I'm back now but I've been thinking what a conundrum Singapore is.

It's in Asia but really is apart from it, for example English is the language on all the signs, shops, receipts, menus and the like yet nearly everyone speaks in Mandarin. It's like Asia because it's incredibly busy and very crowded yet it's very organised and very clean. And believe me, the last two are very much NOT like the rest of Asia.

The media is interesting here too. It's pretty much all government controlled so not exactly even handed, I particularly love the habit of printing the names and address and pictures of anyone who is undergoing a court case. No presumption if innocence here apparently. But that's what you get in the "Happiest Totalitarian Place On Earth™". I should hate the lack of democracy and the control the government here, but it seems to work for the Singaporeans. I suppose such a tiny country with no natural resources has to follow a pretty unique path. And the people here seem pretty happy and proud of what their country has achieved. Not something you can say for many places.

Personally I think they should be pretty proud of the public transport here. The MRT is fantastic. Cheap, regular and fast with lots of stations (which is important, if you've ever tried to walk from City West station to the businesses in West Perth on a 40 degree day you'll know what I mean). Although there do seem to be problems with the MRT trains at the moment. The front of the papers for the last three days have been following the story of the breakdowns on the new Circle Line. Apparently it's been regular and terrible and inconvenient. There have been delays of up to an hour. Twice. In the last six months. I can only dream of delays and problems on the Perth public transport network only twice a year. And if you're in London a breakdown less than twice on each trip would be a luxury. I think it shows the difference in expectations between here and, well, absolutely everywhere else. It could also be another example of the Singaporean Governments streak of control-freakism. 

Mind you there really are problems with the new Circle Line, it seems to be confusing all the tourists and most of the locals. Partly because the Circle Line isn't actually a circle. It has a gap in the bottom right hand corner. I think they're working on it but its pretty confusing when you get on a train to Marina Bay from Dhoby Ghaut, which looks like two stops, then after 25 stations you realise that you're going the wrong way. I'm pretty sure, as this is Singapore, they're working on it so I expect on my next visit they will have built a few more stations. I think they need to rethink some of the names too. There's Esplanade next to Promenade. Aren't they the same thing?

There is also a lot of money here, mostly expressed in cars. While I was at my hotel the first night there were two Bentleys outside, the next a Rolls and another Bentley, the next a Ferrari and the last night two Ferraris. Now this might not seem that impressive to anyone from a large international city, and that's true, but you have to bear in mind that here a Toyota Corolla costs S$150,000. And you have to buy a certificate of entitlement which allows you to own a car in the fist place. These are another S$90,000. I can't imagine how much a couple of Ferraris would cost you. Oh yes, a couple. The two parked outside had matching number plates.

If you do come to Singapore, and you have big feet, then be prepared to trip over lots of things. I've lost count of the chair legs, table legs, steps and kerbs I've tripped over. Also the amount of local people who have stood on my toes on the MRT. They are used to standing a lot closer with no obstructions I guess. It was even a pain at the airport as the Changi luggage trollies aren't quite wide enough between the wheels to stride properly. I ended up either mincing along the travellators or kicking the hell out of the bottom of my luggage.

The flight home was uneventful. I even got the exit row seat for the first time in years which was nice. Except people kept tripping over my feet. And I'm only size 11. How do really tall people cope? Arrival at Perth was the usual rapid descent back to sour faced officials and long queues for luggage. I will never understand why it takes so long for Perth "International" Airport to move your bags about 50 metres from the plane to the arrivals hall? My mate claims that all the baggage handlers one armed. I could applaud the policy but not the effects. I did go straight through the quarantine bit this time though. In fact since I got my Australian passport I've not had to show my dirty laundry to anyone. I'd love to know what the profiling is that lets them decide who get put in five minutes, and who gets the rubber glove treatment. 

This trip they were stopping all the British passport holders. Obviously searching for smuggled Tunnocks tea-cakes.

God and Mammon

Yes that's two subjects I'm never impressed with, but it's pretty much the scene at Suntec City this morning. On one floor a couple of thousand dentists learning how to make more money and on the next a couple of thousand Christians having a Sunday morning pray. It seems that the lack of space in Singapore means the mega churches can't quite afford to build their gigantic stadiums-cum-chapels-cum-money-laundering centres. Instead they rent the conference and meeting rooms at the convention centres and hotels around the city. It's a bit odd to see hundred of kids and adults riding on escalators past Starbucks carrying bibles and study guides. This is my second close call with the local bible-bashers. Looks like the American evangelists and missionaries are investing heavily in South-East Asia with that peculiarly American muscular and close minded version of Jesus.

