is no rush for the train when the platform is announced. This is a very odd and slightly un-British event. Normally people over here are only happy in a queue, but at the station you don't know where to queue as they don't let you know which platform your train is at until about five minutes before departure. This means there is a huge knot of people around the departure board who all suddenly make a rush to the train and form a scrum to get on. Quite a sight I can tell you.

They have moved the statue of Paddington for some reason. He used to sit opposite platform 4 in the middle of everything. Now he's stuck under the stairs by Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Bit of a comedown for the bear that the station is named after. Possibly.

I have also found out that it is a lot easier for me to come back to the UK and work than I thought, in fact the GDC were remarkably helpful for the first time ever. I just have to fill in a 20 page form and give them £460! Still at least I know that my options to return here are still open.

Mind you the weather is making me realise how lucky I am in Oz. This morning we've had fog, rain, sun and snow. And it's only 12.30. I'll be glad to get back to the sun, even though it's 40º over there.

So just a couple of days left then back to Oz. What to do with that time? More chocolate and beer then I suppose.

Owww, me plates!

2010-01-19T04:31:00.002+08:00

OK, I think I have destroyed my feet. I've got back in from a walk and I can hardly feel my toes. That can't be a good sign can it? Actually my shoes are a bit destroyed too, all the salt that they have absorbed over the last few weeks in the snow has started to come out and leave white marks on the suede. Bit of a bugger really.

I have noticed a weird thing about the British. Well, many, but one this weekend and that's the British habit of putting up statues of our enemies in the Capital. There's one of George Washington outside the National Gallery for example. Didn't he beat us in a war? Isn't he responsible for the British loosing the American Colonies? Isn't it a bit odd to have a statue of him in the Capital city of the nation he beat? Is there a statue of Winston Churchill in Berlin? Actually there might be but my poor knowledge of history narrows down the examples I can dredge up, but you get my point.

I had fun trying to get round this weekend as half the Tube was shut, including the Circle line and Hammersmith and City, which both run through Moorgate, the nearest station to the hotel. I do sort of know where to go in London on public transport, but as soon as a line is shut it sort of makes things difficult. It also means I have walked a hell of a lot further than I normally would have, but this seems to have made little difference to my excess Christmas flab.

I did the standard tourist thing and went to see a show on Saturday night. As you may know I am not a huge fan of musical theatre, even less so of musical theatre based on movies so the choice could be a bit limited. But since Andrew Lloyd Webbers back catalogue has finally left the stage there are a few plays available without unnecessary singing. I went to see one called The Little Dog Laughed with Tamsin Grieg which was very, very funny. The actors were doing american accents which was a bit odd to start but for once I managed to suspend my disbelief and only spent a short amount of the play trying to work out the lighting rig and set construction. It does slightly destroy the moment when the Tube trains go by but that's pretty normal in central London theatres. There seems to be an unwritten law that the longer a play/musical runs in the West End the more tragic the casting becomes. For example at the moment Hairspray has Belinda Carlisle in it. She's still a bit cool I feel. Later on next month it gets Mickey Dolenz. He is definitely not cool in any way. Metal Mickey excepted maybe. This is why shows should not have long runs. Mind you it does give work to all the old TV personalities outside the panto season I suppose.

I spent a bit of time in the British Museum as well yesterday. It's a great place, but just too huge really to get to grips with. It also seems to have stuff from every country except Britain. I thought I'd be able to get a nice, tasteful souvenir to take back to Oz, representative of my birthplace. Sadly the shop only had replicas of Egyptian gods, Mesopotamian treasures and knicked Greek marbles. Or actually not knicked according to the Trustees of the British Museum and I think they may have a point. In any case it's good to keep them just to annoy another of our European partners.

The Germans should love the British Museum however as the German guide book has the word "Führer" emblazoned on the front in 50 point text. Maybe this was not the best lexicographical choice in hindsight.

See London See The World

2010-01-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

Or at least see lots of tourists. So I am finally in the Big Smoke, my favourite place in the world. I don't think there is anywhere else I've been that has so much history and so much going on in such a small space.

The train journey up was uneventful in the end, quick even, although I'm not sure who thought the pale purple and institutional-blue colour scheme on the trains was a good idea. I am staying at a Travelodge on City Road in the City because it is very cheap, £40 a night for central London is very cheap, but it does have a touch of the prison cell about it. Right down to the lack of hot water during the day and the rationing of towels. Obviously you are only allowed one towel and it is ok to let the shower run for 20 minutes before it heats up here. It is also the first place I have ever stayed that doesn't have those little bottles of shampoo and shower gel in the bathroom. It's also the first time I've ever forgotten to bring shower gel with me! Thank god for 24 hour mini-Tesco supermarkets.

I am just down the road from the Barbican, one of my favourite places in London. Most people hate it's concrete brutalism but it's a place I have always wanted to live, and at the moment I actually could, the prices are actually in my range. Well not for one of the three bedroom flats in the Cromwell Tower, they are still £900,000, but the one bed places are relatively cheap. In fact the prices here seem pretty bearable all round. I don't think I've been to London and not blanched at the price of food and drink for a long time. It seems a total global financial disaster has at least made my trip a bit cheaper. I'm sure it will change back to normal after all the bankers get their bonuses. You know, for doing such a good job over the last 12 months. It's no coincidence that Merchant Banker is Cockney rhyming slang.

The only thing that has got a bit pricey is the admission fees for the special exhibitions at the galleries and museums. They all seem to be £11 which starts to add up if you want to see a few. However as the rest of the museums and galleries are all free it sort of evens itself out. I've tried to go to a few places that are less well known this time, mainly to avoid the crowds everywhere else. I can recommend the John Soanes Museum in Lincoln's Inn Fields, which is full of the stuff collected by the eponymous architect. It's amazingly crammed with stuff and also is a rare chance to go into a completely un-touched Georgian town house. He must have been loaded, which just shows that there has always been money in architecture. The other place was a trip to the Royal Institute of British Architects (no, no theme, just a coincidence) which was actually a bit dull but was opposite the Chinese Embassy. Along with the traditional, yet eerily well behaved, Falun-gong demonstration outside I can report that Chinese diplomats drive 10 year old Renaults and have really terrible taste in net curtains.

Just off again now to visit the lovely GDC to see if I'll ever be able to work here again. Wish me luck.

High Flyers

2010-01-15T20:18:00.001+08:00

The paper shop at the Station sells the International Herald Tribune.

Must be for all those high powered executives waiting for the 12:15 to

Maesteg...

Trains

2010-01-15T19:53:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting waiting for the train at Gloucester station. My gods it's
depressing. Like a white trash and wino convention. Why do these
people use the trains? I means it's not that cheap to travel and where
are they going? Do they all have important business to attend to in
London? A conference to discuss a new formula of Tennants Super perhaps.

It's no wonder that people prefer their cars if train travel is as
depressing as this. I suppose I could sit in the pumpkin cafe and have
a five quid cup of tea but it's even worse in there.

I think the romance of travel is truely dead.

Escape

2010-01-13T04:21:00.002+08:00

Well what do you do when you can't get out of your house for four days. Well one thing is to go up the pub with the neighbours. They were almost killing each other from cabin fever from being stuck in the house for so long. It was a pretty slippy trip up the village to the Nag's Head but the fire was going and the beer was still in stock when we got there. One thing that amazed me was how some people were still driving in the snow and ice. Just 'cos you are in a four wheel drive doesn't mean that you won't skid into me and kill me on the pavement. People are morons I suppose.

