Normal service will be resumed shortly

If you are wondering where I've gone then it's simple. I've moved into
the new place and I have no Internet connection yet.

I'll be up and boring again on Wednesday hopefully.

Gin Palace

Well yesterday was a surreal day.

It started quite normally when I went up to Jo and John's and a few of us had a nice Australia Day barbecue lunch. This was the only barbecue I attended yesterday but it's a legal requirement that you spend at least an hour standing round a barbie on Australia Day eating sausages.

In the afternoon I went out on Liz and Frank's sail boat. It was very nice, having a bit of a sail round the Swan River. Mind you with five of us on board it was a bit cosy. I've never sat on so many ropes at the wrong time in one place before. Now I thought that swanning around on a sail boat was pretty flash but the day was about to get very surreal.

You see Lizzie's sister was in the marina on her boat. 

Or maybe I should say yacht. 

Actually I think the most apt description would be huge, luxury, powerful super-yacht. 

I mean it had three stories, two barbecues, crew quarters, three bedrooms, three en-suites, suede walls, Bose stereo. I mean it was just spectacular. Even the boat they use to get to the boat was impressive. I have to say I never thought I'd set foot on anything like it and I am so grateful that we were made so welcome. Lovely people. And I'm not just saying that because they are so obviously loaded. If you want to look at a boat like it I think it's this one.

I wonder if there's an oil deposit under the backyard.

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie

So it's Australia Day. 

You can tell by all the proud Australians flying their (Chinese made) flags on their (Japanese made) cars.

Irony is wonderful.

The Media and The Financial Crisis

Here's and interesting piece by Dan Gilmor about the media's role in the current financial crisis.

Link to article 

Now it's easy to blame the media for everything after the fact, but I think he might have a point. For the last few years the West Australian newspaper has run a continual string of stories about the wonders of increasing property prices, the never ending resources boom and the ever booming stock market. Even a month ago, when the rest of the world's economy was crashing and burning, the West was running the same stories, except this time more along the lines of "don't panic, everything is fine, WA is immune from all financial ills". A bit more realism may have been wise. A bit more about the effects of the bursting of any bubble may have been wise. The occasional reporting of falls in property prices in some suburbs may have been wise. All these could have prepared us for what is happening now. 

Unfortunately most people don't want to know that their wealth is at risk, and the advertisers and real estate agents who spend millions of dollars a year putting their stuff in the West certainly don't want bad news polluting their advertorials. 

When this stuff finally comes out, and we are faced with the reality of job losses, closing mines and negative equity, everyone shouts "Why weren't we warned?". 

Why? Because bad news doesn't sell papers.

Point Of No Return

So I did the final inspection of my new house yesterday. 

It was pretty nerve racking as, to be honest, I had completely forgotten what the place was like. I mean I just looked at it once about a month ago and now here I am about to give the current owner a huge amount of money. Anyway I went along with Kath and Andrew and I was a bit non-plussed when I got there. It looked a bit tatty and grotty with all the furniture out of it. This wasn't helped by the fact that the owners have completely stripped the place, they've even taken the bloody clothes line and the pots out of the garden. This isn't a total disaster as the pots were hideous but it doesn't seem in the spirit of selling the place. It also gives me an excuse to spend money at IKEA (more on my Swedish flat-pack fetish another time). Anyway like I say I was a bit disappointed when I got there and looked round, luckily I had A and K to give me positive feedback and now I think I've done the right thing after all. The place just needs a little bit of TLC and the laundry needs a new coat of paint as a matter of urgency. So urgent in fact that I've already got the paint and brushes in the back of the car to go there as soon as it's settled. How's that for keen. Now I just need to sort out where I'm going to put all my furniture (plus the stuff to be bought at IKEA: see, obsessed!). Once I get in there and start painting and changing thing, making it a bit more 'mine' then I know it'll be ok.

Even though I was a bit down when I checked the place out I do know that I have done the right thing. I mean I was walking round Northbridge today and I am so glad that I didn't buy a place there. It's murderville at night and pretty damn grim during the day too. At least in Mount Lawley I've got cool people and nice cafés to go to and there isn't any sort of curfew in place as far as I am aware.

Actually I've been wandering around a few places in Perth over the last couple of weeks and I've decided that I love mount Lawley the most. I know I'm biased, and just trying to maintain property prices, but I think it's got the perfect combination of trendy, grotty and everyday stuff there. 