The conference has been pretty good, although I was concerned after the first lecture. It was one of thoses PowerPoint nightmares. Lots of slides, most of which were introduced with "you won't be able to read this". If we can't read it why put it up there? This is a common theme with dental academics. Thy all need a lesson in presentation. I mean I'm sure what this fella was saying was totally cutting edge and fascinating, but I wouldn't know as I was squinting at a mess of comic sans references. Still it got better. In fact today I saw, for the first time in my life, a PowerPoint presentation that was almost art. This guy is a French dental technician (that's who makes the crowns and bridges) who started his presentation with a slide show of his photos. Now I expect you've been to conferences where the bloke on stage flashes up a few of his family pics (to prove his familymanliness) or a few whimsical holiday snaps (to prove his sense of humour). These pics were of Robert Downey Jr and Sean Penn, among others. See Michel Magne has his dental lab in Hollywood. And he doesn't just make crowns and bridges. He's a photographer, a designer, architect, artist and sculptor. And his photos are of the stars. And they were excellent too. Enough to make you sick really. So his PowerPoint was very much free of comic sans. It was free of squinty slides too, just lots of beautifully lit pictures of teeth, faces and bridgework. Now I know that probably sounds like your worst nightmare, but believe me it was like a gallon of cold water in the face after three days of pretty dry stuff.

The trade show attached to the conference was interesting but somewhat depressing if you work for the government. It doesn't matter how fancy the chairs are, how brilliant the new materials are or how pretty the surgical instruments are, you ain't gonna get ANY of it. It's homebrand dentistry all the way for government patients. It's also a bit disheartening to see all these new techniques and methods that I could be doing if only I had the funding. If you're poor and can't afford the private dentist then sadly your treatment is always going to be basic. Excellent, sufficient and delivered with care and love, but basic.

There were a few freebies for me though. Mostly bloody Colgate as per usual. I don't even use Colgate yet that's all you ever get at any meeting. I don't really know why, especially in Australia, as Colgate pretty much has the market monopolised. I did get a syringe and needles to try, as long as its not taken off me at customs, and I was meant to go back and get some forceps from a new UK company that's trying to break into the market. Sadly they'd packed up by the time I got back. I was hoping to convince the powers that be to change back to UK manufactured stuff as the Chinese crap we get now is terrible. It was a big theme at the trade show, all the companies were very quick to tell you that their stuff

wasn't

made in the PRC. Not that it was easy to tell as half the things on the Chinese stands were complete rip offs of the German and Japanese designs. Not sure how they get away with it. There was a new company called US Dental. All the stuff was made in Chicago, beautifully designed surgical instruments. The odd thing? It's a Korean company. It's gone full circle, so it's cheaper for a Korean company to manufacture in the US for export than to make the stuff in Korea. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but at least it's work for someone.

It was interesting to note the characteristics of the different national pavilions there too. I don't like clichés but sometimes they're true: The Germans were efficient and suspicious of any brown people milling around, the Japanese were polite and almost totally drowned in high tech displays, the Swiss looked slightly bored and as if they were far too well bred to be actually selling things. The Koreans were desperate to be taken seriously as manufacturers but kept getting mistaken for the Japanese, the British just looked disheartened and dejected, the Aussies were overly friendly and scaring the locals and the French? Well they were eating pastries and talking amongst themselves. And I swear to god none of that is made up.

Another thing I noticed, and I'm going to sound like an appalling racist, which I'm not (really I'm not, even though most people who say "I'm not a racist but..." are only one step from cross burning) but if you suggest to a large group of Asian people that there is a possibility of free stuff around then there'll be a scrum in seconds. Don't get me wrong, I love a freebie too but the European way seems to be chat to the sales person, pretend to be interested, ask for information and hope that they decide to give you a free tube of toothpaste/composite/disinfectant wipe. If you're from Asia, you just walk up and say "what have you got for free?" And it works! Much more honest than my pussyfooting around. Although it didn't work on the Germans. They expect you to work for it.

So it's all over now and I fly back to Perth tomorrow. Have I learned anything? Yes, some new things which I can try, some that I won't be able to because of lack of equipment. I've learned that I'm doing most things right, some things maybe need a rethink. I've learned that if you sit on those chairs that convention centres use for weddings and meetings for three full days then you WILL be crippled and need a physio when you get home.

I've also learned that if you sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger then you probably shouldn't try to lecture in English as half your audience won't be paying attention, they will just be waiting for you to say "I'll be back".