I finally managed to get out on the 8th thanks to the lovely crew from the Forest of Dean District Council who turned up with a truck full of salt and grit. I think they were only meant to fill up the salt bins but me and two of the neighbours sort of descended on them and sort of forced them into spreading some grit down the lane. I'm sure they got into trouble but I did make them a cup of tea with some choccie biccies. Always feed/water the help, you'll get much better service I'm telling you. I was pretty knackered after going up and down the lane about 20 times with shovels full of grit but it was worth it just to be able to leave the house. The rest of the village did seem a bit pissed off though, as we were cleared and yet the main road through the place was not. Oh well, the privilege of living here for so long I guess.

I was glad we did get the road cleared as I was going up to Warrington near Manchester to meet up with some very old friends and it was looking as though it wouldn't happen right up to the night before. I even left the car at the bottom of the lane in case it snowed again. As it turned out it was fine on Sunday morning when I set off. Not even ice on the windscreen. In fact the drive up the motorway was lovely, there was no snow and there was absolutely no traffic on the road. The only way to travel in my opinion.

It was great to catch up with everyone, we had a nice carvery lunch (which is a very British thing I think) and then sepnt the night at a hotel by the motorway (another very British thing too). The hotel was brand new, big and must have had about six people in it because of the weather. The staff must have been bored out of their minds. The whole day was lovely but reinforced the fact that I never want my own kids. I mean my friends kids are great, but I just couldn't cope with them 24/7. Especially when they are over-tired, over-excited and over-fizzy drinked.

I actually thought I'd be stuck up in Warrington as the weather forecast kept predicting 20cm of snow on Sunday night. They were only out by 20cm as there was absolutely none when I woke up in the morning. In fact there was very little snow left until I got back to Birmingham then it really started to come down again. We are forecast 10 cm of snow overnight so again I have visions of digging the car out tomorrow. In fact I've left it down the road just in case.

If the weather is OK I think I'll head off to Bristol tomorrow as I am going a bit stir crazy here, then it's off to London at the weekend for a few days. I'll just be glad when the weather clears and I know that I can go out and not get stuck on the way back.

See what I mean?

2010-01-07T21:48:00.003+08:00

Snow+Cold=Ice

2010-01-07T21:36:00.002+08:00

So I should be in London now, checking into the hotel and preparing to go to the BBC for a show recording. Instead I am stuck in the house again as I can't get my car down the lane due to all the snow and ice. It was -10ºC last night and is still -5ºC now at 2 in the afternoon.

I'm pretty pissed off with the neighbours actually. The local Council thoughtfully provides two bins full of road salt at the top and bottom of the lane and these are meant to be used to grit the road so we can all get out. Unfortunately the morons round here, mostly new arrivals from big towns and cities, seem to think this salt is for their driveways. So now we have two inches of solid ice on the road and no salt left. I managed to eek out the last few shovels-full but only got 2/3 of the way to the main road. I did ring the Council and the nice lady there has put us on the list for refilling but I can't see that happening for a few days at least, so in the mean time I am stuck in the house counting the cost of empty hotel rooms.

What is more frustrating is the fact that the main roads at either end of the village are completely clear and the traffic on the motorway to London is almost non-existent so it would have been a lovely trip through the sunny, snowy countryside. All thwarted by 400m of frozen road.

Bloody weather.

Let it snow...

2010-01-06T17:11:00.003+08:00

Blimey, I've woken to 15 cm of snow this morning, with another 15 cm forecast for later. I think we'll be stuck. That's the peril of living at the bottom of a steep valley, even though the main roads are clear, the roads onto the main ones aren't.

I'm guessing we won't be going to London tomorrow. Why did I go and book non-refundable rooms!

Wassup?

2010-01-05T20:27:00.003+08:00

My god, I am woefully bad at doing this this trip aren't I? That may be 'cos not much has happened really. It's just Christmas at home with the folks.

In fact it was just me and the folks as all the other people we were expecting sort of cancelled at the last minute leading to a very weird Christmas lunch. I can't think of a time when it was just the three of us. Even when we have been in Australia there are always one or two waifs and strays at the table. Mum was a bit depressed about the whole thing, considering in the old days we used to have dozens of people to drinks in the morning and then for dinner. But I suppose that's what happens when we all get older, people die and other people have their own kids they want to spend the day with. Or they get sick which is really the reason for this years cancellations.

I had a nice load of pressies this year, mostly dvds and a few books. However some people seem intent on buying me food gifts and things made of wood. Neither of which are very easy to get through quarantine in Perth. I think they forget that I have to carry it all back to the other side of the world. That sounds really ungrateful I know but I'd sooner just have their best wishes than a gift I need to leave behind. Or eat before I leave, which I really don't need to do. I am so fat now. The gym membership kicks in on the 25th January.

I've not done quite so much mad travelling round so far this visit, which is good. I've caught up with a few friends and will be meeting some more in Manchester, which is equally inconvenient for all of us. I did go to High Wycombe for NYE with my friends. A bit weird as they were all in fancy dress even though it was just 6 of us in their house. I guess that's what happens when you have kids, the mind starts to go. I did get a visit from Tim and Alison who are over from Kalgoorlie which was nice. They'd just spent time at St Davids in West Wales. Britain's smallest city however significant that may be.

I think Ali was still excited by the snow and ice but for the rest of us it's getting a bit much now. It always seems to snow just before you are meant to do something really important. For example on the 23rd we got about 3 inches of snow in the evening, making travel really dodgy. The problem was we still needed to go and get the turkey. Luckily by the next day the roads were just about passable so the poor thing did not die in vain. It's snowing again now and we are forecast 5 inches by Thursday. Just when I am meant to be taking the folks to London to see a recording of the News Quiz on Radio 4. This, in case you don't know, is a bit of an institution and is usually hilarious, hosted by Sandi Toksvig and a few other varying comedians. This is the 70th series which makes all those long running american comedy shows seem a bit sad really, yes I mean you Friends and Frasier. The best bit is that the tickets are free, good old BBC. However even though you enter a lottery to get them they still don't guarantee seats, you have to get there early to make sure you can get in. Should be a laugh as long as I can get in. I seem to have come down with a stinking cold with a very loud coughing component. Not really what you want in a recording of a radio show. So download it from iTunes and see if you can hear me being ejected.

I went out for dinner the other nigh to the local pub in the middle of nowhere, the Road Maker Inn in Gorsely. That sounds pretty boring but this pub has a special feature as hinted at by the signed photo of Joanna Lumley over the bar. It's actually owned by four ex-Ghurka Rifles soldiers and serves amazingly good Nepalese and Indian food. I'd speculate that it is also the safest place to drink in the entire country as no one in their right mind is going to cause trouble when there are Ghurkas in charge.

I can't really think of anything else that's happened in my current Lemsip addled state. Oh and cough syrup. And decongestant. And sore throat lozenges. Problem is none of this stuff does any good, I still feel like death warmed up. Hopefully I'll be better soon and I'll do some stuff I can actually blog about.

Shopping Frenzy

2009-12-23T03:38:00.003+08:00

A busy day today. Went to Brizzle to do the christmas shopping. That's Bristol to the rest of you.