Take Subiaco. It use to be pretty cool, a big chunk of rich people but still plenty of students, artists and what I guess you'd call bohemian types. Now it's just full of rich wankers. To be fair there are still many original people still living there in the streets off Rokeby Road, but most of the new developments: just wankers. I don't think there is another place in WA where you can buy air-fresheners for your car that cost $350. If you don't believe me go into the Simon Johnson shop on Rokeby Road. I guess if you have a Ferrari that cost you $300,000 you might feel a bit cheap putting an Ambi-Pur smelly in it but, really, $350? There's also a "Consultant Hair Stylist" there. What does that even mean? Have they done postgraduate work and registered with the Royal College Of Australian Hairdressers? Do junior hairdressers call them up at 3 am asking how to deal with a particularly bad case of split ends? Just a load of wankers. 

I think what really amuses me is the difference between the myth and the reality. For example if you asked most people in Perth what South Perth was like, they'd say "really nice, very posh". In reality, if you walk round Mends Street and South Perth Esplanade it's a bit piss poor. The mall there is half closed and really grotty, the views of the City, which is really the only reason you'd go there, are blocked by loads of trees, and Coco's, which is meant to be a glamorous café/bar, it getting really tired with wobbly tables and very Eighties décor. But they still charge you $9 for a bottle of fizzy water (I'm not making that up. If you ever go to Coco's and they ask if you want water reply, loudly, that 'tap' is fine). Even Perth itself is getting into the act, not realising when something is just a bit shit. I refer, of course, to the "Wheel Of Perth". This is the new ferris wheel we've had erected on the foreshore. After all Melbourne's got one and so have London and Singapore, so surely Perth needs one too. The only tiny problem is that the London wheel is 135m high, Melbourne's is 120m and Singapore's is a whopping 165m. Perth's? Well that's "almost 50m". Wow. I think it arrived on the back of a fairground truck. See, just a bit lame. The reality not matching the hype (I'm talking to you West Australian). In fact there is already a petition to take it down. 

Feel free to sign it but I'm not sure anyone will notice that it's gone.

Cheap flights and American Apparel

OK this might be a long post as I have got so far behind. 

Firstly, I may have given the impression that Jetstar (or Jet* or Jet'star' or JetStar, whatever) is a pretty good airline. I would like to disabuse you of that notion right now as the flight back from Melbourne was a complete nightmare. The 'plane must have been configured differently from the one going over as I had 11" of room between the front of my seat cushion and the back of the seat in front. Of course you have to take a couple of inches off that for the pocket full of shit on the back of the seat in front. I thought I'd be OK as there were two empty seats next to me, but my heart sank when I saw the two very fat ladies walking down the aisle towards me. Bugger. They jammed themselves into the window and middle seat and that was all they could do for the whole flight, they actually filled the entire space between the seat back behind them and in front of them. They must have been so uncomfortable, I mean the one next to me had the seat belt on and there was no little bit of strap to adjust as the thing was at full stretch. They spent the entire flight scoffing lollies. A suggestion ladies: If you ate less lollies you might not be so fat and then we might all have a more comfortable flight! 

Anyway apart from the flight back the trip was great. I had a few days in Melbourne first and did a bit of shopping. Actually I didn't buy much as it seems that I am either too old or too fat to buy any clothes at present. When did 30" waist trousers become the normal size, and who are the medium shirts meant to fit? I mean I'm not fat, but I couldn't fit into half the stuff I tried on, even though it was allegedly my size. I couldn't even do up the 36" shorts in one place! I think the Chinese must use different size standards to us, maybe their inches are smaller than our so they make all the clothes too small to fit Westerners. The only place that redeemed the shopping experience was American Apparel. This place was recommended to me by my mate Andrew before I went to the US, and it is absolutely great. I think I've raved about them before somewhere but I'm doing it again. They sell pretty basic but very cool stuff. I bought a few t-shirts in the US and a few in the UK and now I can get them in Oz too. But only Melbourne and Sydney so far sadly. The best thing of all though is none of their stuff is made in China. So I can buy without guilt at the thought of some poor sod in Shenzen getting paid $2 a day to make the $40 shirts I buy. Also all their stuff fits. 