Guns and ammo

As you may, or may not, know I've been to Singapore a lot. I mean really a lot. I was trying to work it out last night and I think this may be my eighteenth visit. So, like I say, a lot. This makes it hard to do things that don't involve the shops as I've been to pretty much every tourist attraction and historic site on the island over the years. Except Sentosa. This is the little island just off the coast that the Singapore government decreed in the 1970s would be for "recreation". I think this is why I've avoided it as I'm not a fan of bird parks, beaches and giant, concrete Merlions.

But it is the location of Fort Siloso, the British gun emplacement of colonial days. You know, the one where the guns were facing the wrong way when the Japanese attacked. So to relieve the horror of too much dentistry I had a trip over. Firstly I have to say that the island itself is a nightmare of tacky attractions and concrete caves and waterfalls. I'll blame Universal Studios for that, although the roller coasters looked pretty good. The sign-posting is also pretty unfathomable so be prepared to wander around for quite a while before you find the bus stop for the Fort (it's hidden in the underground car park, just through the cave, past the waterfall and down the escalator).

The first thing that was a bit unusual at Fort Siloso was doing the introductory tour with two Japanese tourists. It's this sort of thing that makes you realise the total and utter futility and pointlessness of war: two generations ago their grandfathers were trying to kill my grandfathers over a bit of land in the Indian ocean, now I'm on a tour with them using a Japanese camera. All those people died for what exactly? I wish politicians would just think ahead a bit more: "shall we attack the British in Malaya", "why bother, they'll be building Toyotas in 60 years time anyway". Still the place is very interesting and you learn a few weird things, like the Communist resistance taking orders from Lord Mountbatten. I think that's what you call a clash of ideologies: the cousin of the Queen of England issuing orders to the soldiers of the proletariat. Seemed to work, though mainly because everyone hated the Japanese (except some of the Indians and Malays, just look up the Indian National Army). I've often thought that if the Japanese had been a bit nicer to the people they "liberated" from the colonial Europeans they might have won. Although that whole Pearl Harbour thing pretty much doomed them from the beginning. I'd like to take this moment to thank them for that, as if that hadn't happened, Germany wouldn't have declared war on the USA and Great Britain would have surely lost the war. Oh, and thanks to the USA too obviously.

Although Britain wasn't quite as useless in South East Asia as everyone likes to make out. Yes they surrendered and yes they lost Singapore but there was a bit of a fight. It seemed to be that there were too many chiefs and not enough indians, troops were being commanded from Melbourne and London as well as Singapore, and General Percival just looked too much like a chinless wonder for his own good. Though that could be the quality of the waxwork diorama. So Singapore had a period of total nightmare with the Japanese in control, killing left right and central. It always seems that the Japanese managed to get away with more war crimes after 1945 than the Germans, I mean I know about the Nuremberg Trial but have no idea if there were equivalents in Japan? Although that could just be a gap in my education. Eventually the Japanese surrender came and the waxwork modellers had another excuse for a diorama.

I would just like to bust a myth here though. The guns on Singapore were indeed facing the ocean when the Japanese attacked, but they did rotate, and they did fire inland at the advancing troops. I can only assume the myth of the failure of the guns of Singapore was created for political purposes after the war. What better way to show how hopeless and disrespectful your colonial oppressors were?

On the way back to Singapore proper I was accosted by a chap surveying the tourists at the monorail station. I was happy to talk, and tell him how bloody awful the signposts were. Apparently I wasn't the first person to mention that on that day. He was so happy I stopped that he gave me a little stuffed Merlion keying. This happened at the Eiffel Tower as well, except there it was an Eiffel Tower keying from the survey guy. Travel tip: always stop for canvassers at tourist attractions,you might save $6 on buying a tacky souvenir.

The MRT trip back to town showed up the variations in this little island. On one side of the carriage were a group of youths reading bible passages and revising for 'Hallelujah Camp' (and to be honest dozing off to sleep, all that judging other people must really take it out of you). On the other side was a chap with a massive swastika on his t-shirt. Now I know this is an ancient Hindu symbol and all that, but it's still a surprise for a European to see one worn so blatantly. Especially this one which was black, on a white disc, on a red background. I'm not sure that's the actual ancient symbolism he was going for.

Anyway today is Saturday, there is only one lecture I want to see at 1:30 so I'm trying to find things to do. I was going to sit by the pool but it's raining and thundering, therefore more shopping and trying to find that guy with the Nazi shirt. To explain not to wear it on his next trip to Germany.

Seven circles of hell...