I never thought I'd say it but It's a really nice place to go now. Lovely shops, cool market stalls and plenty of places to eat. It's changed a bit since I was a kid when it was pretty grim. I guess that's what you call gentrification, but Bristol seems to have done it with out the gay boys and girls being involved.

The new centrepiece of the city centre is a place called Cabot Centre which is a massive new shopping mall. The difference between this one and the ones in Oz is that Cabot is mostly outside so you don't feel like you are in a completely fake environment. There's loads of cool shops too as well as the usual high street suspects. When we got there it was really quiet and I thought it was going to be great but by 11 am it was absolutely heaving with people. However not as bad as it should be only 3 days before Christmas. I think the GFC has really had a huge influence here. There may be lots of people in town but there are no queues at the checkouts in the shops. My theory for this is that we are all completely brainwashed into shopping as a leisure activity and still go to the shops even if we've got no money to spend. It's a bit weird but there you go. So even though I was ready to kill everyone when walking in the street, when I went in the shops it was relatively quiet.

The christmas decorations in the city were pretty cool too:

GIANT REINDEER! How cool is that, they were pretty substantial steel things too so I'd be interested if they get their moneys worth and use then again next year.

I did actually get all my xmas shopping done too. In one day! I think I deserve an award for that. I saw loads of really nice stuff I want to buy for myself too, but I'll go back down in after Xmas when it's all cheaper in the sales.

So a successful day and worth the drive down the motorway in snow, ice and fog so thick I couldn't see the car in front. Three things amaze me about driving here. One is how fast everyone drives, the speed limit of 70 mph seems to be purely a suggestion and the cops don't seem to stop anyone unless they are driving like complete idiots. The second is how polite and considerate all the other drivers are. They let you pull out, change lanes to let you overtake slow moving trucks and generally seem much more aware of what is going on around them. It'll be a shock to go back to Perth drivers. The third thing is how unbelievably dirty your car gets. I've had the hire car for two days and you can barely tell that it's a Corsa what with all the salt, dirt and grime on it. But seeing as it's a hire car I never have to worry about the dirt on it.

I'm off now to watch a BBC4 Documentary about Oliver Postgate. The man was a god. Well to a certain generation of British people at least. If you don't know who he was then you need a kicking (or are foreign in some way) but he was responsible for The Clangers, Bag Puss, Ivor the Engine and Noggin the Nog to name a few. A true god of my childhood.

I'll let you know what it's like.

Deep and Crisp

2009-12-21T16:22:00.003+08:00

Ahh, jet-lag. Been awake since 4am and I'll tell you now there is not much to watch on the TV at that time of the day. Even with Sky and it's 500 channels it still just shows pretty much ads and reality television shows. It has given me chance to catch up on the ads and realise that it is so much cheaper here than Oz at the moment. Every shop is offering at least 50% off stuff in the run up to Christmas. Just bonkers.

So I got back at 3 yesterday after a fairly uneventful flight from Singapore, apart from the fact that it was 14 hours instead of 12 because of the winter jet stream. And that is a long time in a plane, even in the front end. And especially when you get on and there is a three month old baby sitting in the seats across the aisle. I had visions of 14 hours of screaming but he was absolutely beautiful, not one grizzle the entire way. He did however affect the service on the flight as all the cabin crew were totally smitten with him and were fighting to take him off his parents hands while they ate. It seems to be a Singapore Airlines thing that they love babies. That might be something to consider for all my friends who are currently squeezing/squeezed out sprogs.

The food was pretty good and will be shown for your delectation (except the stuff I forgot to get pics of due to time zone and sleep deprivation caused confusion):

Granola

Huge suspicious sausage (I think they should have put the tomato the other way up to lessen the suspiciousness)

Wagyu beef

Créme brulée

Not bad all in all but it's still just really airline food, but with better cutlery. Even metal knives now for some reason. Obviously we no longer need to be afraid of international terrorists wielding butter knives on planes.

Got back to Heathrow and was pleasantly surprised to see that T3 has had a face lift, no longer are the lights hanging from the ceiling. You got to be careful which immigration queue you choose though. Just cause it says British citizens it doesn't mean they will be able to read the signs or speak enough English to communicate with the Immigration Officer. At least I got through quicker than all the poor "Other Nationalities" queue. That was a nightmare. If you ever travel through UK airports with a non-EU citizen make sure you got a book to read while they stand in their queue.

I managed to stay conscious till about 9pm then had to crash but I slept pretty well and woke up to this outside the window:

It's not deep, but it is crisp and even. Actually it's incredibly slippery. I'd sort of forgotten that ice is so treacherous. Looks like I'm going to have to relearn about driving in the snow pretty quick when I get the hire car today.

Better buy the extra insurance.

Arrival

2009-12-21T03:24:00.000+08:00

I'm here. I'm knackered. I'm dehydrated. I'm cold.

More tomorrow.

Half way Henry

2009-12-20T08:21:00.002+08:00

First leg done, a mere 5 hours. Now for the fun bit - 14 hours on a plane. Good job there's lots to watch on the entertainment system thingy. I think I'll start with Public Enemies, then maybe UP then the original Time Machine. That's at least 5 hours out the way.

Sitting in Changi now (the airport not the prison) listening to the appalling sub-Kenny G sax heavy Christmas music. There's no need.

Right, off for some more security screening and a very long sit down.

Told you I'd be bored

2009-12-19T23:32:00.003+08:00

That didn't take long did it. Already bored at an airport. And what an airport to be bored at.

Perth International... the correct superlative escapes me. Most lame perhaps? Most like an international airport you'd expect to find in a little hick town in the middle of nowhere? I think that's the one.

Sorry I should be kinder but it's just a bit sad when you get to the airport and the check in desks aren't yet open, half the shops are shut and the duty free section seems to sell mostly canned abalone and Australian flag coated neck pillows.

I can however say that all the staff I've been in contact with this evening have been really lovely. Polite, friendly and helpful. Amazing. I can't say the same about the check-in chick at the next counter though, she was spitting venom at some poor Japanese business man.

I always wonder why there are passport and immigration checks when you are leaving a country. What are they for? Surely if you're leaving it's not really a problem for the country you're leaving? Do they stop illegal immigrants at the border and say "sorry but you have to stay now until we decide to deport you"? It's all a bit weird. I suppose if you're on the lookout for a Great Train Robber then you can nab 'em at the border but surely it would be easier to let them leave and have another country deal with the problem when they try to enter? Just a suggestion. It'd save a fortune on border agents and retractable queuing guides.

So I'm now in the fancy-schmantzy lounge waiting for the flight. Actually as this is Perth, not that fancy or schmantzy. If there was a contest for most impossibly uncomfortable chairs then this place is in with a chance. I think they are left over from some CIA experiment in torture. See what I mean?

I have also had the most disgusting cup of machine made coffee of my entire life. And I remember MaxPak. It was sort of thick and gritty. Like it was made with powdered milk that they forgot to mix with enough water. Very strange. Still mustn't grumble at least there's no Christmas music playing in here.

I'll just sit here for the next two hours watching Sky News with the sound three seconds out of sync with the pictures.

Tune in for an update from Singapore. With airline food pictures just for Tim.

Off We Go Again

2009-12-19T12:44:00.002+08:00

So I'm packed and ready to go. Back to the old country for Christmas. Almost certainly a white one too at this rate, just hoping that I don't get stuck at Heathrow in the snow.