I hired a car to drive down to Jon and Carol's place which was probably not the best plan. Driving in Melbourne is a nightmare what with all the trams, weird hook-turns, cycle lanes, fairways, shared zones and toll roads. Add to that the Victorian Police's obsession with nicking and threatening drivers and you get an interesting couple of days. It's no wonder the road toll in Victoria is so high. You can't look where you are going as you're too busy staring at the speedo wondering if you are 3kms over the limit (that's what the Vic cops think is a fair margin of error. Interesting seeing as the Australian Design Rules for vehicle speedometers allows for a 10% inaccuracy). If you're not watching your speedo your attention is constantly distracted by all the roadside ads, from the cops and government, warning of dire consequences for the sin of going 113 kph or touching your mobile 'phone in the car or, apparently the biggest sin now, feeling sleepy. Here's a tip: get rid of some of the roadside crap and try to have normal road rules and perhaps people will be able to concentrate on driving their cars in stead of not trying to break one of the millions of weird rules.

It was great to catch up with Jon and Carol and the kids, they are all getting really big now. The kids that is, not J and C, they're still the same size as ever. They live in a little town about 4 hours from Melbourne and it's like being in an episode of A Country Practice. I mean they know all their neighbours, they have a paddock and he's the local GP. Everywhere we went people said hello, I think this is the reason they want to move. Nothing worse than your patients knowing where you live in my experience. The kids have got a trampoline too, so I am awaiting a frantic call asking how to fix smashed front teeth at some point in the future.  

When I got back to Perth I realised how small, characterless and old fashioned it is here compared to a full size city like Melbourne. I can't really explain why it feels like it but it does. Maybe it'll get better when they actually finish building Perth. It could also be something to do with the way Perth's developed. It's mostly urban sprawl as noted before, but in Melbourne, and most European cities, you have a more organic feel. There are more little towns within the greater spread of the City. For example in Melbourne you have the likes of Hawthorn and Prahran and lots of other little self contained shopping and residential areas which are like towns in themselves. In Perth, once you get out of the immediate, older part of the city these just don't exist. Pity really.

Bored

If you can't tell I am very bored waiting for my flight hence the
random posting. I should get twitter I suppose.

I'm also a bit annoyed that I've had to buy Gloria Jeans coffee. Damn
those charismatic Christians and their airport concessions.

Dolly bird

I can't quite believe this, but I'm standing in a huge queue to drop
my bags off at jetstar and the 25 year old bimbo behind the check-in
desk is reading Dolly magazine.

We're queuing for service you stupid bitch!

Got you coming and going

If you come to Melbourne bring money. Not to spend enjoying yourself
mind. You need it to pay the extortionate taxi fares to the city from
the airport ($64 for me which is almost certainly a rip off job) and
you'll need more for the tolls to use the roads to get back to the
airport. As far as I can tell there is no simple way to get from the
city to Tullamarine without going on a toll road. There are certainly
no signs with little planes on them to tell you how to get there
without going on a toll road. And it's not cheap. Especially as the
machines at the airport where you pay your fee have absolutely no
explaination of which one of the many options you need to buy. So I
expect everyone ends up paying $12 no matter how many bits of road
they've used. Isn't that a nice little earner for the private company
that owns the roads? I really hate private forms owning public
infrastructure as it means the poor old taxpayer ends up paying for
services twice. Once when the government subsidizes the building costs
(which they always end up doing, usually to prevent a project failing
and making politicians look like dicks) and again for the next thirty
years when they pay to use the facility. Why do people put up with it?
I say don't use the bloody things and let macquarie bank suffer.

That is if you can find an alternate route.

Noice. Unuseuel.

I'm in Fountain Gate shopping centre. I thought it was made up by Gina
Riley. It's just awful. Lots of 'aussie battlers'. Once I find Krispy
Kreme doughnuts I'm out of here.

Collins Street

Hermes, Gucci, Bulgari, Armani, 7-Eleven.

Even the rich need fags at midnight I suppose.

Perth's favourite rip off

Judging by the prices at Perth airport it should be the most beautiful
and well equiped departure lounge in the world. A bottle of water
$4.75! A cheese roll that must have been excavated by Time Team $8.00!
Even Heathrow has abandoned this particular rip-off of adding 50% to
all the prices at the airport.

At least it was only a 3 hour flight to Melbourne and Jet Star were
surprisingly good. Better than Qantas at least, but that's not really
the biggest challenge now is it.

Mail blogging

Ok, this is just a test to see if I can blog by mail. It's also a test 

of my typing on the old iPhone. This is the teeniest keyboard I have 

ever come across, but it seems to work really well.

I'm testing this as I'm off to Melbourne this evening for a few days 

and if it works I won't need to take the laptop with me. I think they 

call that mobile computing. Who knew you'd be able to do everything 

with your phone in the future.

Now I just need a flying car and a zip up jump suit.