Or to put it another way my conference has started, I'm now in a convention centre with about 1500 other dentists, which is my idea of hell to be honest. I'm here to learn some stuff, but I'm also here to try and scam some freebies from the trade show. I'm not holding out much hope as the dental industry is renowned for its tight-arssedness, you barely even get a free toothbrush anymore (free toothbrushes being one of the main reasons I even studied dentistry).

So I'm not sure how much there will to blog about that isn't mind numbingly dull for the normal people out there, but check back anyway. I'm bound to think of something. Meanwhile I'm off to lecture number one;

"Evidence based approaches for the prevention and control of early caries"

Wish you were here?

New city, same view

So yesterday was another day of travelling, not quite and long and hideous as getting here though. I decided to get a taxi to the train station as it was a bit of a hike and I hate using my luggage in backpack mode (as people judge backpackers, they really do) but when I got outside the hotel there wasn't a taxi in sight. Oh well walking it is. Now I travel pretty light, my luggage weighs a total of 12 kg this trip, but I'll tell you that walking a kilometre with 12kg on my back almost crippled me. How fat people manage to move around at all is beyond me, especially in the heat an humidity of the tropics. Perhaps that's why there aren't many fat people in Asia, the heat kills them all off on the way to the monorail.

Anyhow once I managed to stagger into the KL central station, dodging the same busses, cars and carbon monoxide that was there when I arrived, it all go a lot better. The train is an express straight to KLIA (that'll be Kuala Lumpur International Airport) and apparently the "fastest train in south east Asia". I'm assuming you have to be selective in your definition for that one as there are some extremely quick trains in Taiwan and China and Japan. It was pretty quick, only 28 minutes to do the same 90 minute bus trip on the way into KL. I'd recommend it and it's pretty cheap too. It also passes Putra Jaya, the new city that the Malaysian government decided it needed to prove that it's all modern and open and not megalomaniacal at all. The view from the train looks like an alien space port, all the buildings are huge and futuristic. If aliens ever come to earth they'll definitely be trying to fill up with dark matter fuel at PJ.

KLIA itself has just been voted the best airport in the world. By whom and why I couldn't tell you as its not a patch on Changi. It's pretty confusing too as all the shops appear to be landslide and not duty free. The service at check-in was terrible too, the little girl serving me had no idea what she was doing and kept getting over a guy who was sniff, sniff sniffing constantly. They sell Kleenex tissues here so there's really no excuse. It seems to be a cultural thingy; it's nothing to expectorate your nasal passages all over the floor but tissues are a disgusting western habit. Be prepared for much sniffing in Asia which is one of the few things that really turn my stomach (along with other peoples sick and eye surgery. If I ever had to watch eye surgery on a sniffing person while they were being sick I'd probably explode).

The flight to Singapore was good, so quick at only 40 minutes, and it felt really odd to get to Singapore, a place that I usually take five hours to reach, so rapidly. I've noticed something though; on every flight I've been on this year the person sitting next to me has a Blackberry and they never turn the bloody things off when they're asked. Why is that? Are they such an important "business" person that they can't or are they just so techno-ignorant that they don't know how? (Actually as they've got Blackberries I assume it's the second). I don't actually think their SMS messages are going to actually bring down a $100 million dollar aircraft, or even interfere with the navigational equipment, but it just shits me that you can't even switch off your phone for a couple of hours when there will be no signal coverage anyway!

I'd arranged to meet A, K and O at the airport for a cuppa as they were flying, at the same time, back to Oz, but when I got to Changi I had absolutely no idea which terminal I was at. I'd told them T2 but they all look the same when you are in the arrivals bit. Bear that in mind if you have to change flights here, you won't always be in the place you think you are at Singapore Airport. Luckily they found me and I was actually where I thought I was. It was nice to see them, even though O was far more interested in the fibreglass Ronald McDonald than the wonders of travel. Interesting to see the corporate brainwashing of two year olds in action.

The hotel here is very nice and expensive (I'm at a conference now so it's all a tax deduction from here on on in) but its one of those built in the 80s with a massive central atrium. I'm sure this was a great idea when you wanted your resort to look like "the future" but the glass lifts just look a little dated now. It's like staying on the set from a second rate 70s vision of the world of tomorrow. It's also a bloody nightmare for noise control, last night the noise of the piano player and 'singer' in the lounge was terrible. If I wanted to listen to warbling covers of Amy Winehouse songs I'd have gone to the Kalgoorlie sound-shell when I lived there.

My iPad just autocorrected "sound shell" to sound hell. Never a truer word made in error.

Off to the lost island

So I'm off to Singapore tomorrow. It was part of Malaysia but very briefly (about five years if my memory of the museum is right). I think they were asked to leave for trying to treat the Chinese equally to the Malays, or the Malays equally to the Chinese. What ever it was probably didn't involve the Indians.