Anyway this is just to say the blog will reactivate now I'm off and got things to talk about.

Check back later, when I'm bored at an airport.

Didn't we have a lovely time...

2009-11-09T20:20:00.002+08:00

I would advise that if you need to go to Sydney for the weekend you should try and avoid the red-eye flight from Perth. It's hell. You get on at midnight WA time and get off at 7 am Sydney time after a four hour flight. If you could sleep it would probably be OK, but on Virgin Blue the seats recline by about two inches and you are packed in like sardines. And you can't even get a pillow. Not even if you pay. Suffice to say it was hideous.

Why was I going to Sydney anyway? Well it was my friend Doug's birthday (one with a zero) and we thought it would be a good idea. In fact we didn't really think about it at all. We got an email from Charms seeing if we wanted to go and just sort of said yes. It was only when we were at the airport at midnight that we realised it was a pretty daft idea. Work all day Friday, fly overnight, party and catch up all day Saturday and then fly back Sunday.

However it was worth every moment of discomfort. The party was great. Charms had arranged a whole Scottish thing as Doug thinks he's Scottish. Well he sort of is, in that very English way of wanting to wear a kilt when one of your parents is partially from the end of the high road. She was stressing out but it all went off beautifully. All the neighbours brought stuff and there were even a couple of Australians there. I think they live in one of those little Britain suburbs like we have here in Perth so Aussies are a rarity.

The evening was slightly marred when a haggis was brought out, but people recovered pretty quickly and it all went off with a bang. however I'm afraid I can't report on the wildness after 11 pm as I was dead to the world. My brain just sort of stopped functioning. All I can say is that there were hangovers in evidence on Sunday morning. All in all it was a great night and brilliant to see my friends again and to see the kids getting bigger and bigger. Pity they are so far away really.

Anyhow on Sunday I went into Sydney and again realised how lame Perth can actually be. There are shops and cafes and people and best of all an American apparel with 20% off everything. I've always been a bit anti-Sydney but after this weekend it's started to grow on me a bit. I don't know what's changed but there you go.

Apart from this not much has been happening. The film is pretty much done, the fine-cut looks really good and now just need the music which we have some local musicians writing. I've got to organise all the thank you presents and a final wrap party for all the people who've helped. I just hope to god that the Town of Vincent who gave us the money are happy. What amazes me is that Adam even has special effects in it. What used to take George Lucas weeks on end and millions of dollars can now be done on an ancient eMac in your bedroom!

So that's it. I still have things to post about Taiwan but it's probably a bit late by now. Never mind. I'll see what mood I'm in tomorrow.

Taiwan Photos

2009-10-11T18:21:00.002+08:00

Just uploaded my holiday pictures over

here at flickr

Take a look if you want. I've got a final blog about the trip to do but I'm just too lazy at the moment.

Plane Plane Go Away

2009-10-07T08:22:00.006+08:00

Well yesterday was a surreal kind of day. I left Taipei at about 2pm in the pouring rain with winds howling and storms all around. It may have been a very bad idea to watch Cast Away the night before. Although I did get some great survival tips from Tom Hanks. I actually had a really bad feeling about the flight yesterday, just a sense of unease not helped by the dozens of life insurace company agents at Taipei airport. In the end it was OK, just a bit bumpy, and we did have to go the long way round to avoid the storms.

Aiports are very weird places I've realised. I mean why are they all full of such highend shops? Do people really buy Prada and Gucci on a two hour stop over? Actually no they don't as all of the shops at TPE were completely empty, the only queues were for Burger King. Another thing about these luxury brands is how they are all going off product. The weirdest being Mont Blanc (a pen manufacturer) making hand bags, I mean really? Then there is Dunhill. they used to make fags and lighters, now they make suits. What is going on here? Affluenza I think it's called. Actually that is much in evidence in the booze shops too. For example who pays AU$ 250 for Johnny Walker Blue Whisky? To me JW will always be the cheapo stuff dad used to get for christmas from people at work.

The rest of yesterday was surreal as I spent the night at the Crowne Plaza Hotel at Changi Airport. Beautiful but a weird experience to be on holiday in a deserted airport, especially one with Michael Jackson performing in the departure hall. Also odd to see 747s taxing outside the bathroom window. The food was great though with a buffet with all these little desserts to have. Needless to say the diet starts when I get back. I also wonder why an airport hotel would have the National Geographic channel on it's cable as every time I turn it on it's showing Air Crash Investigation. Why do I watch these things?

So now i am waiting for the last flight to Perth and watching all the Indian travellers tying up bags and boxes with string.

I hope they realise it's one piece of hand luggage only.

St Swithen Lives

2009-10-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

Well I made it back to Taipei ahead of the typhoon. Actually that's not true the typhoon just decided to head south after dumping about 35cms of rain on me while sight seeing this morning. My shoes were soaked and I was in danger of getting trench foot. Nowthe other typhoon is now causing torrential rain in the north of the island. What's more exciting is that I need to fly somewhere between both of them tomorrow afternoon. i am expecting a very bumpy flight and I forgot to bring my drugs.

Pity you can't travel on the train back to Australia. the trip bck from Khaosiung today was fantastic. I managed to change my ticket from the normal express to the high speed train. It's actually a shinkansen bullet train from Japan and boy is it quick. About 350 km/h according to my calculations. The 400 odd kms from the south to north took just under 90 minutes, including all the stops at stations on the way. Bloody amazing. The trip that took me three hours on saturday took 26 minutes today! Every country should have one, imagine Kalgoorlie to Perth in 2 hours with no bloody airport to deal with.

There is a lot of Japanese influence here actually, as it was a colony of their's until 1945. so that means lots of japanese food, japanese department stores, japanese cars and lots of japanese style tv shows. That last one is not such a good thing though believe me. I can normally identify what sort of show I am watching even in a foreign country but here it's impossible. It could be a chat show, a talent show or the antiques roadshow for all you can tell from the chaos in the studio.

The Taiwanese have also got a soft spot for those totally bizzare japanese boy bands, the ones that give new meaning to "non-threatening boys". Actually their taste in music is pretty atrocious, every taxi has been playing either boyz2men, kenny G or celine dion. and worse is they all have tvs in the dash so you have to watch the horse faced canadian as well as listen to her. I suggest you bring ear-plugs.

So last night in Taiwan and I am off to find some food. to be honest I am in the mood for a burger as there is nly so much stinky tofu I can cope with. I'll try and update tomorrow from singapore otherwise see you all back in Perth (All? like there is more than just one person reading this!)

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

2009-10-04T19:14:00.005+08:00

OK so I'm back on line, thanks to the Kaohsiung Hotel Garden City. OK firstloy apologies for the spelling, I am typing on a Chinese keyboard. What's been happening so far then. I'll take it thing by thing I reckon as I've been all over the place.

Taipei:

One of the major sites in Taiwan is the National Palace Museum, and it's huge. it's where all the best bits from the emporer's collection ended up when the Nationalists fled the mainland in 1949. Actually it's a bit more complicated than that as the whole collection has been moved round China and Taiwan to save it from the Japanese and then save it from the Communists. It's didn't get this permanent home until the 80's (which makes sense when you think that CKS and all thought Taiwan was just a temporary stop on the way back to power).

