Excuse me..pardon me..sorry..

The average Englishman's personal space extends about 2 metres from his body. Get inside this, if you're not a lover or a VERY close family member, and you are very privileged. There is however one place where this space shrinks down to less than a foot, in fact less than an inch sometimes. That place is on the Tube.

Yes, I'm in London and I've been re-acquainting myself with the baroque rules of London Transport. 

First is the seeming reluctance to run any trains on the Circle line. I have no idea why this is but every time you get to Paddington you spend about half an hour waiting for a Circle line tube train. Obviously it's a pretty quiet line, only serves the entire city in a big circle (see how the names work?). The problem is intensified by the fact that the District and Circle share the same tracks at Paddington. It's quite amusing to see all the tourists getting on the train, then leaping off as the doors close when someone points out it's a District/Circle train and they really need a Circle/District train. Did I mention I've done this a couple of times today already?

The next is never ever lean against any glass or shiny surface as these will invariably be smeared in the head grease of the previous 400 passengers. Does no one in this city wash their hair? There must be thousands of visitors who think that the whole of the London Underground system is in soft focus, such are the layers of grease on all the windows of the Tube.

Thirdly always check any announcements and notice boards before you board the train as the station staff will almost certainly give any highly important information just as the doors close on your carriage or the train guard will make them just as you get off the train. Actually it doesn't matter as you wont be able to understand them anyway.

Don't panic every time someone with a backpack and a beard gets onto the train. You'll probably be fine, it's just all part of the gamble of living in London.

Escalators are a minefield. Just remember KEEP RIGHT if you are standing as the locals will be thundering down the left side of the steps and will not take kindly to having some confused Australian backpacker getting in their way. Not that they will say anything, this is Britain after all, but there will be some serious muttering, letters to the Daily Mail and sharp in-taking of breath behind you. Also do not, under any circumstances, stop at the top of the escalator to read your map. This could lead to violence being committed upon your person (this also applies to shops and lifts). Don't roll pennies down the space between the hand rails either. This just tells everyone you're a dickhead.

Try to avoid travelling between 4.30 and, ohh, say about 6.30. This is the rush 'hour' and it's worse torture than even the CIA could come up with. This is when the personal space drops to less than an inch as you are crammed into a carriage with thousands of other travellers, eyeball to armpit. It's a nightmare. Especially when you realise that you are at one side of the carriage and the door to your platform is on the other. Trying to get out of a tube train in this situation is like being born all over again, you are squeezed through a tiny opening until you're ejected, damp and sweaty (and some time bloodied) onto the platform.

This is usually when you realise you should have caught that district line train after all.