I've decided KL is not a place I'm likely to come to again. It's one of those newish countries that have a veneer of civility but the poverty and corruption still show through. Why do I say that? Well for a start there's the massive skyscrapers and shopping malls yet a complete lack of investment in infrastructure. I always think this is a sign of backhanders, and you see it in lots of places, some official sells the land to developers for a cut so they get rich and everyone else pays. The fact that the police are dressed like paramilitary is also a sign, in my opinion, of a population whose rights are not fully respected. I am only going by the places I've visited and it seems to be the closer to a dictatorship/military regime/socialist paradise you are the more the cops look like storm troopers. Except in Italy where they just love shiny uniforms and medals of course. The old ladies begging in the street don't really instil confidence that this is a fair and equitable democracy either. Yes I know we have beggars too but it's rarely old ladies and people with limbs missing. The final thing that made my mind up today was when dozens of police motorbikes and cars and blacked out vehicles screamed down the main road, scattering the rest of the traffic. They weren't responding to an emergency just escorting someone too "important" to sit in the traffic. This is definitely a sign of despotism well practised in the USSR and has no real place in a democracy. Unless the Olympics are on of course then the tax payers just have to wait for the synchronised swimming judges, after all think of the legacy!

A few other observations.

The boys here REALLY love complicated hair. I've never seen so many combinations of undercuts, rat tails, Mohicans and mulletesque styles in my life. If I had shares in a hair product company here I'd be a millionaire. I suppose that if everyone has pretty much the same colour, straight, thick hair then you got to try really hard to stand out.

I have a new tourism campaign for Malaysia, in fact pretty much any Asian country;

"Smoking? Why yes, you can!"

It's a bit of a surprise to see so much tobacco smoke but it does make you realise they even if Australia does ban pretty fag packets, the ciggie companies are still going to be ok.

People will step out of shops and offices here and noisily expel the contents of their nose onto the pavement. So watch your step! To be honest I prefer the smoking.

Most escalators here are for show and never work, the rest will come to a stop while you're still standing on them. I don't know why but it does add some excitement to every automated ascent.

Malaysia must be on the list of sharia holiday destinations for Saudi and Iran as there are lots and lots of women here in the full burka/hijab, slit-to-look-out-of rig. This isn't the place to comment (I hate it, it's degrading) but it must make for some interesting Saudi Facebook pictures with all these anonymous, identical women posed in front of various tourist attractions.

Anyway that's enough raising the ire of the Malaysian government and the whole of Islam. I'm off to the friendliest dictatorship on earth so I'll add more from there. Possibly.

Chinatown and large erections

Not that sort of erection, obviously, as this is a country full of very devout Muslims. I mean I was sucked into the "tall building as tourist attraction" thing again today, after specifically promising I'd never do it again after the underwhelming trip up Taipei 101. This time it was the KL tower, the other very tall thing apart from the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur. It looks pretty impressive, sort of like an extra large version of that tower in Sydney that no one knows the name of. All spindly with a big blob at the top. It's was built as a communication tower but like all of those it is slowly becoming redundant as microwave transmissions are replaced by fibre optics (as shown by the poor old Post Office Tower in London that's slowly being shorn of all it's microwave dishes revealing its spindly core) but the KL Tower has an extra use as a way to part tourists with quite a lot of ringgits. The walk to get there almost killed me to be honest, and not because of the terrible traffic and pavements this time, more that the damn thing is built on top of probably the only hill in KL. There are a LOT of steps and this is not a good thing in 30° heat and 100% humidity. "At least" I thought "I'll be able to get a nice cool drink at the top of the tower". Firstly I had to go through some amazing security systems consisting of a smiling indian chap who completely ignored the beeping metal detector and waved you on into the lift. Sadly the viewing deck at the top has no cafe, or drink outlet. It did have a shop selling cheap, digital watches though. Not the first place I'd go to buy a timepiece but obviously they must have some sort of business plan. The the viewing deck just had views and souvenir shops, if you wanted a beverage then you had to pay to go to the Restaurant, revolving of course as this was built in the dying years of the 20th century. Remember when every city that wanted to be sophisticated had a revolving restaurant? Actually perhaps they still do but it doesn't make them sophisticated, just look at Perth. It just makes you look like it's still 1985.

I have also realised that in my underwhelmed-ness I didn't take a picture, you'll have to just look it up.