It's a massive collection, full of Ming and Tang porcelain, bronze age bronzes, neolithic tools (which I have to note are much more advanced than European ones of the same antiquity) paintings, illuminated manuscripts and a surprizing amount of precious stones carved into the shape of vegetables. Chinese cabbage from jade being one of the places most famous and valuable pieces. Why the chinese emporers were so obsessed with food is beyond me but the carvings are spectacularly realistic. To be honest unless you love porcelain and chinese art it's a bit dull, but impressive all the same, and apparently really pisses off the goverment in Beijing as they got lesft with all the crappy stuff for their museum, and then managed to destroy quite a bit of it during the cultural revolution. I did come to a couple of revelations while I was there though. firstly it seems that religion has at least one use and that is providing the incentive to create beautiful art and literature. The other is that all this porcelain is in a way responsible for the rise of European Empires, as all the Dutch and English really wanted a nice teapot and it was easier to come here an nick a bit of the country to make them than work out how to do it at home.

The Museum was also full of huge tour groups from Japan and the PRC which was a bit of a nightmare, even though the museum guards had little signs to hold up saying "Silence" and "No
Photo" they were fighting a loosing battle. I eventually retired to the tea house and had a pot of oolong tea in the tiniest cup I've ever seen, I thought it was the place to put the tea leave till I saw the bloke next to me drinking out of it.

One last thing I learned ad that is the colour of the original Ming dynasty porcelain is EXACTLY the same shade of green as government issue tea cups in the UK.

The Tour:

On Friday I started my tour from Taiwan to the South. It all started well with me and a couple from New Zealand (which is required by international law) and a girl from India all on the minibus. I tehn discovered that it was just me doing 4 days and the rest only 2, I'd be sent on ahead by train, more of which later.

Tours and tourism here are obviously still in thier infancy and they try to cram in so much in a short space of time. For example our first stop was Sun Moon Lake, which is a short 3 hour drive from Taipei. That was sarcasm as it took ages because of the traffic. Driving here is a complete nightmare. If I may expound one more sterotype: there are 15 million drivers here and they are all asian. However no matter how many scooters seem to speed in front of you I've yet to see an accident. I think everyone is driving too slow to collide.

The drive was interesting though I couldn't work out why there were so many power stations. It took me about an hour to realise they are all factories! I dont think I've ever seen one before. Or at least not since the eighties. Weird that they still make stuff here. There are also loads of elevated freeways, roads, rail lines and lots of tunnels. Which I would have thought was not ideal in a place famous for it's typhoons and earthquakes. It does make it look a bit Logan's Run though which is pretty cool.

We finally got to the lake and it was buzzing with people. Apparently it's a must see on the tourist trail here. To be honest it's quite pretty but nothing to worry Switzerland or Norway. There were also loads of people because it was the Full Moon Festival and they were setting up a music stage witrh the biggest speakers I've ever seen. Hear it on the moon I would imagine. Everyone eats moon cakes too which i can reprt are like giang fig biscuits.

There are loads of temples to look at around the lake and by the end of the day my fellow travellers and I were suffering a bit of Temple fatigue. Ther was an interesting Pagoda built here though by Mr Chiang Kai Shek himself in memory of his mother. Well actually he built it with tax payers money and they weren't allowed to come here as it was a closed compound for him and his fellowe politicians but you get the idea. Now it's a democracy so that's ok. There are also loads of indeginous Taiwanese here, and they were singing and dancing down by the lake. It never ceases to amaze me that the Maori, Native Americans and noe Native Taiwanes all have the same sort of dances, similar traditional music and these guys even had moko on thier faces. All I can say is it's a bloody long way from Taiwan to NZ in a canoe so they must have been amazingly good sailors. I'm not making that up by the way, they really do have common ancestery with the Pacific peoples.

So eventually i get pu on the train and it's a bit of a nightmare, 4 hours and no leg room and I think I could have walked faster. Also the air con was busted. If you ever come to Taiwan, which you should, pay more and catch the high spped train, which I what I intend to do to get back from Kaohsiung. It takes 90 minutes instead of 5 hours! I am still in Kaohsiung in the south and it's verry interesing. But my god it's hot and humid. About 99% at the moment and 33 degrees C. This part of the trip has been slightly influenced by the fact that is not one, but two typhoons off the coast at the moment and today you could tell as it piddled down the entire day. So much so that most of my sight seeing was done from the back seat of the car. There is a significant chace I'll get stuck here for a day or two, and the locals are noticabley on edge as it's only 6 weeks a go that the last cyclone washed havf the county away. In fact you could see th damage today with huge sections of the freeway washed away on the way back to town and sand bags still in place. Obviously the government is taking no chances this time with police and army units everywhere.

I've made this post sound like a bit of a whinge but I'm really enjoying it here, the people are lovely (and in the south noticable more gorgeous looking than in Taipei for some reason) the food is good and cheap the cities are interesting and it's quite nice to be somewhere where you are still welcomed as a visitor instead of seen as a quick buck.

OK i need to go as there is a queue for this computer. I'll update when I get back to Taipei or look out for me on the weather channel.

Big and Tall

2009-09-30T22:08:00.004+08:00

I went to the Chiang Kai Shek Memorial today. Blimey, they must have liked him. He was the General who with Dr Sun Yat Sen, founded the Republic, unified China and got rid of the last Emperor (thereby allowing an extravagant Hollywood movie). Now he was the president of ROC until the seventies and after he died Taiwan put up his memorial.

Now it's a cross between a temple and the sort of thing a megalomaniac would build for themselves ( think Mussolini if he'd not been found hanging around that lampost). It's a massive traditional chinese structure in the middle of a massive parade ground with a massive statue of the man himself smiling beatifically down on his flock. I think they were going for the Lincoln Memorial kind of thing but overshot somewhat. It's full of his old belongings and all his honours, mostly from South American dictators and the odd Order of the Bath from Blighty. There are also his bullet proof cadillacs (gifts from the grateful people of Taiwan. Although how grateful if they need to be bullet proof?) and some pictures and old artifacts. What is amusing to me is the vast amount of stuff about his great leadership up to about 1945, then a bit of a gap until about 1950. Can you guess what happened during that time? Something to do with a balding bloke called Mao I believe. All a bit hillarious really. It's as though the KuoMingtan always planned to decamp to Formosa in 1949. Which for all I know they might have.

There is also a permanent honour guard at the Memorial too and they have the most complicated changing of the guard I have ever seen. It's so amazingly well choreographed with goose stepping, step ball changes, gun twirling and box steps. I'll say this, if ever the PRC invades the ROC and asks for a dance off then the Taiwanese Army is in with a chance.

I also went to Taipei 101 today. This is/was the tallest building in the world, depending on when you read this. That's the trouble with the TBITW race, someone is always going to beat you and make your building merely very tall. At least this one still has the fastest lifts in the world: 60 kph, 90 floors in 26 seconds. I should mention this makes your ears pop like a champagne opening contest. The view from the top was spectacular but really I don't know why I get sucked into the tall building tourist thing. I've done it in Seattle, Vancouver, Paris, London and New York and really you just go up to see where you've been. This might be cool in Paris and NYC but in Taipei you just get to see the top of semiconductor plants.

There's also a shopping mall funnily enough. And another on across the road. And another next to that. All full of very high end shops. Really how many Chanels does one city need. Suffice to say all the shops were completely empty. You have to go to the electronics malls to see people buying stuff. Me included (8GB CF card for $28 Australian!).