Anyhow after a short, yet expensive (I can't get past the $18 entry fee) look at various ugly skyscrapers from a moderate height I headed off to Chinatown. It's amazing how all those high end designer goods corporations sell their products through rickety stalls in the less than gorgeous parts of Asian cities. I've never seen so many Prada and Gucci handbags in one place before. Chinatown here is pretty much like the Chinatowns everywhere else with much haggling required and much hassling committed. Two things that make most Englishmen's blood run cold, well mine at least, but I did manage to get a not too tacky souvenir Twin Towers for about $2 without haggling at all. At that price it's not worth the expenditure of calories.

I had a bit of a wander around the central National Square (which was laid out by the British to play sports on for the health of all those public school boy colonial types) to look at the old bits of the city, which are beautiful but completely overwhelmed by the multiple lane roads and busses and diesel fumes. It's difficult to imagine what it was like here with cricket outside the Royal Selangor Club and just minor mutterings of independence. It must have been a pretty easy life as a colonial officer in the Empire, although the lack of aircon must have sent them completely bonkers after a while. There was a very polite student demo in the Square as well, just a few very grammatically beautiful signs and some smiling. I think they want free education at uni. Good luck with that.

So today I'm deciding on a quiet day by the pool and shops or a trip to the Batu Caves. It's just another temple in a cave so probably not.

If it was the Bat Cave then it would be a different decision.

Dine. Shop. Chill out. Live it up!

That's not my title, that's what's on the front of the Malaysia, truly Asia tourist brochure and I suppose I did a few of those yesterday.

I started off with a bit of an explore around the hotel. It turns out that I am staying right at the end of the main shopping street in KL; like Oxford Street in London or like, well, nowhere really in Perth. There seems to be, like in most Asian cities, a string of massive shopping centres and I mean massive. All multistories, all white and shiny and all with the same shops in them. One thing that does seem to mark out the Malaysian ones from the Singapore ones is the number of men with shotguns. They are standing outside the jewellery stores mainly and don't instil much confidence. Firstly because I don't really want them blasting away in a crowded mall just to save some tacky bauble from Tiffany and secondly because most of them seem a little distracted, talking on phones and playing with PSPs. Not reassuring.

To be honest it would still be safer with them letting off birdshot than it is just trying to walk down the street here. There doesn't seem to be much pavement maintenance policy, or even pavement coordination. Some of them just stop in the middle of nowhere forcing you to try and cross five lanes of traffic. Others have crossings with pedestrian lights, but that only go half way across, leaving you stranded on a traffic island. Bit weird, maybe it's a way to remove the less nimble members of the community. In fact there seems to be a conscious effort to kill you here, with absolutely no concept of health and safety. If you hear anyone whine about "health and safety gone MAD!" I'd refer them here, where the only protection between me and the massive machine grinding off the surface of the hotel driveway was a bit of tape. And the driver managed to back over that.

After facing the Hunger Games like gauntlet to get into the hotel I headed off to the National Museum. Now my friends had warned me not to try and walk (OS&H again) so I caught a taxi. Now I always feel a bit anxious in foreign taxis. Actually I feel anxious in Perth taxis as well but that's more the thought of the driver getting lost. When abroad I am always convinced that I'm going to be ripped off/kidnapped/mugged and/or murdered by the taxi driver. Don't know why as none of those things have ever happened but I was pretty sure it was happening yesterday. When I looked at the map it was just a short trip west across town to the museum, however the taxi was off, heading north, then onto various freeways with the twin towers receding into the distance behind us. I really though my number was up. I know it's pathetic but it's why I prefer public transport, less likely to be buggered and robbed on a train I feel. After about 20 minutes in the taxi I was getting ready to drop and roll at the next slow corner when, miracle of miracles, I saw the sign for the museum. It seems that the freeways are actually just the main ring road in town. So all in all still safer than walking, and the adrenaline overdose really helped me wake up after my long day yesterday.

The National Museum was interesting, going right back to the dawn of the earth, which is pretty comprehensive for a museum about the cultural development of a country. To be honest I'm still not much the wiser about Malaysian history in recent times. The place was pretty clear on colonial history; first the Portugese arrived and managed to not kill everyone in sight (unlike most colonists of the Iberian persuasion) then the Dutch came, then the British, then the Dutch again for a bit, then the British and then independence. I have mixed feeling about colonialism, I mean obviously it's bad to take people's rights to govern themselves away, but then most of the ex-British colonies are only just letting their people have real democracy now, almost 80 years since then got their 'freedom'. I think it's hard to make a rational assessment from today's world about less enlightened times. I would just like to add though that, from what I learned yesterday, everyone on the Malay peninsula and Indonesia was constantly at war before the Brits arrived, ill wind and all that. I did notice that the Dutch gave the locals a fighting chance to get rid of them by wearing armour with a hole in it right over the heart area. Gotta love the Dutch, even their army tried to be pragmatic and even handed.

The section of the place about modern Malaysia was disappointing, all very heavy on the propaganda and not so good on the facts. Also a bit confusing when the independence struggle was all about "Malaya for Malays" and not a little racist and then the next panel is all about the wonderful melting pot of cultures that is Malaysia. I think there might still be quite a lot of pro-Malay discrimination here but you'll have to come here and see if you agree. There also wasn't much about Dr Mattahir Mohammed who, in my memory, was in charge for years and years and was only one tiny step from being a dictator. I guess you can gloss over that when you claim to be a democracy. I did however learn that the King here is head of state and he changes every five years, with all the little sultans deciding who gets to be next. They could televise it as "So You Think You Can Rule". Prince Harry could host. Also the Malaysians are inordinately proud of the Proton car, which is sweet if not a little misguided.

There were a few great things about the National Museum that cannot be passed over. First was all the dioramas (or is that dioramae?). I love a good museum diorama, and these were good. In the sense that they were terrible. I present to you the Portuguese attacking the harbour,

Fantastic! Also the museum shop was playing some interesting music, Ce Lo Green when I was I there, the version of "Forget You" that doesn't include the word "forget". Lost in translation I assume.

I decided to walk back to the train station that was just across the road on the map. The nice lady on reception gave me directions then said "good luck". I felt this did not bode well and she was right. It was a nightmare involving steps, dual carriageway and a flyover. I think being murdered by a taxi driver would be less stressful.

I tried to go to the National Mosque but was greeted by this;





Imagine putting that outside Westminster Abbey? They'd be bankrupt in a week.

When I got back to the hotel it was surrounded by police vehicle, men with guns and dozens of cars with flags on them. Apparently the Asian Defence Group was having a little shindig paid for by the European armaments industry, which explains why the flash Jag of the British Ambassador was here earlier in the day, trying to sell guns and jet fighters to various little poverty stricken third world countries. The Cambodian delegation was at breakfast this morning. I've been there and I'm pretty sure they should be spending money on schools and basic health care before they start buying Eurofighters. I just can't help getting cross, even if it does keep people building missiles in Wales.

Anyway I'm off to Chinatown today and a bit more walking around. I'll let you know how it goes.

Alternate direction

Just so you know, I've started duplicating this at Wordpress, mainly because their iPad app actually works, unlike google's sorry assed attempt with blogger.

peterinkal.wordpress.com

It's the same content and looks pretty similar too, I just like to give alternatives.

Long day passed

So I'm in KL now, after a very long day yesterday. I never finished my last blog even though there was at least an hour between being called for boarding and actually boarding so here's the rest of Fridays observations:

There was a roaring trade in Take Away coffee at Dome in the airport. Where exactly are these people "taking it away" to? I'm pretty sure you can't get your passport checked while sucking on an extra large, decaf, soy latte.

I know it is said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day but that may not include giving your kid Red Rooster chips at quarter past five the morning. Similarly getting into the Chardonnay in the departure lounge at six in the morning is also not a great idea. Especially seeing that it's from a departure lounge cafe.

The Air Asia X flight was surprisingly good. What the "X" is for I'm not sure as there was a noticeable lack of adult oriented material on the aircraft. There was lots of legroom, the seats were moderately comfy and trimmed in leather, well maybe leatherette would be closer, but still nice. I was a bit concerned when I got on as there were about 20 sick bags in the seat pocket in front of me. Did this bode a rough flight? Actually it was more a warning about the inflight catering. I bought a chicken sandwich. The description should probably be "a something that was once possibly chicken sandwich" but they wouldn't sell as many. It was filled with red and yellow capsicum (odd but tasty) and a slice of thick, pink, slightly aerated, pappyness. It sort of tasted of chicken, in the same was those foam banana lollies taste of banana i.e. not very much like it at all but pretty good considering the fact that some chemicals have yet to be invented. the rest of the flight was pretty normal. The pilot spoke in that odd way that all pilots speak,(with long...errrrrrrr...pauses between.. errrrrrr... every second... errrrrrrrrrrrrrr... word), the hosties (sorry cabin crew) pushed around the duty free shopping carts which everyone ignored (why do airlines still load their planes up with this stuff? I have never seen a single person ever buy anything from the on-board duty free. Except on cross-channel ferries in the Seventies, when it distracted you from the sea sickness, possibility of capsize and rolling blackouts in the home counties). I do have to give the crew compliments on the safety demonstration though, the choreography and timing were like a Bob Fosse production. All tits and teeth too. Very professional.