Now for some more observations. There seems to be an inordinate amount of lesbians here. Unless, at the risk of perpetuating a stereotype, I can't tell pretty asian boys from pretty asian girls. I can bust one stereotype though. The Taiwanese are tall. Nearly everyone is as tall as me. People must still be evolving or they are eating a lot more Maccas and Starbucks.

That's enough as I'm in the lobby and trying to type this on a mac, running windoze, with some sort of prophylactic covering the keyboard.

It's a weird sensation on so many levels.

ROC

2009-09-29T20:02:00.003+08:00

So heres a few impressions after my first day in the Republic of China (No 'Peoples' please note):

It's very friendly: everyone so far has been lovely, even if I can't understand them and they can't understand me.

It's cheap:the beer in my hotel fridge is AU$2.80 each. That has to be a record for a minibar. And a 4GB compact flash card is AU$17. Mind you they are just made up the road.

They love scooters.

Pedestrian crossings are merely a suggestion, which combined with the 8 lane wide roads makes every trip somewhat of an adventure.

I have never seen so many roadside, mobile food stalls in my entire life.

A white face is still enough of a novelty that you get stared at by little kids on the subway.

I have never seen so much unidentifiable food on aforementioned stalls. Dining out here is for the very brave.

They really love scooters.

It's hot.

Even though I have been the only white person I've seen today, all the official signs on roads and stations are in English, which is very considerate.

It's the year 98 here. Not 2098 0r 1998. Just 98.

So far it's great.

Apple Fail

2009-09-28T21:21:00.002+08:00

I'm in Singapore and off to Taipei tomorrow. However my carefully laid plan of hotels with WiFi so I could tweet and blog has died on it's ass. My iPhone has chosen this moment to shit itself. It no longer recognises any wifi signals so I cant connect and international data roaming is too expensive to use.

So no blogs I'm afraid unless I can find more internet cafes like this, how quaint. Now looking forward to the inevitable battle with Apple for a new phone when I get back to Oz.

Maybe I should have bought that Nokia after all.

Perth Airport (again...)

2009-09-28T05:58:00.003+08:00

Well here I am again. At Perth "International" Airport at an ungodly
hour. Why do I book these early flights. Oh yeah because that's all
that's available. 0730 sounds untill you add on the two hour check-in
and queue extravaganza that PIA seems to love.

In fact it's a bit tragic here. I don't know where all the resources
income in WA has been spent but it's pretty obvious it's not on the
airport. This morning for example I got the very last parking space in
the long term carpark. At 5 am. What you are supposed to do if your
flight leaves at a sane time is beyond me. Oh that's right you park in
the short term which costs twice as much.

Oh well I'm off to kill two hours with an amazingly over priced
departure lounge breakfast.

Wedding

2009-09-27T21:19:00.001+08:00

Here's some photos of Lauren and Dave's wedding.

Fat Cat

2009-09-16T18:12:00.003+08:00

Just took the cat to the vet for a weight check. Wish I hadn't.

I got into trouble for having a fatso kitty. Apparently he's meant to weigh about 4.5 kg but actually weighs 6 kg. I didn't think he looked that fat but I'm obviously turning onto one of those people who loves their pets to death and can't see what I'm doing. So now it's off the kitten food and onto weight control food.

Which brings me to another fascinating new fact. It seems Loki isn't 10 months old but possibly 18 months old! This is a bit weird as when I got him in April I took him to the vet and was told that he was about 7 months old. By the vet. Now only 5 months later he is apparently 11 months older. According to the vet nurse. Who to believe? Dunno. But they did have another silver tabby kitten who is 10 months old at the vet and he was about half the size of Loki. So they really grow up fast nowadays.

I was obviously asked to adopt the other kitten there, and it would probably be a good idea to keep nut-case company. However I learned yet another thing. Apparently silver tabby cats are not like normal cats. Ok I've worked that bit out before but according to the vet chick they are very different to other cats. Much more feisty, more inquisitive and much more dog like. And that's sort of true as Loki follows me round all the time, is obsessed with food (hence the fatso-ness) and fetches his mouse. If only you could train them like a dog too.

Anyway I'll let you know how the diet goes. I foresee trouble ahead.

Crocked and Roll

2009-09-13T09:37:00.002+08:00

Roll on the holidays. Just two weeks now and then I am off for two weeks. I can't wait, especially as I am getting progressively more and more crippled by work at the moment.

It's pretty much a given that in my job you end up with a bad back but at the moment I am not getting better. I really need to take a couple of weeks off work to recuperate but it's just too busy. Every time I move now my spine cracks and my neck burns. Hey ho, hopefully I'll get better over my holiday. Actually if I do and then get worse again when I get back to work I'm thinking of trying for workers compo. Not a road I really want to go down, but it's costing me a fortune in physio and drugs. Actually it could probably be all resolved if I just got a more acceptable chair to put the patients on.

Still I am looking forward to the holiday. I went and got the foreign currency the other day. Well I tried to. Obviously getting Taiwan Dollars in Perth is a considerable challenge. If you want US dollars or British Pounds or New Zealand Dollars then no problem. Obviously only English speaking currencies available in this town.

I understand that the little exchange booths don't have Taiwanese dollars on hand, but the fact that the ANZ bank doesn't have it, and can't even order it, it ridiculous. I mean they are a bank for god sake. Aren't they meant to handle money? Eventually I got it from a little Travelex booth in Karrinyup shopping centre. They were both helpful and polite, which was a pleasant change. Mind you I have no Idea if I actually have Taiwanese money as it's all written in Chinese. They could have given me anything. Luckily the numbers are in arabic script so I know how much each note is worth.

I've also had a few Mandarin lessons from Selene at work. I now know how to say "hello", "thank you", "excuse me", "no thank you" and "I am allergic to prawns". Well I say I know how. I might need to practice as it's a tonal language and that makes it really tricky for an English speaker, especially one like me who is hopeless at foreign languages. Thank goodness the iPhone now has a voice recorder on it. I shall be sitting on the plane practising my Chinese for 8 hours.

I am expecting some very funny looks.

Bored

2009-08-31T14:10:00.003+08:00

Why is nobody turning up for their appointments at the moment? I am bored out of my mind at work.

Mind you that's being made up for by after work. Not only am I doing the short film, I've now been asked to do the sound for one of the local theatre groups. That would be ok but they seem to think it's ok to hand all the discs to me at the dress rehearsal. Are these people idiots? Actually I know they are because Joy has told me a bit about the whole rehearsal period. No one better ever tell me that the GRC is disorganized and unfriendly EVER AGAIN.

At least it is just this week. It's a pity that the plays are all pretty full on. All raping, shouting and killing. Not my idea of a good night out but there is no accounting for taste I suppose.

And the Dramafest judges love that kind of thing.

Outdoor Dunny

2009-08-22T16:21:00.004+08:00

I'm outside supervising a cat, can you believe that? I decided he needs to go outside occasionally and my backyard is (almost) cat escape proof, but all the cat books say they need supervision so I am currently watching Loki enjoy digging in the dirt and peeing. What an exotic life I lead.

As you may remember he is a bit of a Psychokitty, what with all the running around and unprovoked attacks on me (mainly) and Beck. So I thought I'd consult the experts and get some books from the library to see what to do. Funnily enough he wasn't so keen:

So apologies to Stirling Libraries for the tooth marks in the Psycho Kitty book. Yes, that is it's actual title. I have to say the advice is a bit crap anyway, it seems to be that the solution to everything is "play with kitty and give him lots to do, but ignore him when he's naughty". So far this does not work. I've got the scars to prove it.

I also noticed the other day that he is the same colour as the carpet, grey and stripy, which gives him a significant advantage in the pouncing stakes. Just brought him back inside and now there is total craziness. I hope to god he grows out of all this. Still there's always lethal injection I suppose.

I joke...or do I?

Anyway what else is happening. Well the pre-production for the short film is in progress. I have no idea if I mentioned it here but we're making a short film with the Council's money. It's great but when Adam and I were doing the proposal (mostly Adam) we divvied up the jobs, with me as producer. NEVER DO THIS. I've since discovered that my name is on all the legal documents, the money is my responsibility, all the contracts are in my name and I have to do most of the organising for permissions. It's a bit of a nightmare. On the other hand I do now have the rights and control handed to me after Will and Adam both signed their agreements. The power seems infinite. Pity we'll never make any money from it otherwise it would be great (I get 40% and the writer/director get 30% each). We did have a bit of a Hollywood moment today, signing contracts in a coffee shop. OK not very Hollywood but cool in it's own small way. I've also had to write to four different councils for permissions to film as "Perth" isn't really "Perth" at all: It's the City of Perth and Town of Vincent and City of Stirling and Town of Cottesloe and Town of Cambridge. Too many councils in one place. And not one of them has an easily navigable website.

I've also finally managed to modify the hideous fireplace that was in this place when I moved in. From this:

To This:

With the help of some MDF, a laser cutting company, some paint and a lantern from the Swedish mothership. I think it looks better even if it is much more flammable. But who's likely to have an open fire in this day and age anyway?

Hopefully not the next people who live here or they're in for a shock.

Apple Store Perth

2009-07-17T19:14:00.002+08:00

Looks like we might be getting one...

Festival Time

2009-07-15T09:31:00.004+08:00

So it's been the Perth Film Festival here (called Revolution for some unexplained reason, usually Perth events have to have WA incorporated somehow, e.g. WAnimate for the animation group, WASO for the orchestra) and I went to see a few movies. In particular I wanted to go as it was held at the Astor down the road, the place I was looking forward to going to when I moved to Perth, which shut down about 2 months before I moved in. I t was beautiful inside though, just like you'd hope an art deco cinema would be.

I have to say you get a very different clientele from the local googolplex; its not often you see lesbians with mohawks eating choc-tops. Or strange men dressed all in black with dark sunglasses on even during a film. Obviously not dark enough in a cinema for some people. There seemed to be a requirement for some kind of hat to be worn at all times too, anything from the standard black beanie, the 'artistic' beret or the knackered Akubra to the woman wearing the pink teddy bear bonnet. It looked like she was wearing the flayed skin of a Care-bear as a hat.

The thing that amazed me most were the people who still arrived late, even to a festival screening, I mean I'd expect that in Perth at a showing of the latest bold-red-Helvetica movie but not here. Even more annoying was all the rustling and talking going on. I mean for gods' sake this is not the Greater Union!

Anyway I saw a couple of documentaries. One was American Swing about Plato's Retreat in New York in the 70s. It was totally brilliant and hilarious as the club was a swingers club and all the reminiscing was being done by the people who were there, namely lots of ageing baby boomers. Is there anything finer than somebody's granny remembering her time in the orgy room? Well as long as it's not your own granny I suppose.

I also went to see Welcome To North Korea about a group of Czech tourist visiting the aforementioned Stalinist Paradise. This was totally fascinating as it's a place I'd love to go to and it was exactly as I imagined, all big empty roads and giant statues of the glorious proletariat. Not that many of them looked that glorious, you couldn't feel anything but sympathy for the poor buggers who have to live in such a 'paradise'. Seeing all the kids doing a perfectly drilled performance for the tour group was really chilling. I don't want to imagine what would happen to them if they got a dance move wrong. It was made more interesting as the tourists were from the Czech Republic and had all lived through their own totalitarian nightmare, they could totally relate to the situation and obviously felt a strong connection with the people they met.

Sadly the movie was a bit spoiled by the guy behind me reading the subtitles out loud and laughing at the most inappropriate moments. Every time I go to the movies I swear it'll be the last because of the other people but I keep caving.

Adam and I also went to a couple of talks given by some of the low budget filmmakers who were in town from the US to see if we could pick up any tips. We discovered that mostly we were doing what they did. That is made things with no money and still had to have real jobs.

Looks like it'll be a while until Sony Pictures is knocking the door down.

A Little MJ Reality

2009-07-08T21:39:00.004+08:00

If you are a bit sick of the media coverage of the death of the gifted, child-like musical genius you should read this.

It adds a bit of balance to the scales of remembrance which I am very much in agreement with:

Michael Jackson: Bad! And very dangerous - The Independent

Monthly

2009-06-24T09:23:00.003+08:00

So it looks like I've gone to monthly postings. I suppose that indicates how boring my life is at the moment.

Had my last ever trip to Kalgoorlie for work last week. They have finally found a person to replace me, he's called Mick, he's Irish and he's seventy years old. Long term prospect there then. Still as long as I don't have to go anymore it's fine by me. From now on I only have to visit there when I want to not when I'm told to. In fact I didn't want to go this time, I mean no one ever took me there on my first trip and showed me round. I was just given the car, directions and sent off to the red dirt. I thought I'd get out of it as I had no one to cat sit but rather unbelievably the boss said they work would pay for the cat hotel! That one's going to confound the auditors I'm sure.

I have come back again with health issues though. It must be Kalgoorlie. This time I've got a buggered shoulder and an even more buggered neck. I woke up yesterday with the tiniest twinge in my left sternocleidomastoid (look it up). By the time I got to the freeway entry I couldn't look over my right shoulder. Not that this is a major problem in Perth as you just randomly pull into the oncoming traffic without looking anyway. However after three patients at work I realised that there was no way I could continue with the screaming pain in my neck.

So once again I had the pleasure of the Physio ($59) the Doctor ($63) the pharmacy ($33) the Medicare office ($32.50 refund) all to still be in pain 24 hours later. Health care here is pretty expensive when you think about it. If I was still in the UK all that would have cost me was the price of a script: £7.20. Remember that when you hear people moaning about the poor old NHS.

I'm taking temazepam which is completely zonking me out. I daren't get in the car in case I end up in a tree somewhere. And I have another physio appointment this afternoon. I'm not sure they really do anything. Are they medical professionals or in league with the chiropractors? Who knows. If it doesn't make any difference today then I'm not going again. It is however about the only way I ever get money back from my health insurance fund.

I hate being home sick, especially when I'm not actually bed bound, just not able to work. I would go into town, but would feel like a total skiver. And the fact that its absolutely piddling down is a bit of a de-motivator too. Especially as I'd have to catch public transport as I definitely can't drive.

Did I already say that? I think the drugs are kicking in......

Slack slack slack

2009-05-24T12:45:00.003+08:00

I've just realised how long it is since I've posted here. It's really slack to leave it almost a month between posts and it's not as though nothing has happened, I'm just idle.