Arrival in KL was uneventful, although I thought it was called the Low Cost Carrier Terminal because the low cost flight landed there but it seems to be an accurate description of the terminal itself. It's how I imagine a regional airport in Bulgaria circa 1985 to be. At least my passport scanned this time so that was good.

I caught the bus from the LCCT to KL. it's about an hour and a half and cost A$1.75. What a bargain. Unfortunately it drops you in the carbon monoxide filled bowels of KL Sentral train station. It was like being in hell. But with more busses. The tourist blurb describes it as "Kuala Limpurs ultra modern transport hub". Hmmmm, again, Bulgaria. Finding the monorail to get to the hotel was also a nightmare, luckily I teamed up with an equally lost American woman from "San Diego, California" (as if I might have though it was San Diego, Arkansas) and we managed to follow the couple of A4 sized signs duct taped to the wall of the "transport hub" and find it. It was like a shabby version of a Disney ride and I loved it, mainly as I realised I'm quite tall here and can avoid the face in armpit issues of public transport.

The hotel is nice, very traditional and not a big chain. Mainly this means no booze in the minibar and no bacon at breakfast. One of those is ok, the other is a nightmare. You decide.

Today I'm off to the national museum to actually learn something as I know pretty much bugger all about Malaysia except they appear to think marble and glazed tiles are an appropriate pavement material in a generally wet country.

Walk a mile

So these discount airlines, they obviously don't pay as much rent to Perth "International" Airport as the normal, aka civilised, airlines.
I've deduced this from the fact that you have to walk miles along the terminal to get to their check in desks and then miles to get back again to go through security and immigration. Why is that? Do they all think that the cheapness enters could do with a bit of exercise? By the look of my fellow passengers this actually isn't a bad idea but it still makes for a lot of luggage lugging. Especially when you are a dick like me and feel that lovely "ping" of the spine when you pick up the bags in a rush to get out of the house. I've just doubled my dose of anti-inflamatories, I'm sure that'll be fine and I won't bleed out for a few days at least.
Another tip if you are heading to P"I"A in the near future. Do not believe the sign at car park H telling you that it's the only place to leave your car for long term parking. This is a big lie to give the bus drivers something to do. There I was lugging luggage around a bus when we sailed past the almost empty long term parking right next the the terminal. Its a bit of a odd thing to do but then look where I am. By the way for all those Perthonians who are a but baffled by the whole 'giant multiple seated car' thing (that's a 'bus' if you don't live in the suburbs) the idea is to get on AFTER the people have got off. If you try to do it all at once then it's a bit tricky. I assume it's the first time many of the locals have ever, and I mean ever, EVER been on public transport.
I have more whining to do (it's early, I'll be much happier for the next post) but they've just called my flight.
Wish me luck.

Fly for less!

So I'm off to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow. 


It's another of those times when wasn't really paying attention at booking time. I do it all the time. I look at the flight times on offer and think "hmmm, I don't want to get up too early and have to be at the airport in the dead of night; but then again I don't want to waste a day of my holiday by arriving late in the day at my destination". So I scroll up and down and pick 7 am. I mean that's a decent time, I'm up pretty much around then for work, and I get to my destination around lunch time. Perfect! Pick it, book it, pay for it. Done!
Oh hang on a minute, it's an international flight. That means I need to be at the airport 2 hours before, and it takes 40 minutes to drive there, park and get the shuttle bus from the car park so that means I need to be up at... 4 am. 


Bugger. 


This time the horror is compounded because I'm flying with Air Asia for the first time. It's one of those discount airlines where it's cheap but you have to pay for luggage and food and drinks and timed boarding and good seats and seatbelts and wings and a qualified pilot.  Actually those last two only apply to Ryan Air apparently but I'm still a little concerned.  The last time I flew discount was with Jet Star (or Jet✭ which is much harder to type) and it was a bit like hell, it would have been fine if you were a limbless torso of some description but was a challenge if you had legs. 


I've heard mixed things about Air Asia, most people love them but a few people have had terrible delays or even arrived at the airport to find that their flight doesn't actually exist. I'm also a bit worried as I've been seen the state of the passengers at the airport when I've been waiting for flight in the past. I didn't know people could get that drunk so early in the morning. I've been assured by the girls at work that that was the Bali flights and I'm going to Malaysia so it'll be fine.


We'll have to wait and see. I'll let you know from the airport in the morning. I'm going to have a bit of time to kill while the sun comes up.