OK so what has happened. A couple weeks a go I was involved in the 48Hours film festival. This was my mate Adam's idea and is a competition to make a movie in 48 hours from scratch. It's actually a New Zealand competition but it was still a good idea. You are given a genre, prop to use, character name and trait and a line to include at the beginning of the competition at 3pm WA time and away you go. Ours was a real time movie which meant we had to make a 6 minute moive that actually lasted 6 minutes. Sounds easy I hear you say but it really isn't. We managed to write the script by about midnight and started filming at 7 am on Saturday morning. Luckily I know a few actors and they knew a few more actors and we got it cast and ready to go.

This was the first time I'd been involved in actually making a film and was amazed how many times each thing had to be done and how many different shots had to be thought of. Luckily we had Adam who knew what he was doing, the rest of us generally stood around and got in the way or tried to keep track of which take of which shot we were up to. The filming wrapped at about 6 pm and we went back to get the editing done. This is the exact moment the computers decided they would shit themselves and stop working. Cue a bit of panic. Luckily Andrew was around to get things going again. We all left at about 1 am but Adam was up all night (including another 3 hours tech meltdown) editing the thing together. You would have thought that between the 6 Macs available in the house at any one point we would have been ok but with that many bits of electronics something is bound to go wrong.

To cut a long story short (too late) we managed to get the thing finished and uploaded to You Tube as required with about 6 minutes to spare. Never has a upload progress bar taken so long or been so closely monitored. Sadly you cant see the finished product yet as it has to be judged and finalised in NZ. I hope we do OK, just have to wait and see. To be honest it was fun but I don't want to have to do it again in a hurry.

What else? Well the cat is slowly settling in, in between destroying my lampshades. A word of advise: IKEA paper lamps are not kitten proof. Luckily they are very cheap so it's not a total disaster but suffice to say it's been replaced with something a bit less papery and Loki tempting. He had to have his last immunisation the other week so it was back to the vet again. It was there that I realised how enormous he actually seems to be. There was a couple in the waiting room with their 5 month old kitten and it was about a third the size of my 6 month old kitten. Even the vet was a bit taken aback. If he keeps growing he'll be the size of a great dane. I'm also using and emptying the Dyson a lot more, who knew they dropped so much hair everywhere. Don't ever get a silver tabby either. You get black hair on your white clothes and white hair on your black clothes. Let's just say there are days where I look like a 'cat person' covered in fluff and scratch marks.

I went back to Kalgoorlie the other week too, it was a bit weird as I really felt no connection with the place at all this time. I caught up with a few friends but even most of them are either moving/moved/hoping to move to Perth. I think the next trip will be the last as they have finally managed to find someone to replace me. I have to go with him next time to orient him. This pissed me off a bit as no-one ever did that for me. So never again will I need to go to Kal unless I really want to, and I'm sure I will but it's finally the end of that chapter in my life. Bit weird really.

When I got back this time I was as sick as a dog with the 'flu. And it was real, not the man version. The dr. signed me off for three days but I'm so committed that I was back at work after two. What an idiot. It was that horrible achy, hot and cold sort of feeling. Worst thing was it started on the Saturday I got back from Kal and meant I had to go and vote on daylight saving (No by the way), go shopping for food and take the cat to the vet. It was probably all the running around that almost finished me off.

Anyway I'm all better now and deciding what to do this afternoon seeing as it's such a beautiful day after lots of terrible weather. Any suggestions?

Less Crazy

2009-04-29T18:36:00.003+08:00

Ok an explanation of yesterday's post.

Loki is bonkers. Or at least he was last night. When I got home from work he was in lovely Snuggle Mode, all cuddly and purring. Within an hour he had switched to Kill Mode, scratching, biting, actually drawing blood. Ok that's a lie but he was off his head. We had to resort to tiring him out by throwing a mouse round the room for about an hour. Eventually he settled down, but I really thought I had bitten off more than I could cope with. However it seems that this is pretty normal kitten behaviour. Oh my god. How long for?

Actually he's being pretty normal today, I think yesterday was just revenge for leaving him at home alone all day for the first time. At the moment he is sitting on the top of the stairs watching us while Neighbours is on. To be honest that's probably very wise, to be shielded from most of the horror of Ramsey Street.

So slowly he's becoming part of the family. But if you ever hear me call myself "Daddy", or introduce you to him as "Uncle" or "Auntie" then just shoot me. Seriously.

Uh Oh

2009-04-24T22:59:00.001+08:00

I think I've adopted a nutcase.

Meet the New Lodger

2009-04-23T18:48:00.005+08:00

OK, I was going to say new member of the family, but, as many of you know, that sort of thing just makes me roll my eyes. It's an animal, not a person.

Anyway here he is:

He looks a bit mad but he is in a horrible animal shelter at the moment. Actually it's lovely there, the Cat Haven, they do a great job trying to re-home all those poor moggies that get dumped. Give them some money.

His name is Lucky, but as that is the lamest rescue cat name ever thought of I've decided to change it to Loki, Norse god of mischief, deception, murder (and air for some reason). Pretty appropriate for a cat I think. He came with all his equipment too, which was a bit sad. Obviously his last owners just couldn't keep him and surrendered him and his basket, litter tray and favourite cat toy. If he ever gets on Australian Idol he'll have a great back story.

I have to go pick him up tomorrow after he's been...well, you know, best not mentioned really. So from now on I have responsibilities, and need cat sitters, and vet bills, and faeces removal apparatus.

The joy of parenthood...damn! I did it already.

Låt den rätte komma in

2009-04-19T22:45:00.002+08:00

Just been to see Let the right one in, the brilliant Swedish, pre-pubescent vampire movie.

The film was was great but once again the rest of the audience needed a slap. Arriving late, talking, rustling, chewing, talking some more.

God other people shit me.

DIY or GSETDI

2009-04-17T12:23:00.002+08:00

I've been painting the house over the last few days and decided that it really is better to not Do It Yourself but Get Someone else To Do It. I don't mean to imply that I am bad at DIY, or even that I am too lazy to do it myself, it's more about standards. I am pretty fussy about detail and finish on things and when you have a tradesman painting or building then you can say to them if it's not up to scratch. However when you do it yourself, and it looks a bit shit, then you only have yourself to blame.

For example I had some new doors put on. I did try to do this myself, but after three hours of trimming the width and height, measuring and rebating the hinges and rebating the latch I managed to cut the hole for the handle in the wrong place and thereby ruin the whole bloody thing. That was the end of that: the door and my enthusiasm for doing it again. So I got a chippy in to put on some doors, which was expensive but worth it as at least they fit and all the holes are in the right place.

Anyway all I had to do was paint these doors. Now this is not particularly hard you'd think, just slap on a bit of gloss. But no matter how I do it, with a foam roller, with a mohair roller, with a brush, it just looks bloody awful. All streaky and drippy. Just not up to my standards, but I have no-one to blame sadly. So I've decided to just give up and try not to look at them. Hopefully I'll be motivated to have another go at some point in the future. Or better still get my dad to do them when he visits next. It's the same with the walls, getting the edges right is a nightmare. To be honest I am a bit better at this, but trying to cut in the walls at the top of the stairwell was just impossible, I've had to do it with a paint pad on a really long pole as I have no scaffolding. Again it just looks terrible and I can only blame myself. Or possibly the architect in this situation.

Hey ho. All part of the fun of being a home owner I suppose. At the moment I'm having a break from paint and brushes. This is to give me time to find all the splatters and wipe them up/sand them off the floors and walls. What fun.